Moms odd behavior..... Did I do the right thing?

[Anonymous]

My mom came over for thanksgiving, she brought along some food. When leaving I gave her bowl back. She looked at it and told me 'oh this older bowl is not mine' (I have an identical one). I told her it was her. I didn't tell her but I am buying her a new one, but this is very typical of her. Anything that I do or say is wrong. I usually ignore, I have a growing family. It's not worth my time and energy. I am curious if anyone else have similar experience. Was my reaction wrong?

[Anonymous]

Your should consider whether there is early dementia.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your should consider whether there is early dementia.

This is my thought. She's probably not doing it on purpose. My MIL has early onset dementia. We feel horrible we and many others missed all the warning signs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your should consider whether there is early dementia.

This is my thought. She's probably not doing it on purpose. My MIL has early onset dementia. We feel horrible we and many others missed all the warning signs.

I thought about it but she is not forgetful, she genuinely believes wrong facts regarding me. Regarding the bowl she said 'old one is your and new one was is mine.' I know she genuinely believed what she was saying. She definitely wasn't trying to score a used bowl from her daughter. I am lost, I don't know what it is. She is kind to rest of my siblings.

[Anonymous]

It is a bowl...let it go.

[Anonymous]

We all unwittingly distort reality sometimes, through forgetfulness, because we age and/or because our lives are so busy.
The question would be whether she does this extensively to everyone, in which case it would definitely be bloody annoying, and a possible sign of dementia or other psychiatric disorder, or whether it's occasional and you can just let it go.

What do you mean by your last phrase, OP, about your mother being kind to your siblings? Are you implying that she is being intentionally mean when she believes wrong things about you? That would not be consistent with your earlier statement that she truly believed what she was saying.
Are you implying that she never believes wrong things about your siblings? Perhaps your siblings just don't make such a big deal of it, or perhaps they somehow command more respect from her and she's more careful with them - unfortunately, I've seen that dynamic played out frequently. In that case, maybe it's not too late to be a little forceful with her.

[Anonymous]

Op, why choose to view it as a slight?

This is what you are doing. No happiness can come of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
We all unwittingly distort reality sometimes, through forgetfulness, because we age and/or because our lives are so busy.
The question would be whether she does this extensively to everyone, in which case it would definitely be bloody annoying, and a possible sign of dementia or other psychiatric disorder, or whether it's occasional and you can just let it go.

What do you mean by your last phrase, OP, about your mother being kind to your siblings? Are you implying that she is being intentionally mean when she believes wrong things about you? That would not be consistent with your earlier statement that she truly believed what she was saying.
Are you implying that she never believes wrong things about your siblings? Perhaps your siblings just don't make such a big deal of it, or perhaps they somehow command more respect from her and she's more careful with them - unfortunately, I've seen that dynamic played out frequently. In that case, maybe it's not too late to be a little forceful with her.

Op here, The bowl incident made me contemplate on other bigger issues but I can understand why my mom believes wrong things about me but not my siblings. Some background: Growing up my parents never provided a home. I grew up at my grandmas. A few years ago I bought a condo for them so finally they can live in a decent place. I had to sell it with 50k loss because the condo was being bought out. I knew the condo was not that great before buying but at that time my mom had to have it. So I gave in. Never received a thank you from her or sorry that I lost money. My parents have made bad choices all their live. I had to suffer as a result. My sister lived with me for a year after college. I didn't charge her rent, she had a high paying job. My mom told me it was my responsibility to support her. I told her I was happy to help my little sister, she is my little sister no matter what.

I lived with my parents for 5 years in my entire life. I worked very hard to finish college with a special needs child. My husband and I both worked very hard to earn higher degrees while having 2+ children. My life is not typical, my special needs child needs a lot of care. So far I am comfortable in the life I have created. My mom's constant negativity makes my life harder than it is. Right now my brother has everything done for him by mom; she still says he workes hard. Yes I do lack boundaries with my parents. I never had time to establish a boundary with them. I never spoke up with them. Right now I am too old for that. I am puzzled why she believes negative things about me while I never really disappointed her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
We all unwittingly distort reality sometimes, through forgetfulness, because we age and/or because our lives are so busy.
The question would be whether she does this extensively to everyone, in which case it would definitely be bloody annoying, and a possible sign of dementia or other psychiatric disorder, or whether it's occasional and you can just let it go.

What do you mean by your last phrase, OP, about your mother being kind to your siblings? Are you implying that she is being intentionally mean when she believes wrong things about you? That would not be consistent with your earlier statement that she truly believed what she was saying.
Are you implying that she never believes wrong things about your siblings? Perhaps your siblings just don't make such a big deal of it, or perhaps they somehow command more respect from her and she's more careful with them - unfortunately, I've seen that dynamic played out frequently. In that case, maybe it's not too late to be a little forceful with her.

