S/O: You mean 'parents,' not 'mom'

[Anonymous]

There's a thread talking about OP disliking her SIL for not allowing her kids to go trick-or-treating. The thread continues with lots of posters recalling childhoods where "moms" were too controlling about that kind of thing, or posters who know "moms like that."

OK, fair enough. But I think what you actually mean are "PARENTS," unless you are truly referring to a scenario where the father/other parent is completely out of the picture and in no way responsible for raising the child.

"Moms" aren't responsible/to blame/to praise for everything. Even if the particular decision/behavior originates with the mother, the dad/other parent is signing off on her decisions/is allowing her to be in charge of said decision. So even the most "passive" of dads/other parents doesn't get a free pass to be "blameless" for the decision.

Stop blaming moms for everything, and holding them responsible for everything, or even praising them for everything. Dad/other parents are involved, too, even if their "involvement" = choosing NOT to be involved.

[Anonymous]

Okay.

[Anonymous]

Sometimes one parent is very controlling. Yes, both parents have evolved a co-dependent relationship with each other to enable the controlling behavior, but the children's reality is that there is one controlling parent. I know I clearly experienced my mother as controlling. That is reality. Whether or not my father bears fault for not challenging her behavior is really their problem, not mine.

[Anonymous]

I think in cases like this, its ok to get drunk at lunch. You need a bottle if that shit is bothering you

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes one parent is very controlling. Yes, both parents have evolved a co-dependent relationship with each other to enable the controlling behavior, but the children's reality is that there is one controlling parent. I know I clearly experienced my mother as controlling. That is reality. Whether or not my father bears fault for not challenging her behavior is really their problem, not mine.

It's sad that this is the label you apply to your mom, without assigning some type of responsibility to your dad. How about "passive," "checked-out," or "disengaged"?

[Anonymous]

Overall I agree with you point, but the reality is that even the kids know which of the parents is the source of the restriction and it often is the mom, simply because mothers tend to be the default parent - whether it be a matter of discipline or not.

Growing up, my mom was the source of most unreasonable, or at least I perceived to be, limits. For my kids, my husband is likely to be an equal source but we have different areas where one of us is relaxed/uptight one.

[Anonymous]

I don't think it means the dad is disengaged. In my household we divide and conquer so that we don't all have to waste time researching and forming opinions on everything. If someone cares more about a particular thing (candy), then they take the lead there.

[Anonymous]

Great post, OP. Fathers slide under the radar far too often.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think it means the dad is disengaged. In my household we divide and conquer so that we don't all have to waste time researching and forming opinions on everything. If someone cares more about a particular thing (candy), then they take the lead there.

Right, but divide and conquer = cosigning decisions, and presenting a united front. Then why is it that Mom gets the "blame" for "no trick-or-treating," for example, and Dad gets off blame-free?

[Anonymous]

You will notice on nearly every thread here the women are in control of the children because the fathers are not in the home, working all the time, too stupid to be a parent so yes, it's on Mom.

[Anonymous]

Uncle: chilled guy, doesn't rock the boat, does whatever his wife says

Aunt: huge control freak by the 10th degree, it's either her way or no way

Me: have no clue what he saw in her in the first place and especially after he married her and they had children. I feel bad for them and one even voiced they couldn't wait until they're 18.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Uncle: chilled guy, doesn't rock the boat, does whatever his wife says

Aunt: huge control freak by the 10th degree, it's either her way or no way

Me: have no clue what he saw in her in the first place and especially after he married her and they had children. I feel bad for them and one even voiced they couldn't wait until they're 18.

And? He chose to marry her. He chose to let her have her way all the time. He chose to let his kids be raised in that dynamic.

"Blame"/responsibility? 50/50

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There's a thread talking about OP disliking her SIL for not allowing her kids to go trick-or-treating. The thread continues with lots of posters recalling childhoods where "moms" were too controlling about that kind of thing, or posters who know "moms like that."

OK, fair enough. But I think what you actually mean are "PARENTS," unless you are truly referring to a scenario where the father/other parent is completely out of the picture and in no way responsible for raising the child.

"Moms" aren't responsible/to blame/to praise for everything. Even if the particular decision/behavior originates with the mother, the dad/other parent is signing off on her decisions/is allowing her to be in charge of said decision. So even the most "passive" of dads/other parents doesn't get a free pass to be "blameless" for the decision.

Stop blaming moms for everything, and holding them responsible for everything, or even praising them for everything. Dad/other parents are involved, too, even if their "involvement" = choosing NOT to be involved.

The irony of every single person reading this picturing you as a Mom. Which you most definitely are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There's a thread talking about OP disliking her SIL for not allowing her kids to go trick-or-treating. The thread continues with lots of posters recalling childhoods where "moms" were too controlling about that kind of thing, or posters who know "moms like that."

OK, fair enough. But I think what you actually mean are "PARENTS," unless you are truly referring to a scenario where the father/other parent is completely out of the picture and in no way responsible for raising the child.

"Moms" aren't responsible/to blame/to praise for everything. Even if the particular decision/behavior originates with the mother, the dad/other parent is signing off on her decisions/is allowing her to be in charge of said decision. So even the most "passive" of dads/other parents doesn't get a free pass to be "blameless" for the decision.

Stop blaming moms for everything, and holding them responsible for everything, or even praising them for everything. Dad/other parents are involved, too, even if their "involvement" = choosing NOT to be involved.

The irony of every single person reading this picturing you as a Mom. Which you most definitely are.

Not OP, but his/her dynamic describes my marriage/coo parenting perfectly--we are truly 50-50...we share the responsibility of all our decisions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Uncle: chilled guy, doesn't rock the boat, does whatever his wife says

Aunt: huge control freak by the 10th degree, it's either her way or no way

Me: have no clue what he saw in her in the first place and especially after he married her and they had children. I feel bad for them and one even voiced they couldn't wait until they're 18.

Your grandmother is probably that way too.