Hoping understanding = a better holiday
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Anonymous
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My ILs are nice people, and I like them. But the holidays are upon us, and their visits often stress me out. I'm hoping some understanding/insight/advice into a particular behavior will lead to me being more relaxed this Thanksgiving.
MIL is a "hoverer." From dawn until bedtime, it never stops. When she plays with DD, she follows her around and is in her face. When she talks to me, she follows me so closely around the kitchen that I have accidentally stepped on her foot. When she talks to anyone, she sits very close. There is no down time. When someone leaves the room, even to shower or go to the restroom, she asks "Where is Jim?" And accuses people of "disappearing?" She expects us to all talk to each other all the time, with no breaks, no TV, no magazines, no phones, etc. I'm all for a proper chat, but on multi-day visits of all-day face time, it is just way too much. We do call weekly and visit/have them visit at least every six weeks, so she's not starved for contact. DH says she's always been like this. I'm not hoping to change her. I am hoping for some strategies to deal with this dynamic--and, maybe if someone can help me understand this behavior? I feel like if I understood it more, or had some good coping strategies, I could be more relaxed around her. I think everyone picks up on my tension, and I feel bad about that and want to adapt. |
Anonymous
| You need to schedule in times where she can't hover! Some or all can go to the movies. You and your husband can trade off going to the gym, or to get groceries. Your husband can take his mom out to coffee, or for a walk. |
Anonymous
| My MIL is like this and I finally started scheduling things for myself to do outside of the house. Dr appointments, hair appointments, dinner with friends, etc. I'm sure she doesn't like it, but it helps me to handle the visits better. I was afraid of doing this for a long time but I finally figured that I needed to do what I needed to do. It has helped. |
Anonymous
OP here: wow, I admire this! Has there been any "backlash," such as comments, questions, "observations"? There's a chance I can get away with this if I frame it as, "Oh, Nancy, it's so nice you are here so I can finally get a haircut knowing she will enjoy special time with you." And to the other poster above, thanks to you, too! I try to usually have food stocked in the hopes of "being a good hostess" but maybe a nice long grocery run is in order... |
Anonymous
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She's probably going deaf and is too vain to get hearing aids. So she has to sit really really close to hear or read your lips. That's why she doesn't know when any one leaves a room--she can't hear them.
Tell her it's time to get hearing aides. |
Anonymous
Hmm. An interesting theory, but DH says she's been that way all his life. I'll try to do some "tests" as subtly as possible though. Thanks, I've never thought of this! |
Anonymous
| She has too much energy that translates as attention. You need something that will capture her attention for a while. Instead of just errands for you try to get her to do a specific activity. Can you ask her to bake a cake with your daughter? Play minecraft with the kids? Get her to take the train to the museums? If you enlisted your husband would he know how to get her focused on something long enough and intensely enough that she would be up for some downtime afterwards? |
Anonymous
| How does your FIL behave? |
Anonymous
| My MIL is also like this. I love her dearly and she's such a great person but she annoys most everyone because she never shuts up, ever. I do what PP does which is leave the house for actual or made-up appointments, like hair cut, nails, gym, dr, lunch with friend, volunteer meeting, church, grocery store, CVS, car maintenance, etc., My MIL usually stays at least 2 weeks at a time, so I need an escape plan sometimes. |
Anonymous
Two weeks?! I would die. |
Anonymous
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It's probably too late for this, but I honestly can not function without some personal space. I've met people like your MIL and I literally can not think or carry on a conversation with them following me around. I'll step back the first time and ask "oh, did you need something?" when they're inexplicably right next to me, put something between us the second time - a pillow, a chair, a child, and the third time, I stop trying to act cool about it and just let it out that I get claustrophobic being followed around - I'll be much better at carrying on the conversation if I could just have a couple feet of room to breathe. People are understanding - if you're flustered but not annnoyed, I think people get that it's not about them, but just about you and how you socialize.
Probably too late for that though, OP. I'd go to the movies, take a nap, bake, etc. I'm not a multitasker so if MIL, or anyone, tried to follow me around while doing basic tasks, I'd just tell them that I'd love to hear them out on what they're saying but then I'll need to concentrate on the task at hand. |
Anonymous
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My MIL is somewhat like this, but not as bad (thank goodness).
but I have had success in attributing it to anxiety issues. She is so anxious for validation all the time. She repeats herself and stories constantly - it's just a weird insecurity/anxiety. it is easier when I can feel slightly sorry for her carrying around all that anxiety vs feeling constantly smothered. Also, give up on caring what she thinks of you. If your DH is able to dismiss it as "she's just always been like this," I think he probably ignores it and goes about his life. So as others have said, go about your life and just ignore as much as possible. |
Anonymous
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My MIL is almost exactly the same way. My kids are older, teenagers, and they mostly stay in their room to avoid her but do have dinner/breakfast with her. I've tried asking her to do things, because she is always asking to help, but anything I ask her to do in the kitchen is too hard for her and she wants me to stand in there and tell her where everything is or help her.
I finally decided that my inlaws are visiting to spend time with their son and grandkids and it is not about me so now DH is much more cognizant that he needs to be with there, in the same room with the inlaws, for the most part during the visit. DH has done this and makes it a lot better. Now I can sneak off to my room and read or watch TV for a little and come down and socialize and then go back up. I also go exercise, do errands, etc when they are here. |
Anonymous
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My MIL is similar (kind of).
Things that have helped us: - She likes to be seen as helpful-so we give her tasks to do (hey can you walk the dog for me- it would be a huge help!) - Schedule appointments (another poster suggested this), run errands, get a mani/pedi - Grocery shopping, lunch with friends - early bedtime (My MIL thinks I go to bed at 8) I honestly put my son to bed, say good night, go in my room and watch TV or read a book. It is glorious. We used to all watch movies together until I realized I could carve out some 'me' time. Now, my husband spends the evening watching moves with his parents 
-alcohol....lots of alcohol
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Anonymous
This is hilarious. |