Tell me about your relationship with your kids, if had more than 2...

[Anonymous]

I've posted in a couple other forums, but have gotten pretty generic replies. My husband and I want a third child, but I hesitate because it's important to me to have a close bond with each of them. I am so close right now with my oldest, and working on building a relationship with my youngest (ages 6 and 3). Is it possible to be close friends with each child when they are older? Did you find that your relationships were ?lesser? because you had less time with each of them?

Curious as to what the end result will be.. thank you.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Will most likely be caring for 1-2 elderly parents at some point. One may live with us, the other in the same city.

[Anonymous]

I'm over 50 and have four kids. I chose to have the third pregnancy because I didn't think my family was complete with two kids. I had a surprise set of twins. I am not friends with any of my children. I'm their mother. Someday, when they are out of college, probably, we will be friends. For now, I'm the person who tells them to practice, do their homework and chores, go to bed, drives them places, etc. I don't have time to become their best friend. It's pretty much impossible to have a close relationship with your middle and high schooler. I doubt if it's healthy. They need to separate from you so they can become themselves. Sometimes its painful. It's going to be painful with one child or six children. My advice: if you want a third child, go for it, OP. But don't expect the close relationships you have with a 6 year old and a 3 year old are going to stay that way for life. They won't.

[Anonymous]

I worry about this too. I have a four year old and three year old twins. I'm an only child and I'm very close to my parents. I was hoping for a similar relationship with my kids when they are adults. However, I feel like I don't have enough time for them individually and that this will make them pull away. This was one of the (many) things I was upset about with an unexpected third child.

[Anonymous]

I had three children who are all adults and I am close to all of them. As they grew up, I tried to make time for each of them, to support them in their activities and to listen to them. They are not equally close to each other, however, the younger two are much closer because of their personalities.

[Anonymous]

There is no limit to love OP.

Also, children are people, so you will will have individual relationships with each of them, which will be a two way street and you will only ever control half of it. So many things influence relationships between people; having more relationships does not diminish the ones you have and sometimes can even make them healthier.

My parents have close, but different relationships with all four of their children (we are also close to each other). Do you know many big families? Lots of love to go around. Similarly, dysfunction comes in all sizes too.

[Anonymous]

DH and I come from large families (6 and 8 kids) and we have 4 (ages 22-12). The answer to your question is undoubtedly yes it's possible but in real life you never ever know what will happen, right? My family remains really close relationships, DH's family gets together only at weddings and funerals. I'm very satisfied with the relationship I have with each of my kids. In a few years you'll see how the kids start pulling away from you (in a good way) with friends, sports, school, etc. so you're not the only thing or person in their lives. If your family and heart are open to another child, I can't think of a reason not to try.

[Anonymous]

No OP it is not possible. Keep happy with your 2 -- don't be greedy and don't ruin the family dynamic. Why can't people just be happy with what they have?

[Anonymous]

We have 5 children. They are all under the age of 12. I love it. I really do.

We have a lot of years ahead of us but so far, so good. Holidays are fun and certainly not lonely.

[Anonymous]

60 year old Mom of 3 here. I am close to all 3. At this point in life, I am also concerned with our 3 kids being close to EACH OTHER. We are not going to live forever....my kid being close was a goal I have always had. Now that 2 of my kids are married, I see different ways people have kept their kids close. In terms of keeping things equal and making each child feel loved...our 3 are far apart in age. So when one was going to Europe and the others were not....we talked out loud to the other 2 how this was appropriate for Johnny and, they would each get special things when it was appropriate for them to venture out. We explained that we did not have enough money to go together as a family....but that we want each of you to have certain experiences....and they would have their turn....and we enjoyed hearing about the adventures of the one going off. Keeping track was not an option for us....when one was off doing something....we saw it as an opportunity to do something special with the ones at home. This was in a family where the kids were far apart in age.
However, one of my kids in laws had their 3 children close in age. The "dance" in their family was very different. The parents were diligent in keeping everything equal. I don't know what their family was like as the kids were growing up.....but here is an example of how their "dance" looks like with 3 adult children. Let's say the bought one of their kids a couch....they would write a check to the other 2 for the cost of that couch. Everything was equal.
From one Mom to another, I would caution you to raise your kids and give them wings. This can be VERY hard to do, at times. You sound very attached to your kids....which is beautiful. I have seen Moms that don't let go....its all about respecting the ages and stages of their development. Not letting them try different things, circling the wagons too much, can translate to your kids as you not having confidence in them....and therefor they will not have confidence in themselves. Believe in them....and let them know it.
Not sure if any of this makes sense....you asked for some details. I skyped with a grandchild in the middle of writing this!
You sound like a lovely Mom. All the best to you!

[Anonymous]

OP, don't try to be friends with your kids until they are grown ups. Please, they need parents. You can treat children with respect, while still completely being the parent. Tell them that now you are responsible for caring for them and teaching them everything you can for them to function well as adults, and that you are looking forward to being friends when they're grown. That's what I've always told my kids, especially when they push back against rules.

I have three kids, and two are still teens. The adult is late twenties, and yes, we are friends and it's delightful. The teen years are the trickiest, as kids give you a lot of push/pull, and you have to treat them respectfully, as young adults, while still slamming down the discipline/consequences hammer as needed. They'll act like toddlers one minute, adults the next. They'll do stupid things. But once you get through that and they're legally adults, always treat them as adults, even when they still need your advice.