Embarrassing Fight w/ my mother

[Anonymous]

My mother -

She bought my daughter a completely non-appropriate gift for Christmas. I told her to take it back and she is very upset with me. It is a present that is "cultural" to her, but having lived in the US for many year and my daughter having lived her whole life here...

Anyway, she's now not speaking to me.

I guess this is just a vent....holidays!

[Anonymous]

Why is it inappropriate?

[Anonymous]

What's inappropriate about it? My response would vary depending on what it is. Generally in in favor of kids staying at least loosely connected to their roots. My ancestors came in the late 1800s and most of the traditions are long lost and I wish they weren't.

[Anonymous]

Yeah it really depends on what is so inappropriate about it. It also likely really hurt your mom to basically tell her your daughter doesn't need anything ties to her culture because she was born here. Sounds like there are a lot of ways you could have handled this better

[Anonymous]

I know people are going to focus on the "it" of it....but...

It's a Sinterklaas doll and his assistant Black Peter. (I don't want to get into the pro/con Black Peter argument especially by any Dutch people) we don't like it, don't have it in our house. My mother is older and very much loves it. She wants my daughter to have the fun of Sinterklaas day (which was Saturday) like she did (and I did) as a child.

[Anonymous]

this is why giftcards

[Anonymous]

YOu are coming across as a huge bitch. Your poor mom

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know people are going to focus on the "it" of it....but...

It's a Sinterklaas doll and his assistant Black Peter. (I don't want to get into the pro/con Black Peter argument especially by any Dutch people) we don't like it, don't have it in our house. My mother is older and very much loves it. She wants my daughter to have the fun of Sinterklaas day (which was Saturday) like she did (and I did) as a child.

Could you suggest other ways to celebrate the culture Without Black Peter?

[Anonymous]

You were in the wrong. You don't tell someone "Take it back; I don't want that for my daughter!" You say "Oh, thank you for thinking of her, that was so sweet of you!"

Then you explain to your daughter later, privately, why it offends you and is offensive.

[Anonymous]

I don't really know the history of this and did just a very brief Google search, but can she just have the Santa doll without Black Peter?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know people are going to focus on the "it" of it....but...

It's a Sinterklaas doll and his assistant Black Peter. (I don't want to get into the pro/con Black Peter argument especially by any Dutch people) we don't like it, don't have it in our house. My mother is older and very much loves it. She wants my daughter to have the fun of Sinterklaas day (which was Saturday) like she did (and I did) as a child.

Is it possible to compromise by allowing the Sinterklaas doll but not the Black Peter? Have you explained to your mom that the perception of that is different in the U.S., and it might come back to hurt your daughter if she were to talk about it at school or something?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:YOu are coming across as a huge bitch. Your poor mom

No. OP is right. The black Pete doll is extremely racist, particularly in this country, which is probably why European Mom doesn't get it. Can you compromise and just give her the Sinterklaas doll? Give Black Pete back to Mom.

[Anonymous]

I don't understand why a compromise couldn't be reached? Sounds like you rudely said no and said your daughter was born here so why does she care about it anyways?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't really know the history of this and did just a very brief Google search, but can she just have the Santa doll without Black Peter?

It's not Santa (we do Santa later in the year on the 25th - St. Nicholaas is a different guy).

I tried that. I told her, I loved Sinterklaas (St. Nicholaas) and would open the box and give her just the one doll, with out the other (it came with 3 "Petes") - she said no, she would just return it. And I was being ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know people are going to focus on the "it" of it....but...

It's a Sinterklaas doll and his assistant Black Peter. (I don't want to get into the pro/con Black Peter argument especially by any Dutch people) we don't like it, don't have it in our house. My mother is older and very much loves it. She wants my daughter to have the fun of Sinterklaas day (which was Saturday) like she did (and I did) as a child.

Girl, thank you for nixing that gift. Can you even imagine DD talking about this at school?!!! OMG, Zwarte Piet????!!!

Hopefully, you were gracious when you declined. If not, that's what you apologize for, "sorry mom, it's just that racism isn't really our thing..."

It is a good opportunity to manufacture a new tradition though. Is there a way to bring mom into some Elf on the Shelf tradition or maybe she could have a nice tea somewhere on the day you guys go see Santa? Go see the Nutcracker? I dunno, something that feels special that doesn't denigrate a people?