How do you cut someone out of your life?

[Anonymous]

I'm married with kids. So is he. We work together, but thankfully not in the same building. We have been close friends for a little over a year and I now find myself jealous of his wife. I feel like I need to just go cold turkey and get on with it. It will catch him totally off-guard, but it's probably best for me to just ignore him, right? I will not see him if we don't meet for coffee/lunch, but we communicate through work email and calls. It seems so cold to end a legit friendship in such a sudden way with no explanation, but it also doesn't seem right for me to explain to him where I'm coming from. Anyone BTDT and have perspective?

[Anonymous]

If you're really going from 30mph to zero, I might just say something vague, like, "You know, I've found myself feeling a little uncomfortable about our friendship. In this case it really is ME, not you. I hope you won't ask me to explain, and just trust that I mean it when I say I think you're a good friend and an excellent colleague. You've done nothing wrong, but right now I want to put an end to the "friend" part and keep the "respected colleague" part. I'm sorry this is awkward."

Or not. I'm just brainstorming.

[Anonymous]

I think you can ease off rather than go cold turkey. Cut the lunches entirely -- just don't be available. Keep emails professional. Keep calls short and business-focused.

He'll figure it out.

[Anonymous]

PS: My father had this kind of convo with an ex-girlfriend from decades ago. My mom liked her, too, and they were all three good friends. Dad (retired) spent a lot of time with ex (also retired) while my mother was still professionally going full speed. But one day my dad's sister said, "You know, you might want to have a conversation with so and so, just to be clear about your relationship." So he did, and it was well received. And they're all three still very good buddies, maybe even better, because there's no ambiguity. I guess it worked because my dad, mom, and the ex are just honest, straight-up, sincere people. No drama-mamas among them.

Not saying everyone needs to have this kind of conversation. But my dad said he's glad he did. (My mother honestly did not care. She's not suspicious and my father gave her no reason to be.)

[Anonymous]

I think you should get therapy to work on your jealousy issues rather than trying to cut someone out of your life when they've done absolutely nothing to deserve that.

[Anonymous]

Well, you could just ghost - I'm not sure you really have any other option since I agree it would be awkward and inappropriate to explain why you're cutting him out. Tricky. You're sure you can't just reduce the contact instead, and wait for time to get you past your crush? That would be the best option if you can manage it. Either way I applaud you for taking the high road on this. You get the Good Spouse Award for the day (unlike that rat over on the "my wife wants to move for her job" thread).

[Anonymous]

Wow, four totally different perspectives in the first four comments. To the last PP's point, my issues are that he does all these fun things with his wife because he loves having fun, like me, while my husband is a bit more low-key. He also has TOTAL childcare needs met by grandparents, so they can take spontaneous trips while we don't have that set-up. I'm not an overall jealous person, I guess I'm developing feelings for him and know that's not OK. Of course he doesn't deserve it, but neither does my husband and he's more important to me.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think you tell him you have a lot going on in your personal life and need space, and that he's done nothing wrong.

[Anonymous]

Ghost him?

[Anonymous]

Is ghosting easier on someone than giving a vague explanation? Part of me wants to be super honest and just come clean, but that's awkward and not entirely innocent.

[Anonymous]

You should definitely not ghost him. I think the more mature thing to do is to face your feelings head-on. Do you like him too much or do you want his lifestyle too much? Is there a way to be with him and enjoy the closeness without drifting into la-la-land of "the grass is always greener"? Is there a way to feel closer to your husband? Because if you can't answer these questions and you don't face the answers, this guy is going to come along at another time. Different person - same set of issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is ghosting easier on someone than giving a vague explanation? Part of me wants to be super honest and just come clean, but that's awkward and not entirely innocent.

I think ghosting is far far worse than a vague explanation, especially when he did nothing to do deserve it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you should get therapy to work on your jealousy issues rather than trying to cut someone out of your life when they've done absolutely nothing to deserve that.

She has a crush or they're having an emotional affair. She isn't just randomly jealous of the wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you should get therapy to work on your jealousy issues rather than trying to cut someone out of your life when they've done absolutely nothing to deserve that.

This man is not entitled to OPs friendship.

If it is no longer working for her, she can end it without guilt about him "deserving" her friendship.

That's absurd and archaic.

[Anonymous]

You don't have to be honest with him that you're crushing on him or jealous of his wife. You can just tell him you're going through something personal and need to step back if he asks why you're not as in touch as you used to be. It sucks but it's better than ghosting and less awkward than the truth.