Spiteful sibling and estate
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Anonymous
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Dad died this year. Mom had died a few years ago. Sibling has control of the estate (in another country, so I can't pick up and drive there, for example), and is pissing away money from it - sending "family friends" (sibling has none - he is an alcoholic, and depressed, among other things - no children) internet tchotchkes and meaningless crap (!!!) for "holiday presents". Meanwhile, there are six of us total - all married - with at least two children each. In other words, the grandchildren would benefit from estate items, no matter how small. I have a strong idea that sibling either donated or threw away parents' items (except the ones he deems valuable, of course). Sibling makes excuses whenever a polite request is made for a specific item (more than one would be out of the question, so I and the other siblings thought we might start with tiny requests - a specific item, even if that item is worth nothing).
The "family friend" gift recipients are well aware of sibling's underhandedness, FWIW. It seems as if sibling wants anyone else to receive items, but us. Any useful advice? If not, thanks for letting me vent. Happy Holidays. |
Anonymous
| Get over there for a few days and handle your business, or accept that this is how it is going to go, and move on. |
Anonymous
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You should have a family meeting at the estate ASAP. Hire a specialized attorney to inventory what's left, and parcel it out in as equitable a way as possible to the kids (you and siblings). Cart your portion away before it disappears. You can sell the house and land and divide the proceeds, or if spiteful sibling wants to live there, he has to buy you out. Been there, done that, with my grandparents estate (French Chateau and valuable antique content). It took 25 years of family strife, during which lots of valuables disappeared, and created resentment which spilled over to the next generation. No one behaved admirably, I have to say. Try to nip it in the bud and be generous about small things - it's better to get it over with than bicker about details, in my experience. |
Anonymous
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Unfortunately, if you mother didn't put in place things to keep this from happening, I doubt there's much you can do. Try to just let it all go. It's ok to be upset, but I'd also drop any expectation that you will see anything from this. Unless of course you'd like to get into a legal battle in another country. If all your other sibs want to do this, I'd make it a group effort. Otherwise, what did you think would happen? Of course the one sibling left in the same country would control the estate and this one sounds like they have a long line of being irresponsible.
It sucks. And I'm sorry. But I'm not sure there's much you can do but be sad about it. I'm sorry about your mother. |
Anonymous
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Same situation is currently happening in my husband's family. The actual burial was today but a sibling is demanding he be given his fair share NOW.
The things you find out when someone dies ... This one is a slot machine addict. We actually felt sorry for him thinking we could be of help with living arrangements and such but not anymore. He will be quite surprised when his fair share gets divided in more ways than he is expecting. A family meeting was called and he was told nothing gets given until all final expenses have been paid. Needless to say this person was very upset. My only advice ? Either go get what you want to have or forget it. |
Anonymous
OP here - meant to add - sibling has *named* control of estate. Brother designated and trusted, though he clearly should not have been. I don't know where to start in hiring an attorney to intervene- especially since brother was legally designated (though clearly taking advantage of that fact). Perhaps I am depressed from the loss of my father. Can some one please offer guidance? Thank you. |
Anonymous
| What do your other siblings say? are any of the other siblings in country? |
Anonymous
OP here. Siblings are spread out all over, and not especially vested in having anything. What we would want (there are significant items) are not that significant, just symbolic. I don't know how to beg for a few photos or trinkets, in other words. I also don't know that it would make sense to hire an attorney, when not all of the siblings are committed to the cause, and the items are clearly not of monetary value? I am frustrated with myself for not knowing what to do. |
Anonymous
13:17 here. Are your parents and yourself nationals of that country? Is this a country where children are automatically beneficiaries of the estate? Or are you designated by name in a will as a beneficiary? If so, this gives you rights, and you are entitled to your legal portion, regardless of who is executor. So you have to hire an estate lawyer in that country and figure out a game plan with him. The most urgent action is to have the whole property itemized and valued, so that your portion is calculated on the total amount, and then the sibling would think twice about making things disappear that he would potentially have to reimburse. It would be nice if the rest of the siblings could all participate in the lawyer fees, so that the lawyer is effectively speaking for all of you, against the sibling executor. However in my family's case, the siblings couldn't stop fighting and some hired their own lawyers. |
Anonymous
This. You can't sit here and complain all you want, but unless you are willing to travel there and deal with it, nothing's going to change. |
Anonymous
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OP here. I was hoping to hear from people who have actually sen through this kind of process. 1.) the estate is in a trust, so as to avoid probate (or whatever they call it) and 2.) brother lives in a house bought by father (brother's name is on deed) - such that I can not simply go and break down the front door and "take" what I deem "mine".
I don't mind doing something about it, but it would have to be appropriate and productive, and continuous with legalities already in place - not nonsensical. |
Anonymous
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OP here. I was hoping to hear from people who have actually been through this kind of process. 1.) the estate is in a trust, so as to avoid probate (or whatever they call it) and 2.) brother lives in a house bought by father (brother's name is on deed) - such that I can not simply go and break down the front door and "take" what I deem "mine".
I don't mind doing something about it, but it would have to be appropriate and productive, and continuous with legalities already in place - not nonsensical. |
Anonymous
And do what, exactly? |
Anonymous
| Fly to the country, walk in the house, pack up some things and go back to the airport. |
Anonymous
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You need to find an estate lawyer in the country in question. None of us are qualified to tell you what can and cannot be done, because even the lawyers among us aren't familiar with that countries laws, or the will in question.
Without a lawyer you will probably get nothing. |