Dangerously Distracted Inlaws

[Anonymous]

Re: your DH problem (thinking his parents have changed), I'd ask him why he things htey have changed and what behavior they have demonstrated when you are around that leads him to belive they won't leave your child at the top of the stairs to finish a phone call, feed them dog food, feed them food they are allergic to, take them to the bathroom when they ask to be taken, or not loose them in a museum. Honestly. This list is overwhelming and terrifying!

Re: your in-laws trying to spend time with your kids alone, I agree with the PP who suggested saying "we'd like to spend time with you as a family, we see you so rarely." I am WOHM so another respone I have used is "I see the kids so little during the weeks I hate to leave them any more than absolutely necessary." Its actually true as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Honey, if a babysitter did what your parents did, we'd fire them, instantly. I want your parents to spend time with the kids, but they can't babysit. Let's not set your parents up to fail by leaving them alone, even for five minutes, with the kids."

Also: You're with them for Thanskgiving and Christmas? And giving up your family vacation? Nope. Nope, nope, nope, never agree to this again.

Both of these are good points. You want the grandparents to spend time with their grandkids. You just can't let them babysit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom is the same way. I am always with the kids when she's around. It's sad, but I just can't trust her with them. It's my kids' safety. Hopefully your DH will agree with you.

Thanks for letting me know I am not alone. If DH doesn't agree with me, I'll just have to put my foot down and bring up the peanut butter fiasco, among other things. Depressing.

OP

I don't think the peanut butter is that big of a deal, but batteries? Leaving her at the top of the stairs? Both neglectful.

The child is allergic to PB!!!!

[Anonymous]

My step-father is like this. Usually Mom's around, but I would never leave either of my kids with him. Too much opportunity for a serious accident.

Example, my step-sister went out for a run and left her 5-YO son with him. After about 20 minutes, kid starts wondering where Mom went. Step-Dad says (distractedly) 'I don't know, why don't you look for her?' So he goes outside and wanders around. When Step-sister returns from run, she asks - where's my son? He's like - 'uuuuuhhhh, I think he's outside?' WTF? They live right on the only road in & out of their neighborhood. Kid was found about 30 minutes later. Had climbed into a neighbor's boat and didn't hear anyone calling his name. ARGH!!

Bottom line, you can't trust them with your kids at this age. Maybe when they're older, like 9+ Don't let your guard down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Honey, if a babysitter did what your parents did, we'd fire them, instantly. I want your parents to spend time with the kids, but they can't babysit. Let's not set your parents up to fail by leaving them alone, even for five minutes, with the kids."

Also: You're with them for Thanskgiving and Christmas? And giving up your family vacation? Nope. Nope, nope, nope, never agree to this again.

I like this phrasing. Make it about not letting them do something to ruin the relationship. I also agree with posters about just not letting it happen rather than making a grand announcement ahead of time to ILs. You should be on same page with husband before trip though; no "let's see how they do" because that is a recipe for DH getting pressured into something while you are out of the room.

[Anonymous]

They gave a peanut allergic child peanut butter? What would they have done if she had reacted? Ignored the anaphylactic shock as a tantrum? Would you trust them to use the Epi-pen? To call 911?

[Anonymous]

I would just let them visit with the kids in the house. Any trips would be with me included.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom is the same way. I am always with the kids when she's around. It's sad, but I just can't trust her with them. It's my kids' safety. Hopefully your DH will agree with you.

Thanks for letting me know I am not alone. If DH doesn't agree with me, I'll just have to put my foot down and bring up the peanut butter fiasco, among other things. Depressing.

OP

I don't think the peanut butter is that big of a deal, but batteries? Leaving her at the top of the stairs? Both neglectful.

OP said the MIL gave the kid PB "just to make sure she was really allergic." Giving a child you know has a peanut allergy something with peanuts in it is definitely a big deal.

It was a huge deal to us and we almost left the house. This was after the battery and stairs incident and was the final straw. I have a lot of patience with my inlaws but that was dangerous and disrespectful. To their credit they did apologize and have never doubted us again.

Op

I'm frankly surprised you're visiting them at their house, with the allergy issue.

I wouldn't go back there until your child was old enough to be trusted not to eat anything that doesn't come from you.

This is why I've agreed to go back- my son is old enough to not trust my inlaws or eat anything that I haven't given him directly. Plus my husband raked his parents over the coals for the peanut butter incident. So they KNOW. But I don't trust them at all still, and the kids will be supervised at all times by me.

[Anonymous]

Omg. All of those incidents are deal breakers- they can't be trusted to care for kids. If it were me, the first incident would have been the last. Let the kids spend time with them but under you and your husbands watchful eye.

[Anonymous]

There are plenty of milestones that will make this an easy no.
1) Out of diapers
2) Not in car seats (only boosters)
3) Not needing naps anymore
4) Until they have their own cell phones....


Lots of off ramps.
They broke your trust.
Just say no.

[Anonymous]

Had similar issue with MIL. I was doubtful she could handle DS because she always seemed so easily distracted. But she and FIL wanted to help. So we put the baby to sleep one night and then went to a movie and let the IL's watch him. They 'helped" us by letting us have a date night and we knew it was a good chance DS wouldn't wake up while we were gone so low risk. We also slept over at their house so they had more time with DS. One thing to note though - 3 years later MIL diagnosed with Alzheimer's. We were seeing early signs of it but we had no clue.

[Anonymous]

You sound pretty disrespectful, OP.

[Anonymous]

That's terrible, don't let them watch your kids seriously - your instincts are right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You sound pretty disrespectful, OP.

WHAT?? Are you crazy? Her MIL could have sent her child to the hospital or worse multiple times and OP is the disrespectful one? Are you kidding me?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound pretty disrespectful, OP.

WHAT?? Are you crazy? Her MIL could have sent her child to the hospital or worse multiple times and OP is the disrespectful one? Are you kidding me?

Probably the MIL trolling around.