Young teenage girls' clothese kinda inappropriate... what to do?

[Anonymous]

Okay, folks, advice please! My fiance is a widower with a 14-year-old daughter. She's a great kid, smart and funny, a high-achiever, and nice to boot.

Here's the problem my fiance is struggling with: his daughter often wears clothes that are, well, very provocative. Tight short shorts, bra-less, strapless tops showing a whole lot of cleavage, etc. (She hit puberty early, and is still a good deal more developed than most of her friends). My fiance is distressed by this: both on general principle (she seems too young to wear such clothes-- and they'd be a little much even on a 20-year-old), and for safety/reputation reasons. She's naive in some ways and probably does not completely understand how her clothes may be "read" by classmates, teachers, strangers on the street, etc. But he wonders: how on earth does he raise this very delicate subject with her? He doesn't want to offend her, seem like he's in the Taliban, or, even worse, make her feel self-conscious and ashamed of her body. But he feels like it would be wrong not to address it somehow.

I tend to agree, but as a relative newcomer and future stepmother, I feel like I should probably stay a mile away from this.
Her mother is not on the scene at all-- has not been for years-- and she's gotten used to just shopping with friends or older cousins and bringing home and wearing whatever she feels like. So for her this will be kind of out of the blue-- no one's ever made an issue of this.

Advice?

[Anonymous]

that should be clothes with no e at the end.... sorry!

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry because I know this isn't what you're after, but is her mother "not on the scene at all" or is she dead? You said he's a widower!

I think it's his responsibility to say, "These clothes are not appropriate. You're not allowed to wear strapless; you're not allowed to wear short skirts; you're not allowed to wear tight shirts," etc., or whatever rules you all deem fit. He can do all that without saying, "These clothes make you look like a slut." I commend you both for not wanting to make her feel self-conscious and it definitely shouldn't be about HER body, but about how that is inappropriate for her age in general or something along those lines. I wouldn't worry about offending her. Better for her to be offended and think dad's a mean prude than for dad to ignore inappropriate attire, especially at such a young and sensitive age.

[Anonymous]

OP here, sorry, my brain is mush, and by the time I got to the end of the message I had forgotten I'd already said widower. Correct, her mother is not on the scene, reason being, in this case, that she died years ago. Though as you say, not really important except insofar as the option of getting Mom to say something unfortunately does not exist here.

[Anonymous]

It seems fair that you don't want to get too involved too much at this stage, but he definitely could/should. Good parents aren't their kids' friends (at this stage anyway) and need to guide their kids (rather than worry about offending them--teens take offense at anything!).

Another thought--is there an aunt/mother figure/female family friend who might be able to help out here by taking her out shopping and gently offering suggestions? Or possibly you could take her out and spend a little money on her? It's hard to imagine a teen would refuse free clothes as long as the seem somewhat cool to her, and that way you could help her build an appropriate but teen-friendly wardrobe.

[Anonymous]

...she's gotten used to just shopping with friends or older cousins and bringing home and wearing whatever she feels like.

Who is paying? Can he tell her she needs to return inappropriate items because he will not pay for them?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

...she's gotten used to just shopping with friends or older cousins and bringing home and wearing whatever she feels like.

Who is paying? Can he tell her she needs to return inappropriate items because he will not pay for them?

OP a troll? Braless ? Maybe not a troll but why post here and not say something to the fiance directly? Go through the kids closet and then take her shopping. Throw out the junk. Just do it. It's called mentoring or parenting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Okay, folks, advice please! My fiance is a widower with a 14-year-old daughter. She's a great kid, smart and funny, a high-achiever, and nice to boot.

Here's the problem my fiance is struggling with: his daughter often wears clothes that are, well, very provocative. Tight short shorts, bra-less, strapless tops showing a whole lot of cleavage, etc. (She hit puberty early, and is still a good deal more developed than most of her friends). My fiance is distressed by this: both on general principle (she seems too young to wear such clothes-- and they'd be a little much even on a 20-year-old), and for safety/reputation reasons. She's naive in some ways and probably does not completely understand how her clothes may be "read" by classmates, teachers, strangers on the street, etc. But he wonders: how on earth does he raise this very delicate subject with her? He doesn't want to offend her, seem like he's in the Taliban, or, even worse, make her feel self-conscious and ashamed of her body. But he feels like it would be wrong not to address it somehow.

I tend to agree, but as a relative newcomer and future stepmother, I feel like I should probably stay a mile away from this.
Her mother is not on the scene at all-- has not been for years-- and she's gotten used to just shopping with friends or older cousins and bringing home and wearing whatever she feels like. So for her this will be kind of out of the blue-- no one's ever made an issue of this.