Op here, The bowl incident made me contemplate on other bigger issues but I can understand why my mom believes wrong things about me but not my siblings. Some background: Growing up my parents never provided a home. I grew up at my grandmas. A few years ago I bought a condo for them so finally they can live in a decent place. I had to sell it with 50k loss because the condo was being bought out. I knew the condo was not that great before buying but at that time my mom had to have it. So I gave in. Never received a thank you from her or sorry that I lost money. My parents have made bad choices all their live. I had to suffer as a result. My sister lived with me for a year after college. I didn't charge her rent, she had a high paying job. My mom told me it was my responsibility to support her. I told her I was happy to help my little sister, she is my little sister no matter what.

I lived with my parents for 5 years in my entire life. I worked very hard to finish college with a special needs child. My husband and I both worked very hard to earn higher degrees while having 2+ children. My life is not typical, my special needs child needs a lot of care. So far I am comfortable in the life I have created. My mom's constant negativity makes my life harder than it is. Right now my brother has everything done for him by mom; she still says he workes hard. Yes I do lack boundaries with my parents. I never had time to establish a boundary with them. I never spoke up with them. Right now I am too old for that. I am puzzled why she believes negative things about me while I never really disappointed her.

I am being serious when I say that for your situation, you should get into therapy. The issue isn't the bowl. The issue is you keep thinking that the very next thing you do for your parents that they want will be the one that will make them love you like they should and swoon over you. It won't happen. You need to make peace with that and move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
We all unwittingly distort reality sometimes, through forgetfulness, because we age and/or because our lives are so busy.
The question would be whether she does this extensively to everyone, in which case it would definitely be bloody annoying, and a possible sign of dementia or other psychiatric disorder, or whether it's occasional and you can just let it go.

What do you mean by your last phrase, OP, about your mother being kind to your siblings? Are you implying that she is being intentionally mean when she believes wrong things about you? That would not be consistent with your earlier statement that she truly believed what she was saying.
Are you implying that she never believes wrong things about your siblings? Perhaps your siblings just don't make such a big deal of it, or perhaps they somehow command more respect from her and she's more careful with them - unfortunately, I've seen that dynamic played out frequently. In that case, maybe it's not too late to be a little forceful with her.

Op here, The bowl incident made me contemplate on other bigger issues but I can understand why my mom believes wrong things about me but not my siblings. Some background: Growing up my parents never provided a home. I grew up at my grandmas. A few years ago I bought a condo for them so finally they can live in a decent place. I had to sell it with 50k loss because the condo was being bought out. I knew the condo was not that great before buying but at that time my mom had to have it. So I gave in. Never received a thank you from her or sorry that I lost money. My parents have made bad choices all their live. I had to suffer as a result. My sister lived with me for a year after college. I didn't charge her rent, she had a high paying job. My mom told me it was my responsibility to support her. I told her I was happy to help my little sister, she is my little sister no matter what.

I lived with my parents for 5 years in my entire life. I worked very hard to finish college with a special needs child. My husband and I both worked very hard to earn higher degrees while having 2+ children. My life is not typical, my special needs child needs a lot of care. So far I am comfortable in the life I have created. My mom's constant negativity makes my life harder than it is. Right now my brother has everything done for him by mom; she still says he workes hard. Yes I do lack boundaries with my parents. I never had time to establish a boundary with them. I never spoke up with them. Right now I am too old for that. I am puzzled why she believes negative things about me while I never really disappointed her.

Many of us have special needs kids who need a lot of care. Many kids grow up in various family situations. Your life is very typical. If your mom has struggled all her life, it is very possible more is going on. It may not be dementia but it could be something. My MIL personality completely changed when she was starting to get dementia.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
We all unwittingly distort reality sometimes, through forgetfulness, because we age and/or because our lives are so busy.
The question would be whether she does this extensively to everyone, in which case it would definitely be bloody annoying, and a possible sign of dementia or other psychiatric disorder, or whether it's occasional and you can just let it go.

What do you mean by your last phrase, OP, about your mother being kind to your siblings? Are you implying that she is being intentionally mean when she believes wrong things about you? That would not be consistent with your earlier statement that she truly believed what she was saying.
Are you implying that she never believes wrong things about your siblings? Perhaps your siblings just don't make such a big deal of it, or perhaps they somehow command more respect from her and she's more careful with them - unfortunately, I've seen that dynamic played out frequently. In that case, maybe it's not too late to be a little forceful with her.

