How to respond to "I won't be your friend anymore"

[Anonymous]

One of my daughter's friends keep saying this whenever my daughter doesn't want to play what he wants to play right then. I know it used to hurt her a lot when she was younger, and at that time, we would take a break and the boy's parent would talk to him and eventually he would apologize. Now she is six, she doesn't cry about it, so I'm not sure if she's just hiding the hurt or she has learned to brush it off. But since she doesn't appear visibly upset, we have just been ignoring it. This makes him get more riled up and keep saying it over and over. It doesn't feel right. Any suggestions? When they do both want to play the same thing, they play well together and she does want to keep doing play dates with him.

[Anonymous]

"OK, why don't you go home and let me know when you DO want to be friends?"

This really drives me crazy, whether it's coming from my kid or her playmate.

[Anonymous]

This is how kids learn to navigate the world. This kind of back-and-forth is as old as time. It's to the kid's developmental advantage to work through these situations themselves.

[Anonymous]

Our DD is 3.5 and has started hearing this recently. We talk about how it hurts, but how it might not be how they "really" feel (sometimes we say things when we're sad or mad). This worked because DD has also started saying "I don't love you" when she's mad. She's getting better at not taking it to heart, but she's a sensitive kid in general.

[Anonymous]

My daughter's friend did this all the time in preschool. I'm surprised the 6 yo is still doing it. Anyway, my daughter learned to ignore those comments and move on to playing with someone else. When her friend realized she was not getting a reaction (crying or getting her way), she stopped the nonsense and went back to being a nice kid.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Unfortunately, ignoring him doesn't make him stop. He gets more and more frustrated and angry. And then of course the less my daughter wants to play with him right then. Playing with someone else often isn't an option, during arranged play dates when there is no one else around.

To those of you advocating just letting them work it out themselves, at what point do you intervene when there is mean behavior? Doesn't just standing by send the message that it's OK ?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Unfortunately, ignoring him doesn't make him stop. He gets more and more frustrated and angry. And then of course the less my daughter wants to play with him right then. Playing with someone else often isn't an option, during arranged play dates when there is no one else around.

To those of you advocating just letting them work it out themselves, at what point do you intervene when there is mean behavior? Doesn't just standing by send the message that it's OK ?

If mean behavior becomes a pattern, then you stop having playdates with that kid for now. You have to let your child learn to navigate his/her own social situations without constant micromanagement from mom. I'm a NP by the way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Unfortunately, ignoring him doesn't make him stop. He gets more and more frustrated and angry. And then of course the less my daughter wants to play with him right then. Playing with someone else often isn't an option, during arranged play dates when there is no one else around.

To those of you advocating just letting them work it out themselves, at what point do you intervene when there is mean behavior? Doesn't just standing by send the message that it's OK ?

I thought this was at school. Stop having playdates with this kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One of my daughter's friends keep saying this whenever my daughter doesn't want to play what he wants to play right then. I know it used to hurt her a lot when she was younger, and at that time, we would take a break and the boy's parent would talk to him and eventually he would apologize. Now she is six, she doesn't cry about it, so I'm not sure if she's just hiding the hurt or she has learned to brush it off. But since she doesn't appear visibly upset, we have just been ignoring it. This makes him get more riled up and keep saying it over and over. It doesn't feel right. Any suggestions? When they do both want to play the same thing, they play well together and she does want to keep doing play dates with him.

I'd give her a polite but firm response, rather than just ignoring it. "That's not a nice thing to say. You can be a friend even if you don't want to play the same things all the time."

Your daughter is old enough that you don't need to intervene. Give her the tools to deal with it, and be there for her to talk about it, but don't feel like you have to intervene if she's not acting upset. It's not sending the message that the kid's behavior is okay; it's sending the message that you think she is capable of managing the situation herself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Our DD is 3.5 and has started hearing this recently. We talk about how it hurts, but how it might not be how they "really" feel (sometimes we say things when we're sad or mad). This worked because DD has also started saying "I don't love you" when she's mad. She's getting better at not taking it to heart, but she's a sensitive kid in general.

We're hearing this, too; same age. I've figured out that "I don't want to be your friend" really means "I don't want to play with you right now." So we talk about how sometimes we don't want to play the same thing as a friend, and that's okay. We can still be friends and play together later.

[Anonymous]

I'd hold off on playdates with the kid. Threatening to end the friendship if you don't do as asked is manipulative. I realize it's a little kid, but the message you should send to your daughter is that it's okay to walk away from that kind of behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our DD is 3.5 and has started hearing this recently. We talk about how it hurts, but how it might not be how they "really" feel (sometimes we say things when we're sad or mad). This worked because DD has also started saying "I don't love you" when she's mad. She's getting better at not taking it to heart, but she's a sensitive kid in general.

We're hearing this, too; same age. I've figured out that "I don't want to be your friend" really means "I don't want to play with you right now." So we talk about how sometimes we don't want to play the same thing as a friend, and that's okay. We can still be friends and play together later.

+1. I get "you're not my best friend" all the time from my 3 year old DD. It definitely means I don't want to play with you right now. Most of the time, she wants to play with me 30 seconds later

[Anonymous]

I agree with the above PPs re not wanting to play right now. If you're there and you hear it, you model the constructive communication. "Kid, I hear friend saying he doesn't want to play right now." And then move on to something else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd hold off on playdates with the kid. Threatening to end the friendship if you don't do as asked is manipulative. I realize it's a little kid, but the message you should send to your daughter is that it's okay to walk away from that kind of behavior.

OP here. I guess that may be the only viable option -- to pack up and leave the playground or their house (it feels kind of annoying to have to leave a public playground because of this though). Btw, he is the one who then continues approaching her and asking her and again and again to play what he wants to play and getting upset when she says she doesn't want to play that. She doesn't pursue him, and will proceed to play something else by herself if necessary, or with me. But she doesn't want to leave when I have suggested it. And when his parent suggests ending the play date and leaving (if at playground), he gets very upset and then the parent eventually helps him calm down and he apologizes and then they find something they both want to play and all is well for a while. But the cycle eventually re-plays itself, maybe at the same play date or the next one.

Despite this, she really wants to have more play dates with him. And we are friends with the parents, so I wish there were some way to just avoid dealing with this rather than to have to end the play dates.

[Anonymous]

Ha! I hear this among my DS's mates- and he's 11 - his mates are up to 8th graders! Good luck micro managing your kid's playmate behaviour.