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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I'm in my mid 30s and single/no kids, so "going home" now is just as it was 10 yrs ago. Thing is 5-10 yrs ago I COULD NOT WAIT to get home for Thanksgiving, long weekends etc. We just aren't a fun, exciting family that does stuff (I want to be, but we're not) -- but just sit around and talking was fun. My parents were still working, I was new to the working world, I was happy to share my tales re friends, life in the city etc. Just being together -- meals, sitting around, trips to the mall etc. were comforting.

But now -- my parents are retired (for 5+ yrs), I'm not particularly happy in life or work, and visiting just isn't fun or comforting anymore. Talking consists of - them telling me the same gossip over and over re relatives - always judgmental, never good; or health related things; or religious preaching (which only started after they stopped working). My dad was very career oriented and is VERY involved in my sister's career - as in she calls home nightly and talks to him about work. I used to have a good career for 7-8 yrs, but it's just not my MO to talk about work outside of work; and then I lost that job, was unemployed for 18 months, and picked up a new job that I really dislike and am freaking out about whether I'll be stuck there for life. They know this and STILL it's questions about work -- as they believe it's SOO interesting and prestigious (it isn't); and if I say "i hate it" or "i don't want to talk about it" they get offended.

How do I navigate the holidays? I would love to recapture that feeling of comfort, but I know that's unlikely; so how do I get thru the holidays without feeling like I have to be totally fake and putting on a show?[/quote]

My dad died recently after a long battle with cancer. He had to give up his work, his hobbies, lost 100 pounds....He also didn't like to talk about cancer.
I would literally make up things to talk about as if I were preparing a lesson plan because it was kindest to let him feel like a dad and not a patient.

I would ask him advice about cars to buy, interest rates, what was the best dog he ever had, the farthest place he ever traveled for business...I even solicited ideas from some of his friends when he was sick so I could have stories to talk to him about from their memories so he'd remember he was a person, not a disease.

I was recently talking to a little kid the same way (So what do you for snacks at school? WHat crackers do you like best?) and I realized I had seen my dad to this a million times, so everyone felt like they were important in his presence.

You may need to dig deeper and see what hobbies they have taken up since they retired. Any trips coming up? Any cliques in the community? How do you get "in" and what behavior gets people left out?

Worst case: play Monopoly.

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You're such a good person, PP. Will try to do that myself.

Otherwise I'll have to listen to the usual litany:
"Today I woke up at 6:10am, a little later than usual, usually it's 6 sharp, then we ate X for breakfast, and your Dad ate way too much, he had a second slice of toast, just think!, I told him he was going to be obese, and then we went for a walk, not a long walk, just a short one, because it was drizzling, and for a while we weren't quite sure we wanted to go out, but then I thought I would buy something at the pharmacy, so we went there, and for goodness sake there are so many blacks and arabs about now it makes you afraid to step outside your front door, but actually not any of them did anything weird, but you just never know...."

Every.   racist.   judgemental.   detail.   of.   her.   day.

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