Doctor's appointment nightmare

[Anonymous]

OK, so my DD just turned 4, and we went in for her routine yearly checkup today. She has a moderate expressive speech delay, so situations like this where she can't always express herself to the extent she needs to stress her out.

But I mean today it was like the perfect storm of everything going wrong and we didn't even get shots today! She was already resisting going inside when she saw where we were headed, but then we went in, saw the nurse, and got some of her measurements, but she was totally PO'ed the she had to take her shoes off to get weighed. Then they couldn't get her damn blood pressure because she wouldn't hold her arm stone-still. She was crying. So we went in to the see the doctor, and I could see her getting just really, really anxious and worried and upset. She was blinking back tears, but trying to sit calmly and be good, but I could tell she was worried. Then the doctor came in and started peppering her with questions, not really getting that yes, she's still in speech therapy and not really able to answer some of these types of questions yet. I could just see my DD getting that "deer-in-headlights" look. She began ignoring the doctor, was afraid to make eye contact, basically she just got really quiet and withdrawn, but I could tell she was listening to everything we were saying. But she really lost it when I had to get her undressed and she had to lay down and get examined. Her chin was trembling and she was screaming and crying – I could tell she was really scared.

Normally I like our pediatrician (I have two older children as well), but today she ended up making some comment about how she would be worried about autism unless she knew we had already had her evaluated for that (negative, BTW), and that she tends to be anxious (all three of my kids do)! I don't know if that was her attempt at a joke or what, but it really pissed me off, given that my daughter has come a long way with speech.

I know that some kids with speech delays can look autistic to people who don't know them well (she is very healthy, so only sees the doctor once a year), but DD acts nothing like what she acted like at the doctor's today at home or at preschool. The best part was when the doctor expressed concern given that, "Most kids love coming to the doctor at 4 years old." Um, seriously? Because I've never met one.

What do you guys think?

[Anonymous]

I don't know too many kids at age 4 who loved strangers and doctor's offices. They remember it's the place where they get shots, and no kid likes being prodded. And 4 year olds are allowed to have an "off" day, especially speech delayed - harder to express her emotions about what she's feeling, hence anxiety. Hang in there, mama....

[Anonymous]

Four is a tuff age. My son would freak out at doctors, dentists, hair cuts and more. Most people don't get speech delays and don't get lay off the rapid questions. I'd find another doctor.

[Anonymous]

Some kids are fine and some are not. Sorry it was such a bad day. I always intervene when I see mine getting overwhelmed. Maybe in the future you can hear this off. Oh and I don't think doctors remember kids well enough to realize the progress so you have to tell them.

[Anonymous]

Thanks so much, you guys. That – and the glass of wine – is helping.

Funny you should mention the haircut thing – my DS used to be so terrified of scissors or buzz-cutters coming near his ears when he was little that I finally resorted to just cutting his hair myself. Got really good at it actually. Now he's 9 and could care less if I was going after his hair with hedge trimmers.

I guess the good news is that they all grow out of the quirks of 2's, 3's and 4's (thank goodness!).

[Anonymous]

I had nearly the same experience with my 3yo DD at the doctor last week, but she doesn't have a speech delay. She froze up around the doctor and wouldn't answer any questions. She also wouldn't let the nurse get her blood pressure, etc. As you said about your DD, she has never acted like that at home or at preschool. A couple differences, though. My DD did get a shot (flu) and didn't have get undressed or lie down (thank goodness, because I can't imagine trying to get her to do that in the state she was in). I'm hoping it's a phase, and things will go better the next time we have to go to the doctor, which I hope won't be any time soon!

[Anonymous]

But she really lost it when I had to get her undressed and she had to lay down and get examined. Her chin was trembling and she was screaming and crying – I could tell she was really scared.

I suggest you never force your daughter to go through this again, OP. This sounds traumatizing for a child who is already highly anxious. Are you doing anything to address this fear/her anxiety in general? Therapy? CBT? This is not healthy for your daughter - it is your responsibility to help her learn how to deal with this fear. Forcing her when she's already scared and uncomfortable is not okay.

[Anonymous]

Your doctor sounds like an ass.

[Anonymous]

A child who has a meltdown is autistic? I wonder how this guy relates to kids who actually are autistic? Disdain and abuse?

[Anonymous]

I have a special needs child and she really does genuinely enjoy seeing our pediatrician -- because the pediatrician is not judgmental like this. I can't imagine a reputable pediatrician making a comment that she would e afraid or suspect autism in these circumstances. It just boggles my mind. What the fuck?

[Anonymous]

OP here. I know, right? I mean, I was all set to go in today and talk about how great DD was doing. We rarely ever see a tantrum at home or even when things go wrong out and about – huge lines at the grocery store, what have you. She's generally pretty easygoing unless something really sets off alarm bells to her. Even then, she is often able to self-regulate, usually when she sees the threat is temporary (the shot is over, time to go home).

Actually the doctor is a she and has three kids of her own, including one with ADD and one with anxiety. You'd think she wouldn't be quite so judgmental. I actually tried to intervene several times – told the nurse to bail on the blood pressure thing, told the doctor several updates about her speech delay and what her teachers thought. I also tried suggesting, when DD was obviously quite distraught, that perhaps she could do the exam with her clothes on. Doctor said no, and then told me I needed to be firm with DD about what happens when we come to the doctor. Sooooo....not really feeling it with the doctor today. I can see her point of view, but as you say, my DD gets anxious and a little bit of understanding would have gone a long way.

Given that my other two could also be anxious, I considered CBT for her, but because of the speech delay, I feel she would need to be a little more articulate to be able to have it have an effect. The doctor said not much could be done for anxiety at such a young age – she sees it a lot with potty training, for example, and said mostly you just wait it out. We do a lot of role-playing at home for things that might be coming up that are scary, but I'm open to suggestions.

[Anonymous]

Change doctors. None of this annual appointment stuff is worth your daughter getting turned off bY doctors anyway. Except for shots, it's Usually useless.

[Anonymous]

The doctor is just plain wrong, in both her approach and her advice. That's sad.

[Anonymous]

Mom with SN child again -- my daughter is examined on my lap, or wherever she is comfortable, and minimal clothing is removed. Your doctor is acting as if anxiety is misconduct. And that's totally wrong.

[Anonymous]

If this is your regular doctor, would she not already have a record of the delays and diagnosis so far and then set her expectations of the child accordingly? Any tests and visits we do with specialists is always reported back to the ped by those doctors.