Done with the in-laws

[Anonymous]

I've known my in-laws for almost 20 years. My FIL is a selfish jerk who verbally abuses my MIL and monopolizes every conversation. My MIL is not the brightest bulb- she can be sweet but she is so submissive to my FIL that she can't have an opinion or really contribute to a conversation. My DH can't stand his dad and thinks his mom is an idiot. Kids don't seem to want much to do with them because they never talk to the kids or ask what is going on in their lives (tween/ teen age kids).

We do the obligatory visits once every few months where the in-laws never ask us how we're doing or what we're up to and they spend the visit telling us about the food they've eaten recently (it's very weird but it's their thing). Since they don't ask about what or how anyone's doing we stopped volunteering that information years ago. We tried to volunteer it for a period of time but they really didn't care so we stopped. They don't know what is going on in our lives. It's a very superficial relationship. My FIL has gotten worse over the years and now pretty much just converses with himself during these visits, not allowing anyone else to respond without interrupting them. So we basically just sit there for a few hours listening to him talk and demean his wife.

I'm the person from a few weeks ago whose in-laws were insisting to visit my dad in hospice when he was dying. Thanks for all the support given from that post. I think I'm finally done, given my history with them. Got together with the in-laws for a late Thanksgiving. My dad, who they didn't like but had given me such a hard time about visiting in hospice, finally passed away. I haven't seen the in-laws since until yesterday. Neither of my in-laws asked how I was doing or even told me they were sorry for my loss. It isn't out of character, given that they don't care about us at all. But I think I'm done.

I guess my question is this- when is it okay to cut your losses and be done with it? DH and I both work full time and the kids are busy with their activities. Is it wrong for me to gradually cut these people of of our lives? DH doesn't really care one way or the other and has volunteered to take the kids without me whenever the next obligatory visit is (I'm feeling sick already!). He's given up trying to make them into decent people. Or should I just keep them in our lives for the kids and continue the status quo with lowered expectations? Continuing the relationship isn't really harmful except the kids may think that FIL's behavior and treatment of people is acceptable. Thoughts? Be gentle, please.

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry about your father, OP. I'm glad his pain is over. I've actually been thinking/wondering about you! Phone you and your mom get some time to relax and recover.

Take a break from being the "relationship leader" of your family. Let DH lead. If he plans a visit, great; if he doesn't, fine. If your kids ask to see them, have DH plan a visit. Let him take the kids a few times, solo. No need for you to see them for a while.

Six months from now, you may feel differently. But this is where you are right now, and that's OK. Trust your gut and protect yourself with some well-earned distance.

Good luck, and I hope you have a peaceful holiday season.

[Anonymous]

"Is it wrong for me to gradually cut these people of of our lives?"

Not at all. I would. I probably would've already.

[Anonymous]

Sounds perfect. I would just stop going to their house and not worry about it. They seem selfish enough to not care. It's good to hear you and your husband are on the same page.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds perfect. I would just stop going to their house and not worry about it. They seem selfish enough to not care. It's good to hear you and your husband are on the same page.

+1

[Anonymous]

I agree with the suggestion to let DH lead. Tell him that you won't be going to visit the ILs for awhile. He can take the kids and it is all up to him.

You grieve, OP. And I am sorry. See how you feel in six months, a year.

[Anonymous]

OP here- Thanks everyone. I think a little time away from them (and time to grieve) may change my perspective. I think I was just a little shocked that they didn't even ask how I was doing given everything that had been going on. But it really is just who they are.

[Anonymous]

I also remember you OP and so sorry for your loss. I think in this time of grief, stepping back is perfectly natural. Give yourself space and time. 08:05 really said it all. Turn this over to your husband, and give yourself permission not to think about them for at least a year. Re-evaluate in January 2017 and adjust accordingly.

You've just been through a major trauma. Be kind to yourself.

[Anonymous]

Sorry for your loss, OP. And sorry your in-laws aren't a source of emotional sustenance.

