How do you deal with the near constant attempts to blame you?

[Anonymous]

I'm pregnant again so have been following the Expectant Moms board. I already have 2 kids- one HFA and one NT. It seems like people are constantly trying to blame mothers for autism. It's exhausting and makes me wonder if people in real life are also silently judging everything I did during pregnancy. I know I should just ignore, but it's hard. It's like they need to believe that my child's struggles are some sort of punishment for my not being a careful enough mother. Just a vent, I guess.

[Anonymous]

It has more to do with people's own struggles and limited understanding of the way the world works. It's not about you, but they just need to make sense of things and you're an easy target. Try not to take it personally. I know it's not easy.

[Anonymous]

Are you talking about the studies regarding maternal antidepressant use and autism link?

[Anonymous]

I do know that most of what I do has an effect, mostly positive (hopefully!), but sometime negative.

It's true.

[Anonymous]

People feel more in control if they can say "Ah hah! This bad thing is caused by doing X, so I just have to avoid X and I don't have to worry about it." The big "We don't know" of autism and ADHD is really, really scary to a lot of people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do know that most of what I do has an effect, mostly positive (hopefully!), but sometime negative.

It's true.

I don't think that's true. I have two kids who I've raised in very similar ways yet they are extraordinarily different from one another. I think most of what you do does not have a strong effect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm pregnant again so have been following the Expectant Moms board. I already have 2 kids- one HFA and one NT. It seems like people are constantly trying to blame mothers for autism. It's exhausting and makes me wonder if people in real life are also silently judging everything I did during pregnancy. I know I should just ignore, but it's hard. It's like they need to believe that my child's struggles are some sort of punishment for my not being a careful enough mother. Just a vent, I guess.

It's not that. It's their way of dealing with their fear of something like that happening to them. If you believe that the mother did something to cause the ASD, you can just NOT do that, and it won't happen to you. It doesn't work that way, but it's their way of whistling past the graveyard.

Just ignore it. People are dumb, scared cattle sometimes.

[Anonymous]

Because we don't know what the cause is. DES used to be given to pregnant women, but later on we found that this drug causes tumor and a whole range of complications in the babies. In the future we might know a lot more about what causes autism.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People feel more in control if they can say "Ah hah! This bad thing is caused by doing X, so I just have to avoid X and I don't have to worry about it." The big "We don't know" of autism and ADHD is really, really scary to a lot of people.

+1 this is a pretty well documented behavior. People try to find something within their control that triggers the "big bad thing" to feel like they can do something to avoid it. Humans are terrible at accepting that some things are out of our control.

[Anonymous]

I went through the blame stuff with my DD, who is now in college. It was endless, and so I withdrew from most parents. It's tough, OP. I have four children, 3 NT and one HFA and some other stuff. The HFA is my oldest child, and blaming started so early. I didn't discipline her right, wasn't attentive enough, was too attentive, whatever. Don't know how the other kids survived my "bad" parenting!

You just have to find people who "get it" and stay away from the others. DH blamed me for a long time, until I set him straight. Now he gets it, but it took a while.

I do try to educate people, in simple terms they can understand, and ignore all else. It's' the only way, I've found.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm pregnant again so have been following the Expectant Moms board. I already have 2 kids- one HFA and one NT. It seems like people are constantly trying to blame mothers for autism. It's exhausting and makes me wonder if people in real life are also silently judging everything I did during pregnancy. I know I should just ignore, but it's hard. It's like they need to believe that my child's struggles are some sort of punishment for my not being a careful enough mother. Just a vent, I guess.

It's not that. It's their way of dealing with their fear of something like that happening to them. If you believe that the mother did something to cause the ASD, you can just NOT do that, and it won't happen to you. It doesn't work that way, but it's their way of whistling past the graveyard.

Just ignore it. People are dumb, scared cattle sometimes.

Great explanation - and really great use of the phrase 'whistling past the graveyard'. Haven't seen that in a long time! How true!

[Anonymous]

I can't stand Expectant Moms. Posters are so smug about ticking off each perfect test result and diet and sleep position. And I understand. Once that was me but I had a disabled child anyway.

[Anonymous]

You should avoid boards or people who try to spout off or place any negatives on you as an expectant parent. I had three perfect pregnancies with no problems and my third child had a cognitive disability which was completely random chance. Interestingly given the high performance of her two older sisters, she has done really strongly given the skills set she was born with. Our oldest daughter turned out to have a severe anxiety disorder diagnosed in college where such mental health issues come up when one is beyond the structure and general support of the family and she went on to have a serious cancer before marrying in her late 20s. Upshot was that Lexapro was recommended by an experienced psychiatrist whom she chose to see her through her pregnancy for just that expertise in judgement as opposed to a male psychiatrist who as she said would have given her anything she asked for without a second thought. She delivered two healthy twin girls and there is just the natural difference between them with one learning at the rate of her mother and the other more typically learning to read etc. The point is that each Mom's and do not forget Dad's health history is unique as is each pregnancy. You do your best and sometimes health issue just come along.

It also seems to me that if one can diagnose certain health issues in utero that would cause one to consider ending a pregnancy, you still have to admit that there is no definitive way to predict what health challenges might befall a son or daughter in the future and just how far out and how perfect would one really want testing to go....Focus on your family, enjoy your pregnancy and welcome your baby when he/she arrives.

[Anonymous]

As others have said, it makes them feel better if they can think we did something. They imagine us during pregnancy eating lots of tuna, while popping antidepressants, while hanging out daily in some area polluted with car emissions and other crap, while playing with and snorting mercury and they assume the father was over 50 at conception and mom was over 45 or something and we have autism running through our families.

[Anonymous]

Thank you for the support. I know the answer is to avoid the Expectant Moms Forum. It is hurtful to see women have so much fear that they might have a child like my own. As if autism is the worst possible outcome. DS is such a fun, affectionate and intelligent little boy! He is already a great big brother and is excited for another sibling. Our lives are full of love and I need to just focus on my own family.