This is why I keep some difference and just consider my husband my best friend

[Anonymous]

Anyone relate?

My whole life until my 30s I had close female friends. A few friendships became unhealthy and 1 sided (e.g alcoholic friend crying to me over problems weekly, asking for favors and then going on tirades when drunk and being verbally abusive. I realized I had become an enabler and distanced myself.) Over time when I have dealt with enough of this type of stuff I decided my husband is the best friend who doesn't hurt me or use me and he is the person I trust and give my all too. I have female friends/acquaintances, but not close friends because I don't have much to give anymore. One of my kids has SN. My parents ae having aging issues, etc.

Recently, I decided I shouldn't see friendship as a drain and I allowed someone to get closer and as soon as I did that it went from pleasant, but distant to her asking for major favors. She's not ill or in a dire situation. She just suddenly felt comfortable enough to ask me to do things for her and now I don't want to deal with her at all and I wish I had not let my guard down. I have to say "no" and if I had not given her chance I would not have to feel like a bitch.

Anyone else find female friendships too draining to deal.

[Anonymous]

distance, not difference

[Anonymous]

Hey OP I am dealing with the same thing, only my DH recently (during an argument) told me that I have no friends and don't like anyone. Sad thing is, that's a true statement. Still hurts though.

I too have ended close relationships with female friends. So much so that I'm down to one close friend. I know what you mean about seeing friendship as a drain - I've struggled with this for years.

I tend to be a terrible friend. I am so independent that I truly think I'm happiest alone. keeping in close touch with friends feels burdensome and I tend to have "ghosted" so many friends over the years...I suddenly felt overwhelmed by the relationship, the person's annoying qualities or they did something to hurt me, directly or indirectly.

Female friendships are grueling. Even quit a book club because I couldn't stand the gossip and general nastiness. There went six friends. Quit returning calls from a former close friend because she was super critical and judgmental and took it upon herself to discipline my young child...in front of me.

I'm not perfect but wonder if I'll ever have friends. It shouldn't be this tough.

[Anonymous]

I'm the same way.

[Anonymous]

Maybe you're attracting the wrong people. I'm 39 and while I've had a few clunkers along the way, overall have a nice assortment of friends from different phases in my life with very little drama.

[Anonymous]

It's not easy. I've found myself distancing from former BFFs on a few occasions. Instead of close frienships, I've found a friendly distance is the best way to keep off gossip, competitiveness and petty jealousy.

OTOH, sometimes, you're better off alone, but other times just a pal to have a cup of coffee with to discuss good books would be ideal. Finding a middle ground remains a challenge.

[Anonymous]

Thankfully I haven't had friends,like this, and I would never treat a,friend the way you describe. So don't lose hope, there are good people out there. But it's good you have such a,strong relationship with your DH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: Anyone relate?

My whole life until my 30s I had close female friends. A few friendships became unhealthy and 1 sided (e.g alcoholic friend crying to me over problems weekly, asking for favors and then going on tirades when drunk and being verbally abusive. I realized I had become an enabler and distanced myself.) Over time when I have dealt with enough of this type of stuff I decided my husband is the best friend who doesn't hurt me or use me and he is the person I trust and give my all too. I have female friends/acquaintances, but not close friends because I don't have much to give anymore. One of my kids has SN. My parents ae having aging issues, etc.

Recently, I decided I shouldn't see friendship as a drain and I allowed someone to get closer and as soon as I did that it went from pleasant, but distant to her asking for major favors. She's not ill or in a dire situation. She just suddenly felt comfortable enough to ask me to do things for her and now I don't want to deal with her at all and I wish I had not let my guard down. I have to say "no" and if I had not given her chance I would not have to feel like a bitch.

Anyone else find female friendships too draining to deal.

What kinds of things. Because when yo consider someone a friend, it is not unheard of to ask them for favors. If she is not asking for a kidney, money, or for you to take her kids, how major could these things be?

Maybe you need to do some self-examination. Instead of focusing on what people TAKE from you, see 1. What you are willing and able to GIVE and 2. What you are willing to GET back. If the answer to 1 and 2 is nothing, then it is not other people. It is you, and you are best on your own.

[Anonymous]

If you attract this many dysfunctional friendships, I think you should consider whether the problem is you, and not women in general. I'm sure you can rationally appreciate that not every woman is an alcoholic, and not every woman is a rampant taker who gives nothing in return. After all, you appear to be a woman, but I assume you don't think of yourself as an alcoholic or someone who only takes and never gives, so what makes you the magic exception?

[Anonymous]

Your point of view is slightly too black and white, OP. I hope that means you are still very young and inexperienced.

The truth is that anyone can become someone who doesn't have your best interest at heart. Even your parents or your husband, or your children. That doesn't mean you shouldn't keep them as friends or trusted family members. You need to communicate constructively, and readjust expectations on both sides. It's not possible to go through life without that kind of disappointment in most of your relationships - what I mean is, it's not the fact that it happens that's important, it's how you react to it.

So for example don't feel too betrayed if you "give your all" to your husband and he takes advantage.

Just a word to the wise.

[Anonymous]

I had to distance myself from friends and family because I just can't take on everyone else's problems but my own right now. Not that my problems ever mattered to anyone considering no one ever asked.

My husband is my best friend, my only friend, the one person in this world I trust more than anyone else. I need him and no one else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had to distance myself from friends and family because I just can't take on everyone else's problems but my own right now. Not that my problems ever mattered to anyone considering no one ever asked.

My husband is my best friend, my only friend, the one person in this world I trust more than anyone else. I need him and no one else.

That is NOT healthy, and it's not going to end well.

[Anonymous]

If the only person on earth who is your friend is your husband, something is wrong with you.

It sounds like you are seeking out dysfunction and/or sabotaging relationships with healthy and stable people. That's sad.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks for all he the responses. I have friends I get together with for coffee now and then or we chat at kids' birthday parties and maybe get our kids together now and then. They are not close fiends and I prefer that. I like them and enjoy their company an don't feel drained. I know the struggles thy face and they know mine, but I have no desire to see them more often because these friendships are easier and have fewer expectations.

I agree about gossiping-hate it and distance myself. Have yet to join a female group (moms group, book club, etc)where women don't get gossipy or competitive.

I can't be a "giver" right now because I have nothing to give. I have a child with SN and other stress already mentioned. I find that I can keep myself sane having alone time now and then, exercising, renting a funny movie or keeping a gratitude journal, etc, but I just can't be a best friend right now I guess. When I had close female friends I had a much easier life. Now I don't want to do favors, get sucked into drama, etc. The perks are not worth the stress.

I think it helps that DH and I face the same stressors mostly so we get it. We vent, but also see the humor. It's a 2 way relationship, but it took a while to get on the same team when we first started dealing with stuff.

[Anonymous]

OP, what are the favors being requested? You mention at least two friends asking for too many favors, so I wonder if maybe you have an unusually low tolerance for requests for help?

Nothing wrong with your husband being your best friend. Mine is! But i think it's healthy for both of us to have other friends as well. I don't have a ton, but I have a couple close girl friends. And the good news is they're not crazy or demanding or anything, so normal women are out there.