[Anonymous]

You don't need to decide anything. It's simple. If you don't feel like contacting them or doing anything for them, don't! That means no need to buy gifts for the Holidays, no need to send a card or call, don't feel obligated. There may come a time when you wish to contact them again, and in that case, you may do so, without any apology or talk about the past.

[Anonymous]

Years ago I decided if my husband wants to see his family, take the kids to see them, he should but I would no longer go. I can't see being around people that never liked me, talked behind my back.

Once we got that straight, life became less stressful.

[Anonymous]

You post many times, don't you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Years ago I decided if my husband wants to see his family, take the kids to see them, he should but I would no longer go. I can't see being around people that never liked me, talked behind my back.

Once we got that straight, life became less stressful.

I did the same. Life is too precious to waste time on petty and insecure people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've known my in-laws for almost 20 years. My FIL is a selfish jerk who verbally abuses my MIL and monopolizes every conversation. My MIL is not the brightest bulb- she can be sweet but she is so submissive to my FIL that she can't have an opinion or really contribute to a conversation. My DH can't stand his dad and thinks his mom is an idiot. Kids don't seem to want much to do with them because they never talk to the kids or ask what is going on in their lives (tween/ teen age kids).

We do the obligatory visits once every few months where the in-laws never ask us how we're doing or what we're up to and they spend the visit telling us about the food they've eaten recently (it's very weird but it's their thing). Since they don't ask about what or how anyone's doing we stopped volunteering that information years ago. We tried to volunteer it for a period of time but they really didn't care so we stopped. They don't know what is going on in our lives. It's a very superficial relationship. My FIL has gotten worse over the years and now pretty much just converses with himself during these visits, not allowing anyone else to respond without interrupting them. So we basically just sit there for a few hours listening to him talk and demean his wife.

I'm the person from a few weeks ago whose in-laws were insisting to visit my dad in hospice when he was dying. Thanks for all the support given from that post. I think I'm finally done, given my history with them. Got together with the in-laws for a late Thanksgiving. My dad, who they didn't like but had given me such a hard time about visiting in hospice, finally passed away. I haven't seen the in-laws since until yesterday. Neither of my in-laws asked how I was doing or even told me they were sorry for my loss. It isn't out of character, given that they don't care about us at all. But I think I'm done.

I guess my question is this- when is it okay to cut your losses and be done with it? DH and I both work full time and the kids are busy with their activities. Is it wrong for me to gradually cut these people of of our lives? DH doesn't really care one way or the other and has volunteered to take the kids without me whenever the next obligatory visit is (I'm feeling sick already!). He's given up trying to make them into decent people. Or should I just keep them in our lives for the kids and continue the status quo with lowered expectations? Continuing the relationship isn't really harmful except the kids may think that FIL's behavior and treatment of people is acceptable. Thoughts? Be gentle, please.

OP, I am so sorry about your dad. Be gracious. Be more gracious than your rude in laws. Always.

That said, you owe them nothing. They are your DH's parents, to deal with, or not. We tolerate my ILs, at this point. If I don't feel like participating, I don't. I don't push myself, because they make no effort, so why should I? A rhetorical question, of course. If your DH wants to attend whatever it is, let him. If he wants to bring the children and give you a break (unless they are abusive to your DH or children, of course) - let him. You do not need to overextend yourself in any way, because as you know, your ILs never will. Ask me how I know. Again, you owe them nothing - and you certainly don't need to mss their feet, considering how they behave. Age is absolutely NO excuse, on their part. Besides, there are many more of them than you, so they should be the ones reaching out. They sound awfully selfish and self centered, I'm so sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Years ago I decided if my husband wants to see his family, take the kids to see them, he should but I would no longer go. I can't see being around people that never liked me, talked behind my back.

Once we got that straight, life became less stressful.

I did the same. Life is too precious to waste time on petty and insecure people.

+1

My Ils don't accept anyone who is different. I ahem seen it with several "outsiders" - the ILs have made it loud and clear. Their ignorance is part of their own misery, and therefor, not my issue. Don't force yourself to be around these awful people, OP.