18 y/o DS drinking and smoking in our home.

[Anonymous]

OP you can tell him what to do as long as he's living under a roof you are paying for. This is going to have a negative impact on the younger siblings. He's 18 and you can kick him out. If he wants place to get drunk, high and have sex with his girlfriend he needs to get his own place and pay for it. Are these the kind of people you want your younger children exposed to in their own home? Make sure nothing was stolen from your home including any personal banking info. Speaking from experience.

[Anonymous]

OP you can tell him what to do as long as he's living under a roof you are paying for. This is going to have a negative impact on the younger siblings. He's 18 and you can kick him out. If he wants place to get drunk, high and have sex with his girlfriend he needs to get his own place and pay for it. Are these the kind of people you want your younger children exposed to in their own home? Make sure nothing was stolen from your home including any personal banking info. Speaking from experience.

[Anonymous]

Get yourself to some Al-anon meetings. Those folks have already been through what you are dealing with and can really give you helpful advice.

He is an addict. Healthy people don't drink and smoke until they vomit -- especially not on a regular basis. He has a real problem and it needs to be addressed ASAP.

[Anonymous]

If you are finding empty bottles in his room and he is vomiting all over your house, he's an addict. I would go to al-anon and talk to him about treatment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Get yourself to some Al-anon meetings. Those folks have already been through what you are dealing with and can really give you helpful advice.

He is an addict. Healthy people don't drink and smoke until they vomit -- especially not on a regular basis. He has a real problem and it needs to be addressed ASAP.

Yup. I don't have any sage advice, OP, because I haven't dealt with this in an 18 year old. But it sounds like some other posters have. But I 100% agree he is an addict. Approach it from that angle. He needs medical help. I just don't know how to get him to agree.

[Anonymous]

I read a piece recently about a family who went through something similar with an older teen. They took his door off the hinges and removed everything from his room except for a mattress on the floor. They locked off the closet and left him 7 sets of clothing in an open shelf. They put a key lock on the bathroom door and he had timed showers and they would unlock and boot him out after 5 monutes. They took away all media/computers/smart phone/TV - they did leave him with a dumb phone. They locked off other areas of the house (guest room, basement) to prevent him from setting up shop in those locations. They told him if he wanted to act like a criminal in their home, he would live like one as well. In order to earn his life back, he had to report to them right after school daily, submit to drug testing, get a job, etc. He didn't have any money or anything of his own and he quicly realized he liked having all the cush stuff they had been providing, so he complied. Might not work for everyone, but maybe worth a try.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I read a piece recently about a family who went through something similar with an older teen. They took his door off the hinges and removed everything from his room except for a mattress on the floor. They locked off the closet and left him 7 sets of clothing in an open shelf. They put a key lock on the bathroom door and he had timed showers and they would unlock and boot him out after 5 monutes. They took away all media/computers/smart phone/TV - they did leave him with a dumb phone. They locked off other areas of the house (guest room, basement) to prevent him from setting up shop in those locations. They told him if he wanted to act like a criminal in their home, he would live like one as well. In order to earn his life back, he had to report to them right after school daily, submit to drug testing, get a job, etc. He didn't have any money or anything of his own and he quicly realized he liked having all the cush stuff they had been providing, so he complied. Might not work for everyone, but maybe worth a try.

Very interesting, this is good advice because at the rate he is going, he could very well end up a criminal. Much better than the tough love of kicking him out. He is a teenager/kid and will end up worse off out on his own-that's not your goal.

Also, he does need professional help. Help him, you have to let him know that you are not giving up on him at the same time that you are not putting up with his current behavior.

And finally, support group for you. Unfortunately, so many parents have been through this-you need to connect with them to find out what has worked for other families.

Good luck-get your son back-it can be done.

[Anonymous]

I would tell him rehab or he moves out.

[Anonymous]

Take his car if he has one. You don't want t him drinking and driving. Don't give him any money or credit cards. If he has an ATM card, cancel it. Instead of giving him money for lunch, put it on a school lunch account. Don't kick him out. There are too many bad things that can happen that can't be erased. Talk to a psychologist. Good luck! I feel bad for you and your DH. It must be stressful, which can't be helpful given the recent stroke.

[Anonymous]

I would definitely talk to a psychologist. Thrive in Columbia md has a group for kids who fail to launch and might have some good ideas. I'm not sure that location would help you but maybe they could refer you somewhere closer. Rick Silver there is excellent and really good at tough problems.

I think some sort of tough love or boundary setting may be needed for YOUR sanity and other children but definitely recommend seeking professional advice on implementing.

Good luck. I wish I had more concrete advice.