In Laws coming soon and I'm

[Anonymous]

Stressed. They've never really warmed to me and after all these years of marriage I'm just over it. They insist on staying with us and will arrive in a few days. I'm so stressed I can't focus at work let alone enjoy the upcoming thanksgiving. I need some strategies to get through this visit. Can anyone provide some tips? Our relationship won't improve, I've tried. I just want to get through these people staying at my house for thanksgiving. Thanks for whatever help you can give me.

[Anonymous]

What are some of your specific problems and concerns? We can't help you with strategies/sympathy unless we know what's going on.

In any case, a few general thoughts:
1) Send them out of the house/you get out of the house yourself as much as you can
2) Have some things they can "help" with at the ready so that they don't bug you with the stuff you definitely don't want help with
3) Set everything out/get everything ready you can so they don't need to ask for things or bother you--have the coffee pre-set to be made by whatever time they get up, set out cereal/bowls/muffins the night before. Have sheets on the beds, towels in their room, WiFi password printed out for them. Have some newspapers and magazines around
4) If they ask for something unreasonable, either say no or have your spouse attend to them
5) If they say something that offends or irks you, just blandly smile and steer the conversation elsewhere

[Anonymous]

Day by day and get everyone out of the house as much as possible. I set a countdown in my head with the goal of getting to the day before I am leaving or they are leaving. By then, I start to feel increasingly free.

[Anonymous]

oP I could have written your post, I feel exactly the same way. I'm even thinking of finding a Xanax or something from someone to help. I don't think drinking the whole time they are here is going to help. It's only the "most wonderful time of the year" if your in laws like you. If they are snobby jerks who openly tell you t hat they don't respect your husband's career (he's in finance for Christ sake, but its corporate, so it's "bad") and they openly prefer your brother in law (because he's a teacher, like they were) it makes it hard to roll out the red carpet. Sure, they will eat our food and stay in our house for days (the teachers don't ever host) but they feel free to openly judge our choices the whole time they are here. Will you be my texting buddy who reminds me that I am a fun, like able person, who is a good mom and deeply loved her husband, every time I get a snide comment about the new car (paid for in cash! That we could 100% afford) we got this year? Or that my children go to "GASP" a highly rated public and not a Waldorf school. Or that I wear lipstick! AND a bra! I can't win. I even invited friends this year to try and diffuse them a little, but I am already dreading the whole weekend. Looks like I'm going on more
Than a few long runs that weekend.

[Anonymous]

I set my bar really really low and it's helped a lot! Expect the absolute worse and don't sweat the small stuff. Be the bigger person, smile and nod. It's just a few days, you can get through it!

[Anonymous]

Try and get yourself out the door each day and do something for you.

Talk a walk

Run to CVS

Go to a coffee shop, bookstore or spa

The last resort is to say you have a stomach bug and you need to stay in bed. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

7:31 is right. Expect very little. Go into zen mode. If they're good grandparents or your child(den) like them, focus on that. Plan on a massage or other reward for yourself after it's over.

You don't say what the issues are exactly. More specifics might let us give you more specific strategies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I set my bar really really low and it's helped a lot! Expect the absolute worse and don't sweat the small stuff. Be the bigger person, smile and nod. It's just a few days, you can get through it!

This is what I do. I start bracing for a rude comment to come and for my MIL to be mean as hell and yell at me/DH/SIL. Then, when she is just mildly rude, it feels like she's being Glinda the Good Witch and I can't believe my good fortune.

I'd couple those low expectations with a healthy dose of "not giving a f*ck". You need to stop caring so much what they think of you. It will help you relax. Ignore all critical comments. If it gets to be too much, find an urgent errand that needs to be run and get out of the house for some air.

And lastly, remember you put up with them because you adore your DH.

[Anonymous]

I don't have to deal with in laws, but I do have a big mixed family to contend with. I keep stress down by letting DH deal with them. In advance, I ask DH specific questions to get him involved. I copy his family members on email so everything is on him. "What would you like me to make for dinner?" "I'm at a meeting. Can you be there to greet them?" "Is there any activity you'd like me to plan for them?" If they're not happy, it falls on him.

[Anonymous]

Op here. They are not good grandparents at all. If they were I could forgive them anything. They are messy and demanding - my kitchen will be a mess as will the living room and dining room. Food and drinks everywhere. Dirty dishes left in every room including upstairs. Lots of manipulating dh about vacationing with them. It goes on and on. My heart is pounding just thinking about it. I actually thought about asking my friend for her Xanax to see if I could calm down. Last year my MIL had a big tantrum right before thanksgiving dinner that infuriated me. My parents, siblings and children had to sit through a dinner we slaved over pretending it never happened. No one can be themselves or feel comfortable. I am exhausted after their visits.

[Anonymous]

You need to play Relative Bingo. It's like airport bingo, or church bingo. That way you get happy and excited each time they do something ridiculous.

Pretend you're on a reality show. Do you want to be seen as the benevolent daughter in law? Of course you do.. So just step aside and let their crazy shine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. They are not good grandparents at all. If they were I could forgive them anything. They are messy and demanding - my kitchen will be a mess as will the living room and dining room. Food and drinks everywhere. Dirty dishes left in every room including upstairs. Lots of manipulating dh about vacationing with them. It goes on and on. My heart is pounding just thinking about it. I actually thought about asking my friend for her Xanax to see if I could calm down. Last year my MIL had a big tantrum right before thanksgiving dinner that infuriated me. My parents, siblings and children had to sit through a dinner we slaved over pretending it never happened. No one can be themselves or feel comfortable. I am exhausted after their visits.

Why not go to your doctor (NOT a neighbor!) and describe this as episodic anxiety, and get a perscription just in case? She will likely give you Klonopin. Just something to have in your back pocket in case you need it, no big deal.

Have you talked to your husband? He can help more with cleaning up after them.

What was MIL's tantrum about?

[Anonymous]

I find wine helps. In a glass at night...in a coffee cup in the morning...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I set my bar really really low and it's helped a lot! Expect the absolute worse and don't sweat the small stuff. Be the bigger person, smile and nod. It's just a few days, you can get through it!

This is what I do. I start bracing for a rude comment to come and for my MIL to be mean as hell and yell at me/DH/SIL. Then, when she is just mildly rude, it feels like she's being Glinda the Good Witch and I can't believe my good fortune.

I'd couple those low expectations with a healthy dose of "not giving a f*ck". You need to stop caring so much what they think of you. It will help you relax. Ignore all critical comments. If it gets to be too much, find an urgent errand that needs to be run and get out of the house for some air.

And lastly, remember you put up with them because you adore your DH.

This exactly! Who cares what they say or think. Don't let them make you feel uncomfortable in your own house. Enjoy the holidays and ignore them!

[Anonymous]

Given your description of them, I don't understand why you're allowing them to stay.
My parents are staying in a hotel for Christmas - their choice, heartily applauded by everybody. They will spend nearly all day with us and shower us with their comments as well, but at least we'll have some free time!