Sketchy or paranoid?
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Anonymous
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DH has a good girl friend from college who he has rekindled a friendship with. They lost touch after college, but randomly started working at the same company and reconnected as friends. She lives with her boyfriend of a few years. She recently left the company, and DH has been trying to help her find a new job. They go to lunch once every couple months, and he is open about having seen her.
They do seem to text a lot, and it's all totally harmless, but I discovered something that is a bit strange and slightly off putting. DH asked me to respond to his father who had texted him something this AM, and while doing so a text popped up from the friend. Totally harmless, but I was looking through the exchange (natural curiousity) and it almost looked like there were some pieces of conversations missing. For example, they would be texting about how her job search is going on Monday, and then Tuesday afternoon there is a random text that said "that's a great idea" which had nothing to do with their conversation. And there were more instances like that... one in particular was from a couple months back that was a totally random text that said "you're hilarious" and he just replied "thanks". First off, can you delete part of a conversation from an iPhone 6 but leave the majority of it? Maybe they are having a conversation in another way too - via email or maybe phone but I don't see her cel popping up in recent calls. I truly don't think they are seeing one another in person, but I guess you never know. Would you think something is up here, or am I just being crazy? |
Anonymous
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Yes, you can delete individual text messages but keep the rest of the chain.
It sounds innocent to me, but if you are sensing something else -- trust your gut. Have a good long talk with your DH and let him know how you are feeling. Then, don't be paranoid, but keep your eyes open... |
Anonymous
| Tell your husband about the text and ask him. You're not going to find out anything no matter how much pondering and contemplating you do, all you're going to end up accomplishing is concocting grand elaborate conspiracy theories in your head and end up searching for proof to confirm those suspicions. If you really want the answer don't panhandle for opinions from others and don't sit around trying to add unknown integers up on your own. Go to your friggin husband and see what he says. |
Anonymous
| Sometimes this happens on my iPhone if Person A sends out a group text to B, C, and D. Then D types in A's name to send a reply, so the thread appears on the private A and D conversation of whatever they last said to each other, not in a group text. So, innocent in my case. Check for a group text where the woman wrote your DH as well as some other people. |
Anonymous
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OP here, just looking for opinions about whether or not this would bother others, or if I am just reading in to nothing.
I brought something up to him about 6 months after they reconnected because he talked about her all the time but he assured me they are just friends. I do not think they are having a physical affair - DH travels / weeks a month for work (always has well before she was in the pic) and is always around when he is home. I wonder more if there is some inappropriate flirting going on. |
Anonymous
| If he has multiple devices, stuff could be showing up in one place and not the other. It's the split on Apple devices between iMessage and texting. Happens on my dh's phone/iPad. It has to do with being on wifi or not, I believe. |
Anonymous
M here. It bothers me... but I think it's way too early to be paranoid. Emotionally and psychological, there are boundaries of proximity, familiarity, frequency that you have to deal with. You can't let your gut feeling fester and turn into something bad. You should be able to let your husband know your feeling on this. I expect you'll both have a good laugh about it afterwards. |
Anonymous
You read his texts going back "months"? That is snooping. And terrible. |
Anonymous
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Always trust your gut. Your gut is telling you that this relationship has some red flags and may or may not be a threat to your marriage. You already had a gut feeling that he was talking about her way too much, which is what people do when they're crushing on someone, whether it's a friend crush or more. You know your husband and we don't. Best scenario is he really likes her as a friend and there's nothing to worry about. But your gut is telling you to check it out, because it could go either way.
Do you ever hang out with her, or get together as two couples, or does he always see her alone? |
Anonymous
| Could be that they instant message, email, or communicate by other means, and then pick up the convo by text. Say, he forwarded her a funny email, which she opened on her phone and she texted "You're hilarious" rather than replying to the email. Not suspicious necessarily. |
Anonymous
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My DH struck up a friendship with a co-worker that started exactly like this. He talked about her a lot, did lunches/etc at work. Yes, he was always home (we lived further out then and he took the VRE). But it just seemed to cross a line. I told him I was uncomfortable, and his response was to keep their actions a secret from me. I learned that part when I stumbled onto something about 6 months after our first convo. Only then did he break it off. I do believe him that things never got physical, which is how we managed to get past it.
Anyway, here is what I see as red flags: 1) It seems to be an excessive amount of time for helping someone find a job. 2) "You're hilarious" could be getting too personal. It could be a sarcastic response, "no, bad idea for a job", but it could also be much more. OP needs more info on how often and what topics they discuss. 3) It seems to be very separate from OP. But a good sign is that he wasn't concerned about OP seeing his phone. OP, you just need to have a talk with him. Discuss what you each feel is appropriate parameters for friendships with the opposite sex. For all you know, he could be feeling a little uncomfortable himself, especially if she's the one initiating contact. |
Anonymous
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A lot of my texts look like I've deleted certain responses because sometimes my iphone freaks out and splits my texts into SMS and iMessage. The messages will then sometimes show up as separate threads. So he may not have deleted anything intentionally, the messaging app may have just had a hiccup.
As for if it would bother me, no, because I trust my husband completely. That said, I really trust my gut so I would take it very seriously if I started getting a wonky feeling about someone my husband is friends with. I've been with guys in the past that I didn't trust 100% and I was right to go with my gut on those. It's just a matter of how much you trust your gut in situations like this. |
Anonymous
| Why are you guys all okay with snooping and reading your husbands texts? Would you want him on your phone? And don't say "I have nothing to hide" - it is still snooping. |
Anonymous
I'm not ok with snooping and I don't do it. I wouldn't be ok with my husband going through my phone because people (friends and my sisters in particular) share things with me that they don't want shared with anyone else and I respect that. All that being said, the genie is out of the bottle and OP needs to figure out what to do with it so that is what I addressed in my response. My personal belief when it comes to finding out something via snooping is that the two issues (the snooping and what was found out) need to be treated as two separate problems, one doesn't negate the other. OP will need to deal with the ramifications from her husband for the snooping but that doesn't mean the husband gets to ignore her concerns related to the friend. |
Anonymous
It's not snooping when you stumble upon something, or the person does something, that makes you suspicious. |