If you don't love your parents

[Anonymous]

Do you admit it to people? Have you told your parents?

I was raised by a couple of monsters -- she's a psychopath and he's an alcoholic. My father recently apologized to me for not protecting me and my brother from her when we were kids. However he refused to take ownership of his own abuse. Something inside me said screw it, I don't care about either of these people. They're not worth my hate, but they certainly don't have my love.

I told a friend about the conversation in which my dad justified some of his worst behavior. She said it must hurt to have someone I love do that, and i said I don't love him. "Oh, of course you do," she said.

But I don't. I don't know how anyone could love those people.

Is it socially unacceptable to say you don't love your parents? Why? I would think we can believe people when they talk about their own feelings.

[Anonymous]

I would believe you, OP, and sympathize with you. Just because you're related to someone doesn't mean you have to love them. Your friend sounds a little silly, and also a little condescending or something.

Sorry your parents were so shitty. Not fair, but good for you for keeping boundaries and sticking up for yourself and what you need.

[Anonymous]

A friend once told me "You know, you speak about your parents like they're dead." They're alive.

I feel some sense of obligation to them, though I haven't figured out how that's put into action beyond thinking I should call them and then feeling guilty when I don't.

There's no need to hurt them by saying "I'm not sure I love you." What are they realistically going to do with that? Try to win me over? That's not realistic. So I don't really see the point in telling them.

[Anonymous]

I get it OP. I love my mom, though I have a very complicated relationship with her. I don't love my step-dad and won't apologize for it.

[Anonymous]

I would say that I dont love my parents. It kills me because I want very much to love them, but what's underneath that is really a wish that they would have loved me enough to take care of me properly.

[Anonymous]

And (I am the PP) re: this person who said, "of course you do." People dont get it. They think you argued with your parents or you rebelled but when it comes down to abuse/neglect/serious parental failures, people who have not been through it cannot fathom the realities of those experiences. I would shake it off and leave it be, but feel confident in your own feelings towards your parents.

[Anonymous]

I get you, OP. There is a big difference between forgiving your parents for typical mistakes and forgiving them for what is unforgivable.

I had a really strained relationship with my dad. It is something that I discuss with close friends, but generally change the subject when/if he came up around people I know less well out of fear of being judged and also just not really wanting to get into all the details.

He knew my feelings for him. I don't know if I ever said I don't love you but I told him why he was no longer part of my life. He died in 2011 when I was 34. He was divorced and lived alone. My siblings and I handled all the funeral arrangements and matters relating to his estate. I had a ton of anxiety about this as it felt like something very intimate and personal to do for someone and I did not feel close to him at all. I wasn't sure how I would handled it or feel. Fortunately, for me there is a lot of "business" to handle when someone dies so mostly I got through it be focusing on that, but I had no "raw" feelings because I truly mourned the relationship 10 years ago. I wish things could have been different, but ultimately I have no regrets. I had to cut him out of my life in order to protect myself.

[Anonymous]

I really don't discuss it with anyone except in a format like this where people who already 'know' are discussing. In the past I've tried to open up to close friends, but it is so complicated and outside the bounds of a healthy family. They always think what I describe has a solution or resolution, but as all of you and I know - not the case. It is not some misunderstanding.

So I never discuss, just avoid the topic and change the direction of the conversation when people ask.

However my DH knows everything and has met them and I can even make jokes about things and he is not shocked. I really appreciate that.

[Anonymous]

OP, there is no such thing as a perfect apology. From my point of view, it sounds like your dad did his best to atone for the past. You wanted him to completely roll over to you and basically have no defenses and just go under your knife. You wanted blood. But your father is a human being too, OP. You said he "refused to take ownership." But that's psychobabble. People apologize the best they can. What you got seems to me to be pretty damn good.

If you don't love them, that's fine. But no one is going to apologize according to the script in your head. That's controlling behavior on your part that is just never going to work.

[Anonymous]

PP. you're ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

"My father recently apologized to me for not protecting me and my brother from her when we were kids."

Take this. Build on this. Be happy.

[Anonymous]

OP -- it is hard to say out loud -- so I usually only say it when it is someone close to me and who would get it. Just because someone passed on their sperm doesn't mean you have to love them.

[Anonymous]

OP, please ignore 5:56 and 7:25! You don't need to build any kind of relationship with your abuser, and you are a human being who deserves dignity and respect. Most abusers will not apologize for their abuse, but that doesn't mean they shouldn't, and it doesn't mean you don't deserve one.

It IS socially unacceptable to say you don't love your parents. Most people are not going to understand it because they can not fathom what it is like to grow up being abused. Sometimes even if you describe in detail what happened to you, people will still say "But they're your PARENTS!" Like just because they were an egg and sperm donor it gives them a pass for the atrocious behavior and you should just accept it. If it was a romantic partner who treated you the same way, no one would question you if you decided to leave and said you didn't love them.

My advice to you is to be careful about who you tell this to, because it really sucks to be invalidated. I believe you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP. you're ridiculous.

NP, I don't think so. I could relate to it and felt it thoughtful and to the point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP. you're ridiculous.

NP, I don't think so. I could relate to it and felt it thoughtful and to the point.

10:32, I'm guessing you weren't abused by your parents.

Seriously OP, just ignore these freaks.