Help me not fall out with my Mother
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Anonymous
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Mom is visiting from another country and is only here for 3 more days. I know I should keep my mouth shut but her constant beratement of my 3 yo is driving me crazy.
She raised us quite strictly and I don't remember being allowed to express ourselves, show much emotion etc. I am choosing not to raise my DD the same way. She is well behaved for the most part, no issues at bedtime or with food, does as shes asked with minimal fussing, has nice manners ( says bless you when someones sneezes and things like that) but she is also at that stage where she says what shes thinking or how she feels and Mom things she is downright rude and badly behaved. Examples, She is being too loud and Mom says shh so DD says " don't shh me" I tell her not to say that and its rude but Moms head is almost spinning in circles. Yesterday I asked Mom to help her wash her hands and DD says " I can do it myself" and told my Mum to " get out" of the bathroom. Mum flips out and starts berating DD for being rude. I get that she was rude but I feel like Mum is constantly harping on the bad things she does rather than just enjoying her for the person she is. She doesnt see her very often and I feel that she is missing out on her Granddaughter because of this and its pissing me off. |
Anonymous
| Sorry, I'm on Mother's side. That behavior from my DC would not be tolerated (and it's not being "strict"). |
Anonymous
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Your mother does sound quite strict. I don't blame her, but you're right that this is spoiling the little time she has with her. What would happen if you told her: "Mom, you hardly ever see your granddaughter. Instead of getting upset every time DD says what she thinks, why don't you focus on enjoying your time with her?" |
Anonymous
ITA |
Anonymous
| Your DD's behavior is very age-appropriate but it does need to be corrected. I know you are gently telling her that she is rude but what is your mother doing? Yelling? Unfortunately, your mother will not be able to appreciate her grandchild for a few more years when she grows out of this phase. |
Anonymous
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OP here: Im trying to think of examples that dont involve direct rudeness
Yesterday at Thanksgiving dinner I was happy that DD ate broccoli, cauliflower, turkey etc but Mum kept looking at her because was was holding her spoon and fork together in the air. I was happy she ate a good dinner and didnt care about her spoon and fork. Out at breakfast the other day DD had eggs which she was eating nicely and Mom asks me when im going to teach her to use a knife and fork properly.... We have 2 dogs and DD will happily go on our walks, has done since she was little, never complains about walking etc. I let her hold one of their leashes in our neighborhood but not on the main road, yesterday DD cried for about 30 secs then got over it because she couldn't hold the dog on the mail road. She got over it quickly but Mum told me that she was behaving like a 2yo......... |
Anonymous
Another person in agreement with this. BUT, is your mom going ballistic over these things or is she gently reprimanding your DC for being rude and suggesting a more polite way of saying these things? I think that makes a huge difference. If the former, then I agree that your mom needs to dial it back a little. But if the latter, then I see no problem with what she is doing/her attitude towards the rudeness. Just because you are 3 does not exempt you from being polite (in an age appropriate way, of course). |
Anonymous
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OP here, She is not gently reminding her and thats my issue, she is going on and on about it to me, and is telling everyone else she comes in contact with that DD is rude and badly behaved. My Il's who live close by and see DD quite often don't seem to have any issues with DD, If they do, they tell her off and then everyone moves on. Its the constant going on about it and blowing it out of proportion thats bothering me.
I feel like shes totally judging my parenting, I think she forgets what 3yo's are like. |
Anonymous
+1 We have had similar issues with my dad and our three year old. I ended up snapping and undercutting my dad once because it was just too much. By the time they adjust to what is normal and age appropriate, the visit is over. It doesn't help that they remember me as a perfect obedient kid. Ask grandma to focus on praising DD when she is good and to leave the discipline to you. |
Anonymous
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Your mom only has a few days left to visit. Don't cause problems. It sounds like your DD is a little on the spoiled side. Your mom sees it. Your local in-laws don't care. |
Anonymous
Tell your mom this. And if she goes on and on, tell her that you heard her the first time she said it, and ask her to drop it. |
Anonymous
| OP here: I'll try 10:24's approach and see if that helps. Thank you. |
Anonymous
| I like 10:24's approach, too. But I wonder if your daughter is a little wound up or out of sorts with having your mom here? My son was ABOMINABLE when we had family visiting this past summer. Like he was showing off or possessed, I don't know. OMG it was awful. Just something to consider. |
Anonymous
| OP your kid is a brat. It sounds like that is overcorrection from your part based on how you were raised, but nonetheless she sounds awful. And she does it because your actions have taught her that that is an appropriate way to speak to people. Sorry but you created this mess. |
Anonymous
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I don't think your kid sounds like a brat. Your kid sounds like a 3 year old.
I'd try 10:24's suggestion, too. I'd also remind my mom that time is precious and none of us gets a do-over on memories. Trust your instincts. You're a good mom & a good daughter. |