Op here, The bowl incident made me contemplate on other bigger issues but I can understand why my mom believes wrong things about me but not my siblings. Some background: Growing up my parents never provided a home. I grew up at my grandmas. A few years ago I bought a condo for them so finally they can live in a decent place. I had to sell it with 50k loss because the condo was being bought out. I knew the condo was not that great before buying but at that time my mom had to have it. So I gave in. Never received a thank you from her or sorry that I lost money. My parents have made bad choices all their live. I had to suffer as a result. My sister lived with me for a year after college. I didn't charge her rent, she had a high paying job. My mom told me it was my responsibility to support her. I told her I was happy to help my little sister, she is my little sister no matter what.

I lived with my parents for 5 years in my entire life. I worked very hard to finish college with a special needs child. My husband and I both worked very hard to earn higher degrees while having 2+ children. My life is not typical, my special needs child needs a lot of care. So far I am comfortable in the life I have created. My mom's constant negativity makes my life harder than it is. Right now my brother has everything done for him by mom; she still says he workes hard. Yes I do lack boundaries with my parents. I never had time to establish a boundary with them. I never spoke up with them. Right now I am too old for that. I am puzzled why she believes negative things about me while I never really disappointed her.

Many of us have special needs kids who need a lot of care. Many kids grow up in various family situations. Your life is very typical. If your mom has struggled all her life, it is very possible more is going on. It may not be dementia but it could be something. My MIL personality completely changed when she was starting to get dementia.

+1. Forgetfulness is not always a first sign. It can present with not recognizing things that are familiar. Or she may have mental illness. Or she may be super stressed out. Ask her to go see her doctor, and then call the doctor and tell them your concerns.

[Anonymous]

Op here, Thanks everyone for your kind advice. Thank you all for opening my eyes; I will take myself to a therapist and will talk to my mom's provider for dementia screening.

[Anonymous]

I'm 18:36.

I parent a child with special needs; we all have our crosses to bear in life. I understand that your childhood trauma has made it difficult for you to create healthy boundaries with your mother, siblings, and perhaps everybody. It's NOT too late to start now, not for them, but for you! You deserve happiness and health, and if people are demanding too much from you, you have the power to make it stop. It appears you took on the mantle of chief caregiver to your family early on.

I second the need for a therapist. He or she will hopefully convince you that you do not need your family's approval to live your life. You will hopefully get to a point that nasty comments or burdensome expectations don't faze you anymore.

The bottom line is: when you help a family member who needs it, like your mother, you do it as you would for an anonymous charity case. Not expecting maternal love in return, or anything she cannot give. Feel free to severely limit contact with your family at all other times. This is what DH does with his father, who has bipolar disorder and is a real handful! He helps him with medical and material stuff, listens UN-emotionally to his rants, but avoids him as much as he can.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
We all unwittingly distort reality sometimes, through forgetfulness, because we age and/or because our lives are so busy.
The question would be whether she does this extensively to everyone, in which case it would definitely be bloody annoying, and a possible sign of dementia or other psychiatric disorder, or whether it's occasional and you can just let it go.

What do you mean by your last phrase, OP, about your mother being kind to your siblings? Are you implying that she is being intentionally mean when she believes wrong things about you? That would not be consistent with your earlier statement that she truly believed what she was saying.
Are you implying that she never believes wrong things about your siblings? Perhaps your siblings just don't make such a big deal of it, or perhaps they somehow command more respect from her and she's more careful with them - unfortunately, I've seen that dynamic played out frequently. In that case, maybe it's not too late to be a little forceful with her.

Op here, The bowl incident made me contemplate on other bigger issues but I can understand why my mom believes wrong things about me but not my siblings. Some background: Growing up my parents never provided a home. I grew up at my grandmas. A few years ago I bought a condo for them so finally they can live in a decent place. I had to sell it with 50k loss because the condo was being bought out. I knew the condo was not that great before buying but at that time my mom had to have it. So I gave in. Never received a thank you from her or sorry that I lost money. My parents have made bad choices all their live. I had to suffer as a result. My sister lived with me for a year after college. I didn't charge her rent, she had a high paying job. My mom told me it was my responsibility to support her. I told her I was happy to help my little sister, she is my little sister no matter what.

I lived with my parents for 5 years in my entire life. I worked very hard to finish college with a special needs child. My husband and I both worked very hard to earn higher degrees while having 2+ children. My life is not typical, my special needs child needs a lot of care. So far I am comfortable in the life I have created. My mom's constant negativity makes my life harder than it is. Right now my brother has everything done for him by mom; she still says he workes hard. Yes I do lack boundaries with my parents. I never had time to establish a boundary with them. I never spoke up with them. Right now I am too old for that. I am puzzled why she believes negative things about me while I never really disappointed her.

This is so not about a bowl!! Your mom is not a resposible adult. It sounds like she has always been unreliable and immature. You have to find a way to stop expecting her to act differently. A lot of moms would insist you keep the good newer bowl even if they thought it was theirs. You have done nothing wrong.