Dangerously Distracted Inlaws
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Anonymous
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We are visiting the in-laws for the holidays. I love them, but they're really terrible grandparents. I feel like their heart is in the right place, but I no longer will leave them with the grandparents unless my husband or I is present. The last time we visited them, my eldest was a baby. My MIL gave him multiple choking hazards to play with (like AAA batteries!), tried to feed him some peanut butter (just to make sure he was really allergic- thankfully I was in the room finishing some work and could remove the peanut butter M&M out of his mouth. The only time I left him alone in her care I found my son at the top of the steep staircase when we came home. She claimed that she 'got distracted' and ran upstairs to finish a phone call. My FIL is just as bad in a different way. My kids barely know them because they rarely visit us, never call us, and expect us to do all the legwork to keep in touch. My FIL expects my children to jump into his arms when they see him, behave impeccably, wake up at 10am, nap for 3 hours, and go to sleep at 4pm. I know it sounds like my inlaws don't want a relationship, but they claim they do. They insisted we visit them this Christmas, so we are sacrificing our only family vacation of the year to see them.
The big issue I'm having is with my husband. My inlaws have told him several times that they want to spend one on one time with the kids to "give us a break", but I am seriously against that. The last time we saw them (they visited us as they had a business trip in the area), they wanted to go to the Smithsonian for two hours. In that span of time, they fed my 1 year old daughter a dog biscuit (for real) because 'it was the only thing I had in my purse, and I figured what the heck?" (I had given them a bag of snacks, lunches, diapers, and spare clothes that they never opened and likely left in the car), lost my son in a museum (!!!), and "forgot" to feed the kids. They were also angry when my son had an accident. Later my son told me he had told them many times that he needed to use the bathroom, but was told that he could "later". They never changed my daughter's poopy diaper either. They rolled in 4 hours after we had agreed they would come back, without having answered any of my husband's anxious phone calls. "sorry we were late - we lost your son! Oh and he's wet because he peed all over his booster seat. They're really cranky! We're going back to the hotel because this was exhausting. Bye!" I think that for whatever reason they just aren't used to kids. They weren't very good parents either, according to my husband and his siblings. However, they keep trying to spend time alone with my kids. The last time they were here, when they lost my son and fed my daughter dog biscuits, we agreed that they were far to irresponsible to watch the kids. But since then some time has passed, and my husband has convinced himself that the parents are trustworthy again. It is true that they will no longer try giving my son peanut butter, but otherwise nothing else has changed. They're still the same hippy-dippy morons who think that dog food = people food and babies should be "Free to roam". My son is too timid to help them, and my daughter is a handful. Any ideas on how I could gently tell my husband that we are not letting my in-laws near the kids without one of us present? I don't want to sound nasty or insult them, but they are not qualified to care for the children at all. Sorry for the novel! |
Anonymous
| My mom is the same way. I am always with the kids when she's around. It's sad, but I just can't trust her with them. It's my kids' safety. Hopefully your DH will agree with you. |
Anonymous
Thanks for letting me know I am not alone. If DH doesn't agree with me, I'll just have to put my foot down and bring up the peanut butter fiasco, among other things. Depressing. OP |
Anonymous
| Just be honest and straightforward with your husband. |
Anonymous
| Yikes. Maybe you can just remind your husband of their previous caretaking problems and say you can reconsider when your youngest is x years old (old enough to ask for food and to have outgrown issues like running into traffic and falling down stairs). |
Anonymous
Yes. Tell him you can take them up on this when the kids are a little older. When you visit, if they ask if you'd like to go out with DH, just smile and say "Thank you, but were just happy to visit with you guys as a family this time around." |
Anonymous
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So sorry, OP. It's a hard situation. My dad is kind of like this too and it's really hard for me-- hearing loss, bad judgment, denies that anything about safety has changed since 1983, will not listen to pediatrician or CDC information, and shows no respect for the fact that we're the parents, not him.
You just have to draw a hard line and stick to it. Give up on the idea of doing it "gently"-- there is really no gentle or non-insulting way to say that his parents are unfit to care for children. Focus on doing it calmly. Repeat over and over again "No. I will not leave the children alone with them." No, no, no like a broken record, until he catches on. |
Anonymous
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I would just be gentle but clear that, as much as you love them, you do not trust these people to take care of your children. Given their track record, this should not be up for debate. Tell your husband you don't want to insult his parents, so it would be best if the two of you agreed on an approach.
And when they offer to watch the kids, just politely decline. And then don't leave. Don't leave your kids alone with them. If they go to the park, go with them. If they want to take the kids to a museum, go with them. |
Anonymous
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How old are you kids?
I think it'd be better to just not make it a big announcement. Just don't let it happen. Insist on going on all outings with them. "Oh they have that new exhibit I've been DYING to see, I must come along". If they mention taking the kids on their own just don't ever agree. Make lots of plans that everyone does together. If they suggest something to do alone you can also just say "that doesn't work for our kids, how about we all get ready to go to the park?" and keep the conversation moving along. And just say to your DH that you are willing to see if they've changed when then arrive, but that you are not promising anything. He doesn't get to decide this without you. I am betting within a few hours of arrival, they will have done something your DH will flag as ridiculous. |
Anonymous
I agree. Just say they're too young. And if your husband mentions his parents' feelings being hurt, remind him of how stressed and embarrassed your son must have been to have had an accident (along with all the other incidents). |
Anonymous
| Lol at the dog bone! Omg! And no shame in telling you about it either! Wtf?! |
Anonymous
I think this is the best approach, too. |
Anonymous
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Wow thank you for the great advice and warm comments. I feel bad for my in laws because they do love my kids, but I can't risk their safety. I agree that they will likely do something terrible almost immediately and this is a great way to show him the kids are too young to be around them right now.
Op |
Anonymous
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That's really awful, OP. I would have no qualms in being direct with everybody, husband and in-laws, about my rules. And they would be exactly that. Not requests, but rules: no grandparent alone with child. Period. |
Anonymous
| This a a tough situation and I have nothing to hide other than I laughed out loud about the dog biscuit. I'd be pretty unhappy for sure, but it dig make me laugh. |