Advice?

Don't marry this guy until the his kid is out of the house. "He doesn't want to offend her" is a pattern of doing nothing; don't reproduce with this spineless wuss.

[Anonymous]

while PPs point of not wanting to offend his daughter is somewhat valid there is a nicer way of saying it. if her clothes are that inappropriate then he needs to step up and be a parent and figure out a way to let her know and risk offending her.
i think that this could be an opportunity to teach the girl about how to dress her body in a flattering way. i agree that at this time you should probably not be involved unless she wants you to be.
my quick thought would be that maybe he can take her to a nicer store where they can get some help from a good salesperson who can help her learn how to dress her body. IMO that way its more about building her self-esteem and maybe getting some nice clothes together that both are comfortable with but its easier if he's involved in the actual shopping.

[Anonymous]

I think y'all are being too hard on the father and OP. He is a widower and parenting a young teenage daughter is probably complicated by the fact that they have suffered a loss. And shopping and clothes - well - these are traditionally mother-daugther activities. So I can imagine how this may be a more sensitive topic for them than others. It's probably not as simple as saying, "I'm the parent and you aren't allowed to wear x and y."

I agree with one of the posters who suggested using a more sensitive approach. Instead of having the older cousins take her shopping, I suggest having the father or the OP do this - and make it a fun day of it.

[Anonymous]

My thoughts:
1. Dad's got to enforce dress standards, his job as a parent is to protect his daughter from her poor judgment. It's simple.
2. If he finds discussing her public appearance "delicate," how is he handling genuinely delicate adolescent issues, like safe sex, birth control, seeing a gynecologist.
3. How's the communication between the two of them about you? Whether it involves divorce or the death of a parent, it's typical for children to have complicated feelings when a parent re-partners. My son acted out big-time when his dad became serious with someone.

[Anonymous]

continued ....

3. ... (con'td) You seem really smart and empathetic and intuitive ... yes, stay a mile away on the dress code and other big parenting matters, while encouraging more dialogue between the two of them.

Good luck. Dad and daughter seem lucky to have you in their lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

...she's gotten used to just shopping with friends or older cousins and bringing home and wearing whatever she feels like.

Who is paying? Can he tell her she needs to return inappropriate items because he will not pay for them?

OP a troll? Braless ? Maybe not a troll but why post here and not say something to the fiance directly? Go through the kids closet and then take her shopping. Throw out the junk. Just do it. It's called mentoring or parenting.

OP here. Not a troll-- if you mean me? I have said something to him directly-- he actually raised the issue with me, saying he was struggling with it, and I said yes, you really should address this-- it does seem like an issue.

But yes, as a PP said, this is complicated: tradiitonal mother-daughter territory. I think if he had addressed this long ago-- accompanied her shopping, etc-- this issue might never have arisen. But I think he was too overwhelmed with grief and the difficulties of being a single day and just thought he could delegate this to nannies, etc. Then she hit puberty and by the time he sort of wrapped his mind around this as an issue, it was really hard to bring it up when he had never done so before. This is not to excuse him- I think he definitely should have addressed this long ago. But he didn't, and I can't judge him too harshly, given the circumstances. I think these are tough issues for men to discuss with daughters regardless, and with bereavement on top of that, well....

And no, as a soon-to-be-step, I do not think going through her closet and tossing her stuff is a good idea! Seems to be that would not be a way to get a new step relationship off on the right footing ("Not only are you marrying my dad and trying to replace my beloved mother but you THREW OUT MY CLOTHES?" Uh uh, no way.)

thanks to those of you who offered thoughtful advice!

[Anonymous]

OP, don't know what your finances are, but could you contact the personal shopping service at Nordstroms and have dad take her for a shopping trip for some outfits. If you spoke to the personal shopper ahead of time, they might be able to give some support.

[Anonymous]

Shopping might be a traditional mother-daughter activity but dads are constantly weighing in on how their adolescent daughters dress! OP, I would try and get your fiance to have a sit-down talk with his daughter, tell him that he's been thinking about some of her outfits and how they're not always ideal and that he's got a few parameters for future purchases etc. and also what's acceptable as far as dressing in general. He is letting his daughter go out in public dressed inappropriately and no doubt her teachers and her friends' parents are noticing and their thoughts on the matter are probably not complimentary. She could also be setting herself up for precocious sexual behavior. Even if dad can afford a personal shopper, how is he going to handle all the inappropriate outfits she's got in the closet? Disciplining is the hardest part of being a parent. It's not fun. But it's got to be done. Good luck with this!