Disciplining 12 year old.

[Anonymous]

My 12 year old son is a great student, has never been in trouble in school and I just got a note from his homeroom teacher recently about how "caring, thoughtful and engaging he is in class". He has started doing the whole grunting noise when asked to do something around the house, being generally disrespectful by not answering immediately when I call his name and repeatedly calling his siblings "idiots" after being told to stop. I've taken away his electronics repeatedly and it seems to have little effect, though he really likes his stuff. What other suggestions does anyone have? He's a good kid overall, but I'm not going to tolerate being disrespected.

[Anonymous]

read some parenting teens books like "i'd listen to my parents if they would just shut up" by anthony wolf. it is helping us.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I'm also going to add that he's the same size as me already (I'm petite).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: OP here. I'm also going to add that he's the same size as me already (I'm petite).

How does this factor into the discussion? What if he was 1/2 your size, would your approach be any different?

[Anonymous]

You definitely need to read some parenting books. Love and Logic, talk to your kids so that they will listen, anything like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: OP here. I'm also going to add that he's the same size as me already (I'm petite).

Has he been physically threatening towards you?

[Anonymous]

I suggest you unclench. The only thing I would have a problem with is calling siblings names. if my 12yr old says "I know!" when I itell her to do something, as long as she goes to do it, I let the attitude slide. That's not the battle I'm going to pick.

I think you're setting up a dynamic where your son is going to hate you. My mother was like you are with my brother and me, and we consider her a control freak and spend very little time with her.

[Anonymous]

You need to set age appropriate expectations. Show me a 12 year old who isn't hormonal and grouching about chores and siblings and I'll show you a robot.

[Anonymous]

Op you sound a little like you are expecting perfection. Check that.

[Anonymous]

OP, be a little deaf. You don't have to respond to every noise and word he says. Pick your battles. Think long-term: You need him to regard you as someone he likes, respects, wants to please. This becomes more and more important as he moves into the teen years. If you ride his ass relentlessly, overreact to minor transgressions, etc, you will undermine your relationship with him. I'm not talking about being a friend instead if a parent. I'm talking about being viewed as someone who is fair, wise, patient, kind.

QTIP: quit taking it personally. It's not about you. Let him grouch and grumble.

And regarding your point about his size relative to yours: if you are thinking of physically imposing your will on a 12-year-old, you are treading n very dangerous ground, relationship-wise.

[Anonymous]

Lighten up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: I suggest you unclench. The only thing I would have a problem with is calling siblings names. if my 12yr old says "I know!" when I itell her to do something, as long as she goes to do it, I let the attitude slide. That's not the battle I'm going to pick.

I think you're setting up a dynamic where your son is going to hate you. My mother was like you are with my brother and me, and we consider her a control freak and spend very little time with her.

Good luck to her keeping a job in a few years. Her employers aren't going to let the attitude slide.

None of what OP mentioned is okay. None of it. I do agree with the suggestions to communicate more effectively with her kid, but that isn't done by shrugging shoulders saying " oh well he's a teean it's fine to be rude."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op you sound a little like you are expecting perfection. Check that.

This. He is 12. He is not going to be a perfect, obedient child anymore. He is asserting himself and trying to become his own person. You can still punish him for being insulting and rude but you can't control every aspect of his behavior. By taking away his electronics, you are letting him know it's not okay with you to behave that way and he is letting you know that for now he is going to do it anyway.

[Anonymous]

Let the grunting slide. Don't allow verbal abuse of sibs though.

[Anonymous]

I would come down hard on the namecalling for siblings that's unacceptable in my book and potentially very damaging to them.

I wouldn't punish for the attitude , but I would call him out on it. He needs to know it's not okay to speak anyway he pleases.

He's also at the age where he wants more independence so use that to your advantage positively. Maybe id he steps up and does the things he's supposed to without reminders he earns a privilege.

For me, I've found at this age it helps to outline expectations and let it go. If it's a chore that needs to be done, let him know when it needs to be completed and step back.