My aunt needs to downsize, anyone succeed in convincing an elder to make the move?

[Anonymous]

She's 78, lives in a large home in a decent area several states away. She worked hard for years, and had a decent nest egg. Then her one son got into legal woes, and she cashed out her 401k to pay the lawyer. Son ended up in jail anyway, and got deported later. My aunt still pays his expenses overseas as he is not self-supporting. Her daughter who lives with her is 58, unemployed for the past 6 years. The daughter gets a small disability payment from SS, but the disability (visual loss) could be fixed with a 30 minute operation which the daughter refuses to get because "God will cure it" if she prays hard enough.
My sister and I normally try to help my aunt with unexpected bills eg, for the plumber, but it's coming to the point where my aunt really can't make even expected bills like property taxes, so she's doing the reverse mortgage thing...
My sister and I have talked to her about downsizing, maybe getting a 2 bedroom condo since my aunt and cousin are both old enough to live in a senior living community, but my aunt is clinging to her home...But I'm getting so I dread the calls when the fridge goes bad, or the AC burns out. I try to remind myself that my cousin/her daughter is mentally ill, and can't act reasonably: get the eye surgery and return to her 55k/year job instead of using her mom's resources. But it's hard to NOT feel irritated at my cousin, or to wonder how she will cope as my Aunt's care-giver as she ages...will she pray instead of administering the asthma meds or diabetes pills my aunt needs? At least in a senior community health aides are on hand to help...
My sister and I are close to our aunt as she was wonderful to my Dad when he was still alive.
WWYD?

[Anonymous]

We had a sort-of similar situation in my family (elderly woman with semi-dependent child who also served as caregiver). Unfortunately, nothing changed until an accident forced the situation.

If I were you, I'd look into specifics as much as possible--what specific place could they move to? What would it cost? It seems like it would be much easier to dismiss moving away from home when the alternative is purely theoretical. But you might be able to convince them with specifics. (Or, at the very least, you'll be informed if/when a move is necessary.)

Best of luck to you!

[Anonymous]

Nightmare.

It's good of you to care about your aunt.

Could you maybe show her some listings?

[Anonymous]

You will need to stop answering the phone for a while. You need to stop rescuing. You also need to join a support group for co-dependancy. Once she realizes that she can't handle being in a big house, she might start to see the wisdom of moving. Meanwhile, have a realtor befriend her and offer to take her on tours of one-level condos in her area.

[Anonymous]

Can you talk with a social worker or agency on aging in her area?

Situations like these often don't change until there is a crisis, so do the research on assisted living places so when a crisis forces a change, you'll have an idea of what options are available.

[Anonymous]

I know someone in a situation. Grey Gardens.

As a PP suggested, stop rescuing. Cousin is using religion as the easy way out. She must be praying to you because it sounds like you are the one making everything better.

They both need a reality check. The only way they will get it is if you step back. So the fridge breaks, AC and heat go out. That's when you call local senior services agency and report a senior who needs access to heat and AC and meals on wheels. Cousin can fend for herself. Let her faith take care of her until she accepts that God answered her already with a big fat "No and get up off your a$$." lot of older people get unbelievably attached to their homes. They want the old 4 bedroom house where they raised their family but can't afford to heat it.

[Anonymous]

*in a similar situation. Mom and daughter are in major denial that the world they live in is a mess of their own making.

[Anonymous]

Start looking around on your own. A senior community is a good idea but may not actually be any cheaper. But either way, do the research so you know what is available.

Unfortunately I agree that your help is helping them stay in the home.

[Anonymous]

Your aunt is not your business. You can say no to paying whatever but deciding where she and her daughter live ? Step back.

[Anonymous]

Downsizing is a ton of work. Even if she wants to she is probably not in a position to find a new place, set up a move and sell her house without a lot of help. Unless you can do this or find someone local to manage it you will not get her to go anywhere.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Downsizing is a ton of work. Even if she wants to she is probably not in a position to find a new place, set up a move and sell her house without a lot of help. Unless you can do this or find someone local to manage it you will not get her to go anywhere.

OP here, this is a point I hadn't considered. My sister went down and drove them to about 4 places within 5 miles of the home where my aunt's SS/remaining home equity would settle them comfortably, so they have seen the options close by

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Downsizing is a ton of work. Even if she wants to she is probably not in a position to find a new place, set up a move and sell her house without a lot of help. Unless you can do this or find someone local to manage it you will not get her to go anywhere.

OP here, this is a point I hadn't considered. My sister went down and drove them to about 4 places within 5 miles of the home where my aunt's SS/remaining home equity would settle them comfortably, so they have seen the options close by

What sort of places are you looking at? Are these just individual condo units or part of a place with continuing care? At 78, she won't want to move multiple times.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Downsizing is a ton of work. Even if she wants to she is probably not in a position to find a new place, set up a move and sell her house without a lot of help. Unless you can do this or find someone local to manage it you will not get her to go anywhere.

OP here, this is a point I hadn't considered. My sister went down and drove them to about 4 places within 5 miles of the home where my aunt's SS/remaining home equity would settle them comfortably, so they have seen the options close by

What sort of places are you looking at? Are these just individual condo units or part of a place with continuing care? At 78, she won't want to move multiple times.

It's in a complex, kind of like this http://preserveatpalmaire.com/about-us/, so shouldn't have to move