What do you talk to your 65-70-ish yr old parents about - esp if no grandkids?

[Anonymous]

I'm in my mid 30s and single/no kids, so "going home" now is just as it was 10 yrs ago. Thing is 5-10 yrs ago I COULD NOT WAIT to get home for Thanksgiving, long weekends etc. We just aren't a fun, exciting family that does stuff (I want to be, but we're not) -- but just sit around and talking was fun. My parents were still working, I was new to the working world, I was happy to share my tales re friends, life in the city etc. Just being together -- meals, sitting around, trips to the mall etc. were comforting.

But now -- my parents are retired (for 5+ yrs), I'm not particularly happy in life or work, and visiting just isn't fun or comforting anymore. Talking consists of - them telling me the same gossip over and over re relatives - always judgmental, never good; or health related things; or religious preaching (which only started after they stopped working). My dad was very career oriented and is VERY involved in my sister's career - as in she calls home nightly and talks to him about work. I used to have a good career for 7-8 yrs, but it's just not my MO to talk about work outside of work; and then I lost that job, was unemployed for 18 months, and picked up a new job that I really dislike and am freaking out about whether I'll be stuck there for life. They know this and STILL it's questions about work -- as they believe it's SOO interesting and prestigious (it isn't); and if I say "i hate it" or "i don't want to talk about it" they get offended.

How do I navigate the holidays? I would love to recapture that feeling of comfort, but I know that's unlikely; so how do I get thru the holidays without feeling like I have to be totally fake and putting on a show?

[Anonymous]

You need to go in with a plan. Go see movies with them. Watch movies on Netflix. Take your mom clothing shopping. Tell them about old friends from your schooldays that you've kept in touch with. "Hey Mom, remember Natasha? She moved to Australia!" Then you can talk about Australia.

Ask your dad how to fix your vacuum cleaner. Or garbage disposal. Or change the oil in your car! Was he in the Army? I have found any old person, whether or not they liked their time there, always has tons of stories about their time in the military.

Come up with three things you can say about work. "I work right near a great pho place, I've been using that fancy pen you gave me 12 years ago at work every day, my boss likes that obscure whatever that you also like." Then just stick to those things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm in my mid 30s and single/no kids, so "going home" now is just as it was 10 yrs ago. Thing is 5-10 yrs ago I COULD NOT WAIT to get home for Thanksgiving, long weekends etc. We just aren't a fun, exciting family that does stuff (I want to be, but we're not) -- but just sit around and talking was fun. My parents were still working, I was new to the working world, I was happy to share my tales re friends, life in the city etc. Just being together -- meals, sitting around, trips to the mall etc. were comforting.

But now -- my parents are retired (for 5+ yrs), I'm not particularly happy in life or work, and visiting just isn't fun or comforting anymore. Talking consists of - them telling me the same gossip over and over re relatives - always judgmental, never good; or health related things; or religious preaching (which only started after they stopped working). My dad was very career oriented and is VERY involved in my sister's career - as in she calls home nightly and talks to him about work. I used to have a good career for 7-8 yrs, but it's just not my MO to talk about work outside of work; and then I lost that job, was unemployed for 18 months, and picked up a new job that I really dislike and am freaking out about whether I'll be stuck there for life. They know this and STILL it's questions about work -- as they believe it's SOO interesting and prestigious (it isn't); and if I say "i hate it" or "i don't want to talk about it" they get offended.

How do I navigate the holidays? I would love to recapture that feeling of comfort, but I know that's unlikely; so how do I get thru the holidays without feeling like I have to be totally fake and putting on a show?

My dad died recently after a long battle with cancer. He had to give up his work, his hobbies, lost 100 pounds....He also didn't like to talk about cancer.
I would literally make up things to talk about as if I were preparing a lesson plan because it was kindest to let him feel like a dad and not a patient.

