18 y/o DS drinking and smoking in our home.

[Anonymous]

DS is a senior in HS, oldest of 3. I have been finding vomit on his clothing and empty bottles in his room. I ground him, take away his car and phone, credit cards, etc but last night was the last straw. I returned home after work and the entire middle floor of our home reeked like pot and cigarettes. I found a group of 10 of his friends in the basement, they ran out when I came downstairs. There was vomit all over the carpet, basement stairs, and road outside. I also found absolute vodka bottles and cigarettes that were put out in our drain pipe outside.

DS was no where to be found, I went to his room and he was incoherently mumbling and his eyes were red. He was half dressed and his g/f was wearing just underwear. I called her parents and they came and picked her up. I do not know what to do anymore. DH and I were supposed to go out of town for our anniversary and he was going to watch his brother and sister but there's no way I will leave him home now. DH is out of town on business until Friday and has recently had a stroke. I am trying to not stress him out. I don't know what to do. DD was supposed to have cheer team over for practice this afternoon in our basement which I cancelled because of the smoke smell and vomit. Luckily just I was home last night, schools were closed for election day so other DS and DD were at sleep overs. Grounding him doesn't work. And he just says he's 18 and can do what he wants. He's still in HS so its not like I can tell him to get out.

[Anonymous]

I am sorry you are dealing with this. I wish I had advice, but the only thing I remember from being a teenager doing these things, is that the more my parents punished me, the more I rebelled and tried to make their lives miserable.

Do you think you could try therapy for you and your DH to get some guidance on how best to handle?

You can absolutely set ground rules at home, but he will just go do it elsewhere (which may be your preference).

[Anonymous]

He can't do what he likes if he lives in your house. But you have to decide what you can live with. Tough love might actually mean telling him your rules or get out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DS is a senior in HS, oldest of 3. I have been finding vomit on his clothing and empty bottles in his room. I ground him, take away his car and phone, credit cards, etc but last night was the last straw. I returned home after work and the entire middle floor of our home reeked like pot and cigarettes. I found a group of 10 of his friends in the basement, they ran out when I came downstairs. There was vomit all over the carpet, basement stairs, and road outside. I also found absolute vodka bottles and cigarettes that were put out in our drain pipe outside.

DS was no where to be found, I went to his room and he was incoherently mumbling and his eyes were red. He was half dressed and his g/f was wearing just underwear. I called her parents and they came and picked her up. I do not know what to do anymore. DH and I were supposed to go out of town for our anniversary and he was going to watch his brother and sister but there's no way I will leave him home now. DH is out of town on business until Friday and has recently had a stroke. I am trying to not stress him out. I don't know what to do. DD was supposed to have cheer team over for practice this afternoon in our basement which I cancelled because of the smoke smell and vomit. Luckily just I was home last night, schools were closed for election day so other DS and DD were at sleep overs. Grounding him doesn't work. And he just says he's 18 and can do what he wants. He's still in HS so its not like I can tell him to get out.

If you can't tell him to "get out" then tell him to "get the f*** out".

[Anonymous]

You might look into rehab programs. Also, you may get more responses in the family section. This section seems to be geared toward younger children. You have my sympathy.

[Anonymous]

Does he have a job?

[Anonymous]

Does he have a job? I think he needs one to start learning responsibility, plus it will keep him busy. How are his grades? Is he doing chores? Also, do you know where the alcohol is coming from?

Can you work shorter hours or get home sooner? He sounds like needs more supervision.

[Anonymous]

what are you paying for of his? auto insurance? cell phone? cable?

stop paying for it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does he have a job? I think he needs one to start learning responsibility, plus it will keep him busy. How are his grades? Is he doing chores? Also, do you know where the alcohol is coming from?

Can you work shorter hours or get home sooner? He sounds like needs more supervision.

An 18 year old doesn't need supervision. I think he's was past that point in life. The way he's going, he'll get a lot of supervision in the correctional system.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does he have a job? I think he needs one to start learning responsibility, plus it will keep him busy. How are his grades? Is he doing chores? Also, do you know where the alcohol is coming from?

Can you work shorter hours or get home sooner? He sounds like needs more supervision.

An 18 year old doesn't need supervision. I think he's was past that point in life. The way he's going, he'll get a lot of supervision in the correctional system.

Actually he does. Even though he's already 18, he's living for free and is only a high school senior. OP's house, her rules.

Also, the cops could find OP liable for the drinking and drugs going on in her house.

I'm very sorry you're going through this OP.

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry, OP. It must be incredibly stressful for you!

Why do you think he is doing this? He knows he is hurting himself, hurting his father, hurting you and his siblings. So... why?
Is he depressed? In with the wrong crowd? Does he have ADHD? Bad grades? Does he feel as if he's not going anywhere in his life right now?

He needs to see a psychologist trained in this kind of thing, and possibly rehab (which I know nothing about).
Meanwhile, for his own safety, you need to take away all sources of income (no car, no allowance, etc). Temporarily. Continue communicating with him in a calm way. You are past the anger stage. This is his life, and his family's well being, at risk here.

[Anonymous]

He should have started a rehab program the second you found bottles in his room. Not all are in-patient. He needs a counselor. Also, where is he getting his money? Does he have a car? Take away his car. Cut off his source of money and lock up your valuables. Don't be naive.

[Anonymous]

Read Beautiful Boy by David Sheff.
As he is over 18, you can't forcibly send him to rehab.
Check out the support group BILY: Because I Love You. For tips and support.

[Anonymous]

It's been some time since I was a teen, but what's with all the vomiting? Is that just a by-product of binge drinking?? What's the role of alcohol and drugs in the household in general? Discussed often within the context of responsibility? Not discussed? Taboo? I worry about kids that look like they're rebelling or acting out, when they are modeling behaviors (even if less extreme) that they've seen in their families whether nuclear or extended. People get focused on the behaviors - kicking out, grounding, rather than the disease of addiction.

[Anonymous]

Kick him out. Maybe to a halfway house for drug and alcohol abusers.