Do you regret using donor eggs?
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Anonymous
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I'm trying to sort out my feelings about this and get a feel for what other people experienced. I have one genetic child; I think this may complicate things.
Anyways... any regrets at all? Failure to bond with the baby? I sincerely hope the maternal instinct kicks in the same way it does with genetic offspring. Did it, for you? |
Anonymous
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Absolutely no regrets. I am up nursing DE baby #2 right now while DE baby #1 plays at our feet. They are two amazing kids and there is no possible way I could love them more. BTW, OE kid is a moody tween sleeping down the hall and I love her to pieces as well.
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Anonymous
| I used donor eggs and love my son just as much as any mom could ever love her child. In the very beginning I had moments of doubt, but as he gets older and loves me to death I love him all the more. Most of the time I forget his origins anyway. As time goes on, it fades more and more into irrelevance. |
Anonymous
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Nope I don't regret it at all. And as a pp said, I think about surprisingly little these day (my kids are 4.)
Just this morning I had someone tell me that my daughter is the "spitting image" of me. Which is silly, but it's still nice to hear and doesn't leave me feeling as conflicted as those comments did in the beginning. There is absolutely zero doubt about me being the mother of these kids. None. It's kind of amazing how unequivocal that is and how deep that feeling goes. I have no insecurity about that, no issues with bonding, no significant fears about their thoughts later in life (we talk about the concept of donor egg with them already), etc... It's been much easier/simpler in practice, especially as they get older, than it was in contemplating it. Now, that is NOT to say that the often talked about, mythical "maternal instinct" is quite what everyone says. But that's a much more universal problem than just a donor egg issue. 
Good luck OP. Happy to answer any specific questions if you have them. I also highly recommend talking w/ a counselor who specializes in this area. I resisted that, didn't think it was necessary, but it was really quite helpful to get that perspective and thoughtful advice about what to consider in the decision making process. |
Anonymous
| Not OP but to those of you who feel this way, do you plan on sharing with the child that he/she is a donor baby? I am struggling with this question before we move on. |
Anonymous
6:59 here. We do plan to tell our kids. They are too little right now, but we plan to be open about it in developmentally appropriate ways in the future. |
Anonymous
| I've heard people admit that they regret having kids but I have NEVER heard anyone say they regret their donor egg child. |
Anonymous
Absolutely. We felt this way all along (though weren't sure at what age to tell, how to go about it, etc...) We were also advised through counseling that keeping this a secret from the child makes it something that is a potential source of shame and/or embarrassment - which is not good for them. I also read some things written (or videotaped) by donor egg kids that were helpful and persuasive. There is good literature out this that is worth reading. Much like keeping an adoption, or issues of parentage, secret - everyone deserves to know their background. |
Anonymous
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OP here. Thank you for sharing.
Ironically, I come from a culture where infant adoptions are often not revealed. I have read threads about this on this board, and they left me depressed. It seems the consensus is children must be told "early and often," and those who choose differently are appalling liars. I have my own thoughts on this, and frankly, I am not sure at this point what I would do. I guess if we ever get to the point of actually choosing this path, DH and I will need to get on the same page about this. Right now this just seems a technicality to me. I am much more preoccupied with how I may feel about the child. Will I feel like his/her mother? Or will I feel like gestational carrier? DH is much clearer on that, because he is pretty sure he would not be able to love someone else's child as much as he loves DS. Thankfully, we don't need a male donor, and with me everything is less clear cut, since I will actually carry and birth the said child. Hence my questions. I wonder how people actually feel once the children are here... |
Anonymous
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PP here. I can assure you that when you are pregnant, with everything that goes with that physically, you will feel like the mother.
I am eternally grateful that I got to feel my kids moving inside me. Eternally. I also know that I influenced their development in every positive way I could, that I gave them the best opportunity to thrive, that my body did a great job nurturing them. There is comfort and healing and joy in that. Read up on epigenetics - that may also help you. The older my kids get (mine are the 4yr old twins) the less I think about the donor aspect. Truly. They are learning my mannerisms, my habits, my morals, my language, my family, etc... It almost catches me by surprise now when I think about it. I have the occasional pang, of course, but now those feelings are quickly balanced by the fact that these two little people are my kids and they are unique and amazing. I cannot imagine not having these two people in my world, and if I wish away any fundamental part of what makes them who they are, then I am wishing them away. So the genetics and the biology and the upbringing all together created these people. I am part of that, and I am thankful for all of it. |
Anonymous
| +1 on the epigenetics. OP, because the baby will be carried by you, your body will influence the baby's development and make him/her different from what the same egg would have produced in a different woman's body. And then they will pick up your culture and your ways of being. It really does make a difference. You are not just an incubator! |
Anonymous
| Honestly anyone actually worried about her ability to love a kid who doesn't have her DNA shouldn't have a kid. You and your husband sound very selfish, OP. |
Anonymous
| DH and I discussed donor egg and decided that it was not the right choice for us. We have one child already from IVF with our own sperm and egg. Our family of three is perfect. You do what's best for your family. |
Anonymous
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Epigenetics really helped me. I felt good knowing that my body was influencing my child. The donor may have provided the blueprints, but my body is providing the building blocks.
As for bonding, the thing that helped me was my cats. I have no genetic link to them, but I love them to pieces. If I can feel that way about something that isn't even my own species, I should be able to feel that way about a baby I carry in my own body. I'm still carrying my DE baby, but I can say that I'm 100% bonded. I can't imagine loving (or worrying) any more for a child than I do for this little monster inside me. But I know not everyone feels this way. And OP, we can't tell you how you'd feel. So the question becomes--does wanting a child outweigh having a DNA connection? If you think you can be happy child-free, then that might be the best option for you. But for me, I wanted a child more than I wanted a DNA connection. It's a tough choice, but I found once you get over the hump (should I, shouldn't I?), the rest is easy. |
Anonymous
| I have 4-year-old DE twins and an older genetic child. I honestly don't feel any differently about my DE children. They are all my children and I love them all intensely. OP, remember that when your child is born he/she will be as cute and sweet as your first child. That child will grow and say and do funny things, show off his/her talents, cuddle with you and continue to be your sweet baby. You won't at that child and think, "This is my DE child." He/she will simply be your darling child. |