I would ask him advice about cars to buy, interest rates, what was the best dog he ever had, the farthest place he ever traveled for business...I even solicited ideas from some of his friends when he was sick so I could have stories to talk to him about from their memories so he'd remember he was a person, not a disease.

I was recently talking to a little kid the same way (So what do you for snacks at school? WHat crackers do you like best?) and I realized I had seen my dad to this a million times, so everyone felt like they were important in his presence.

You may need to dig deeper and see what hobbies they have taken up since they retired. Any trips coming up? Any cliques in the community? How do you get "in" and what behavior gets people left out?

Worst case: play Monopoly.

[Anonymous]

My advice would be to try to spend more time doing things than sitting around talking. Make plans for activities (volunteer, a hike, movies, theater, dinner out) and then you can talk about what you did the rest of the time.

Also, try not to let your insecurity about your job make you mad at them. It's ok to just say "things are fine at work!" even if that's not true and just get through this visit. I had a job I was really insecure about for awhile, and it took some practice, but eventually everyone stopped asking me about it and we talk about other things.

[Anonymous]

I agree. It seems like with some families there's never anything to talk about. We don't have children yet (infertility) and holidays are strained with the inlaws. Not much to talk about. I know they're sad to not have grandkids like everyone else. We talk a lot about food, recipes and renovating our house.

At my family's house, the conversation just doesn't stop. Lots of interesting things about travels, relatives, decorating, shopping.

I like my inlaws too, so I'm not hating on them. It just feels like some family are more focused on their children and raising them (like my inlaws) that when everyone is grown there's nothing to talk about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm in my mid 30s and single/no kids, so "going home" now is just as it was 10 yrs ago. Thing is 5-10 yrs ago I COULD NOT WAIT to get home for Thanksgiving, long weekends etc. We just aren't a fun, exciting family that does stuff (I want to be, but we're not) -- but just sit around and talking was fun. My parents were still working, I was new to the working world, I was happy to share my tales re friends, life in the city etc. Just being together -- meals, sitting around, trips to the mall etc. were comforting.

But now -- my parents are retired (for 5+ yrs), I'm not particularly happy in life or work, and visiting just isn't fun or comforting anymore. Talking consists of - them telling me the same gossip over and over re relatives - always judgmental, never good; or health related things; or religious preaching (which only started after they stopped working). My dad was very career oriented and is VERY involved in my sister's career - as in she calls home nightly and talks to him about work. I used to have a good career for 7-8 yrs, but it's just not my MO to talk about work outside of work; and then I lost that job, was unemployed for 18 months, and picked up a new job that I really dislike and am freaking out about whether I'll be stuck there for life. They know this and STILL it's questions about work -- as they believe it's SOO interesting and prestigious (it isn't); and if I say "i hate it" or "i don't want to talk about it" they get offended.

How do I navigate the holidays? I would love to recapture that feeling of comfort, but I know that's unlikely; so how do I get thru the holidays without feeling like I have to be totally fake and putting on a show?

My dad died recently after a long battle with cancer. He had to give up his work, his hobbies, lost 100 pounds....He also didn't like to talk about cancer.
I would literally make up things to talk about as if I were preparing a lesson plan because it was kindest to let him feel like a dad and not a patient.

I would ask him advice about cars to buy, interest rates, what was the best dog he ever had, the farthest place he ever traveled for business...I even solicited ideas from some of his friends when he was sick so I could have stories to talk to him about from their memories so he'd remember he was a person, not a disease.

I was recently talking to a little kid the same way (So what do you for snacks at school? WHat crackers do you like best?) and I realized I had seen my dad to this a million times, so everyone felt like they were important in his presence.

You may need to dig deeper and see what hobbies they have taken up since they retired. Any trips coming up? Any cliques in the community? How do you get "in" and what behavior gets people left out?

Worst case: play Monopoly.

You and your Dad sound awesome. I'm sorry for your loss.

[Anonymous]

Board games. There are some good adult board games that generate lots to talk about.

