Spinoff: if you financially support your parents/ILs, how did the arrangement begin?

[Anonymous]

DH and I anticipate that his parents will need financial support from us and his siblings beginning in the next year or so, perhaps as soon as when we see them later this month. I am ok with this because they have always been hardworking and responsible, and are really nice folks who always put family first. FIL's employer closed in the recession and he was never able to find anything that paid as well. MIL worked until recently, but never earned much, and is starting to show signs of early dementia and FIL will increasingly need to care for her. So I am fine with the idea of picking up some of the bills (but would rather not just give cash due to the dementia).

My question is: how do family conversations about this begin? It seems so awkward and painful to talk about. Do we wait until asked? Meet with siblings beforehand? Should just DH talk with them? Please advise. TIA.

[Anonymous]

I think DH should talk with siblings and see where they are at and together they can best decide how to approach the parents.
Since FIL is still able to care for himself he should have in put on how best he will need to be supported.

[Anonymous]

PP again My grandmother has dementia and caregiving is no easy task.
Unfortunately my mother and her siblings were in denial for a long time.

A key thing is to make sure everyone is aware of the health concerns in on the same page.

What kind of care does MIL need?

Is your FIL able to provide this care on his own?

Would having a nurse assistant come in a couple of times a week or a housecleaner be helpful etc etc?

Good luck caring for aging family members is not easy.

[Anonymous]

Pay directly with dementia. We just saw warning signs with the dementia and started with little things like sending gift cards. When we realized they went unused we started doing things like grocery delivery and progressing from there.

[Anonymous]

Thanks everyone. Right now MIL is just somewhat forgetful, and does not need very much skilled care. They have a few neighborhood friends who come over and sit with for a nominal paycheck her while FIL is at work. But in the future we will have to figure out a real aide, and of course either one of them could become more ill at any time.

Anyway, I'm more interested in advice on how to broach the topic generally. I want to be sensitive and I know this is a very difficult part of life, but I also want us to be realistic and straightforward with one another.

[Anonymous]

It really isn't your place to bring anything up.
Your husband needs to discuss things with his siblings.
They have known their parents all their life and know how things operate within that dynamic, and how best to approach the subject of how much help is needed and wanted.

Your role in this is to be supportive to your husband. Help research options, listen to him vent, be a shoulder to cry on.

[Anonymous]

I disagree that it's not your place to interfere. You seem caring and concerned. Everyone in the family will benefit from your positive attitude and willingness to look for solutions before the problem gets out of hand. Money is nice and certainly a good start, but caregiving is a grueling task that is itself akin to a prison sentence. Try to keep Dad working for his own sake and to give him a break.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I disagree that it's not your place to interfere. You seem caring and concerned. Everyone in the family will benefit from your positive attitude and willingness to look for solutions before the problem gets out of hand. Money is nice and certainly a good start, but caregiving is a grueling task that is itself akin to a prison sentence. Try to keep Dad working for his own sake and to give him a break.

She's the DIL it' really isn't her place to say anything initially that's for her husband and his siblings to do. SHe can be a support in the background until it becomes needed or asked for her to take a more frontline role.

[Anonymous]

I've gone through this with both my mom and my ILs. With my mom it was clear it was all on me and my DH. We started much earlier than most and asked her to move closer to us so she could be close with our kids. We helped her find work and we pay her rent. She cares for the kids when we have work travel and one afternoon a week. I am sure this will change over time but she is only 65. I raised the topic when we were on a visit about a year before the move.

ILs were different. They started having health issues and needing money when DH was deployed. I did what I could but when he got home we made a visit out. We tried stop gap measures like buying their house and covering the mortgage. This was a disaster. They were in their early 80s. Things got and are a lot better since we work d with them to move to assisted living. My FIL was the one most resistant but responds well to facts so I did the research and my DH and I presented the plan during a visit. The big sell was his physical health was becoming a burden on MIL whose mental health was in the decline.

Tips:

Make sure you and DH are in the same page with what you can and want to do

If siblings plan to be engaged talk to them about what that can look like together

Plan ahead - don't just think about the short term. Who will have power of attorney and when? Who will go on bank accounts.

It is just MIL now at 90 in a nursing home and Medicaid has kicked in but they had another 10 good years in independent and assisted living