Retired parents-- any hopeful retirement stories out there?
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Anonymous
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My parents both retired two years ago and have made my two children their main focus. It's starting to feel both unhealthy, and somewhat aggravating. My parents have no hobbies other than watching TV and talking about health issues (they are both 65 and actually in very good health, not overweight, no cancer, etc). They watch loads of cable news and based on the texts I get, the bright red news alert headlines really rile them up (did you see the State Dept issued a worldwide travel warning!!?? Oh my god oh my god how scary!!)
Their latest obsession is sending me constant texts asking for photos of our kids. When they visit they take slews of photos as well as videos. They already have plenty of photos. If I sent one, they want MORE. I don't know why they need more, and more, and more. their cameras AND iphone are loaded with photos of the kids from the last visit less than a month ago. They had talked about working part-time but it's not going to happen. My mother talked about joining Curves but it never happened. They talk about traveling to new places but it hardly happens. I see elderly people, much older than they are, jogging in the morning or doing tai-chi, and I so wish my parents would do that. They used to like traveling to New England. I wish they'd get a second home there and had talked about it (never will happen). They can certainly afford it. An elderly neighbor runs a children's program every summer. My in-laws are active in their neighborhood organizations. My parents bitch and moan about the new (non-white) neighbors who they swear are getting away with breaking zoning rules. Yes, the old neighborhood is changing. But if it's no longer your cup of tea, then leave. There are so many other great places to move to, even just half an hour away. They would still see their friends. I wish they'd join SOMETHING. Being a grandparent should be one aspect of someone's life. Not their single reason to exist. |
Anonymous
| I wish my in laws would show some interest in DC. One of my brothers in laws actually warned us not ot get our hopes up, calling them "dead beat grandparents." They had a large family, have a lot of grandkids, are both retired, and seem perfectly happy to do their own thing. I can't remember the last time they called DH. Maybe his birthday? They're good kind people, just focused on their own thing. I guess everyone is different. |
Anonymous
OP here. My kids are my parents' only grandchildren, so the hyperfocus is on us. We always joke that we wish our siblings had kids to spread the attention around. I wish there was a something in between they would aim for. I'd love to hear my parents say they are taking a long cruise around South America or something all on their own instead of visiting us. I wouldn't feel offended at all. I feel like their interest in our kids is just overboard and that they put too much into them. For example, one of my mother's cousins was having an anniversary party about three hours away. My family was going to attend but a few things came up and it was just too much with small kids. My parents seemed intent on going-- after all, my mom grew up with this cousin-- but once she heard we weren't going, she backed out as well, saying, well, the grandkids won't be there, so we decided it wasn't worth going." It's stuff like this that bugs me. |
Anonymous
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Well at least they like your kids...my kids are the only grand kids and Mil/FIL live 40 minutes away and are retired and literally only see the kids 4-5 times a year. My kids both play a travel sport and the grandparents have never seen them play-- we were told the games are too early (games start between 8am and 4pm).
They just aren't interested and the kids are old enough to know it. |
Anonymous
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Decide how much access, and how many texts/emails, you feel comfortable with and stick to that amount. If they ask for more, ignore it. Send some unprompted occasionally.
All the rest, IGNORE. It's their lives to live. You can encourage them to do other things, but if they don't want to, you can not force them to live active lives if that's not who they are. If you are feeling smothered, create a little space, without telling them you are creating space. Ignore all guilt trips or attempts to manipulate. Occasionally reach out yourself. They sound like loving grandparents. Do they baby sit? Can you and your DH go away and leave the kids with them? Find ways to use their grandchild obsession for your gain! |
Anonymous
| BOO HOO. |
Anonymous
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It is either a flood or a drought. I got he drought, it sounds like you go the flood. You can set boundaries with the flood.
How often do they visit? how close do they live? |
Anonymous
I literally just checked the date and time of this post to see if I was the one who wrote it. Wow. My ILs (DH is an only child) barely give a shit. They show up for holidays and occasionally a sports event, but otherwise, I cannot even figure out what they do. They don't travel or have friends or have hobbies. They don't work on their house or their garden or have friends or close relationships with other family members. They don't go to church or work out. Honestly, all they do is watch TV/read the paper/go to the grocery store. And they are 20 years younger than my parents who visit often and have a great relationship with my kids. My kids are starting to voice the fact that the IL grandparents are kind of weird. It's pretty sad. |
Anonymous
| They need a dog and a hobby. |
Anonymous
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Op, what do you care? You sound way too involved in THEM. Leave them alone. What they do/ or don't do is none
of your business. It goes both ways. Set aside time 2x week to respond to their texts, inquires. My guess is they don't feel as close to you as they would like (thus not getting enough of you). But from your post it sounds like you'd rather criticize. |
Anonymous
| This is a shameful post. When they die you will regret saying what you said. |
Anonymous
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My parents are really really busy in their retirement, and we are so grateful for that. OP, I understand your feelings. When my parents retired I was worried about my dad maybe withering away in front of the tv, but my mom has their life fully booked, balanced pretty well with family and home time.
You should buy your parents a cruise for Christmas. Maybe it will spark an interest for them (ask siblings to pitch in). My parents love those group bus trips too. Do you live near them? Maybe ask them to volunteer for something with you, which could lead them to more volunteering (without you). |
Anonymous
| My ILs are very involved in church, in charities, gardening in the summer, volunteer work, see their friends a lot. DH says they are much busier now than when they were both working. I find the church the a little irritating because it means they only visit us during the week and not on weekends. |
Anonymous
"if you want to know what someone fears losing, look at what they photograph" Be kind, OP. How about an activity they can do with the kids? Weekly yoga or sports or swimming....? |
Anonymous
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OP: I wish I had your problems. You sound like an ungrateful child. Figure out how to channel all that love. Think of it like money.
The grandparents make you and your kids rich. Invest wisely. |