[Anonymous]

Be a good listener. Ask them questions about their lives, friends, health (this could take days alone). Run out of stuff? Ask them about your childhood, old family friends, old pets, the house you grew up in. Then ask about their childhoods, or what they knew about their grandparents, etc.

[Anonymous]

Can you ask them things about themselves? Mine are gone and I'm often reminded that there's so much I didn't know.

One recent one, I realized that I didn't know whether my parents liked school (thinking middle and high school) and I don't know whether they were a particular type in school - jock, nerd, whatever you said back then.

[Anonymous]

Cocaine.
Will make the whole evening a blur

[Anonymous]

Maybe offer to organize or just look at old photos. Lots of conversation starters there, especially if your parents have photos of past generations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm in my mid 30s and single/no kids, so "going home" now is just as it was 10 yrs ago. Thing is 5-10 yrs ago I COULD NOT WAIT to get home for Thanksgiving, long weekends etc. We just aren't a fun, exciting family that does stuff (I want to be, but we're not) -- but just sit around and talking was fun. My parents were still working, I was new to the working world, I was happy to share my tales re friends, life in the city etc. Just being together -- meals, sitting around, trips to the mall etc. were comforting.

But now -- my parents are retired (for 5+ yrs), I'm not particularly happy in life or work, and visiting just isn't fun or comforting anymore. Talking consists of - them telling me the same gossip over and over re relatives - always judgmental, never good; or health related things; or religious preaching (which only started after they stopped working). My dad was very career oriented and is VERY involved in my sister's career - as in she calls home nightly and talks to him about work. I used to have a good career for 7-8 yrs, but it's just not my MO to talk about work outside of work; and then I lost that job, was unemployed for 18 months, and picked up a new job that I really dislike and am freaking out about whether I'll be stuck there for life. They know this and STILL it's questions about work -- as they believe it's SOO interesting and prestigious (it isn't); and if I say "i hate it" or "i don't want to talk about it" they get offended.

How do I navigate the holidays? I would love to recapture that feeling of comfort, but I know that's unlikely; so how do I get thru the holidays without feeling like I have to be totally fake and putting on a show?

My dad died recently after a long battle with cancer. He had to give up his work, his hobbies, lost 100 pounds....He also didn't like to talk about cancer.
I would literally make up things to talk about as if I were preparing a lesson plan because it was kindest to let him feel like a dad and not a patient.

I would ask him advice about cars to buy, interest rates, what was the best dog he ever had, the farthest place he ever traveled for business...I even solicited ideas from some of his friends when he was sick so I could have stories to talk to him about from their memories so he'd remember he was a person, not a disease.

I was recently talking to a little kid the same way (So what do you for snacks at school? WHat crackers do you like best?) and I realized I had seen my dad to this a million times, so everyone felt like they were important in his presence.

You may need to dig deeper and see what hobbies they have taken up since they retired. Any trips coming up? Any cliques in the community? How do you get "in" and what behavior gets people left out?

Worst case: play Monopoly.

You're such a good person, PP. Will try to do that myself.

Otherwise I'll have to listen to the usual litany:
"Today I woke up at 6:10am, a little later than usual, usually it's 6 sharp, then we ate X for breakfast, and your Dad ate way too much, he had a second slice of toast, just think!, I told him he was going to be obese, and then we went for a walk, not a long walk, just a short one, because it was drizzling, and for a while we weren't quite sure we wanted to go out, but then I thought I would buy something at the pharmacy, so we went there, and for goodness sake there are so many blacks and arabs about now it makes you afraid to step outside your front door, but actually not any of them did anything weird, but you just never know...."

Every. racist. judgemental. detail. of. her. day.

[Anonymous]

I'm in my 40s. My parents are in the late 70s.

Aside from talking about the kids, some of my favorite topics of conversation are politics and religion! It's actually easier as they've gotten older.

My mom is a serious movie buff. She likes to tell me about the movies she's seen.

My father is a golfer. I try to stay on top of what's happening in that world so we can talk about it.