New STA parent seeking advice, suggestions, or just plain "I wish I had known X" info

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is some crazy talk about homecoming on the NCS thread. Do the boys really take the homecoming experience that seriously? STA moms, do you really care whether your son goes or not?

Lots of STA mom chatter heard over the past week. I do not know about the boys, but these boys' moms take this shit seriously. Measuring out how pretty the date is, how fancy the pre-party will be, and whether the cool kids will be at the after party. It is high school for these moms all over again.

WHy?????!!!!>........ WHY.....????!!!!! WHY????????!!!!!!!!!!!

Mmmmm. Awful as it may sound, that's life. Mock. Deride. Snark all you want. That's just life, and such madness is not reserved for the independent school moms.

Do public school moms really have the ability to focus on such things? I guess I mean that the private school world is so much smaller and insular. Everyone knows everyone. Not like that in bigger public school real world.

[Anonymous]

My son dated Holton girls. He is a senior and has never attended a NCS function. In fact, he declines the yearly invitations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My son dated Holton girls. He is a senior and has never attended a NCS function. In fact, he declines the yearly invitations.

This sounds like bad manners. I teach my children that there must be an emergency, or a feeling of threatened safety or some other very good reason to decline a date invitation. Can you share your rationale?

[Anonymous]

I believe it is rude to first accept then decline but it's fine to decline an invitation. This hold true for my two sons and daughter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My son dated Holton girls. He is a senior and has never attended a NCS function. In fact, he declines the yearly invitations.

This sounds like bad manners. I teach my children that there must be an emergency, or a feeling of threatened safety or some other very good reason to decline a date invitation. Can you share your rationale?[/quote]

Of course, it depends on the situation, but I think this type of advice has the potential to be very harmful in the long run, particularly when it comes to young women. For too long, women have been socialized to say "yes" when a boy (or girl) invites. This undermines their self-confidence to say "no" when the stakes increase later in life. Children need to be encouraged to trust their instincts and preferences from a young age.

Rather than teach children to "just say yes" unless they can specify why they don't want to do something, I prefer the route of teaching them to respect their own instincts and to communicate with the other party in a clear, respectful, and polite way. "Thank you so much, but I can't attend," is nearly always sufficient.

Of course, I realize that some children need to be encouraged to go beyond their comfort level, but I think teaching them they have to go somewhere simply because someone else wants them to is generally not advisable.

That said, refusing to attend an event just because it is a school you don't want to associate with seems pretty silly.

[Anonymous]

STA boys aren't required to date NCS girls. Nothing silly about it.

[Anonymous]

I agree that girls should not be taught to "JustSayYes."

[Anonymous]

To a date? With someone from their related school? You must have different ideas about what expectations are for dates. Mine for teenage dates are: fun, planned time with friends to get to know each other better, learn manners, have fun experiences, learn to have good conversations, and learn the types of people you most enjoy. At this age, we are not testing people for marriage; you do not need to be attracted to the person since you shouldn't be having sex, etc. So the stakes are pretty low for one evening. I don't think you should have to say yes to a second date, but the bar should be pretty high for refusal if someone works up the nerve to ask you out. In fact, women complain all of the time about not being taken out for dates, rather than "hang-outs" or "hook-ups", but it appears that they only want to say yes to someone they already know they like. No wonder kids have a warped sense of dating.

[Anonymous]

It's okay to decline an invitation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: the bar should be pretty high for refusal if someone works up the nerve to ask you out. In fact, women complain all of the time about not being taken out for dates, rather than "hang-outs" or "hook-ups", but it appears that they only want to say yes to someone they already know they like. No wonder kids have a warped sense of dating.

I find this type of thinking very disturbing. A girl/woman doesn't owe anyone anything, including an evening of her life, just because they "worked up the nerve" to ask the girl/woman out. Girls/women are just as entitled to decide who they spend their time with as boys/men are. This kind of quid pro quo thinking has all sorts of unpleasant implications.

And to cap it off with "women complain all the time about not being taken out for dates," does not reflect a positive image of women.

I agree with you that dates should be low pressure and not imply sexual engagement, but as for the rest, please join us in the 21st century and recognize that women should be able to decide for themselves who they will and won't date.

[Anonymous]

Nicely written. PP, I hope you have a daughter!

[Anonymous]

Thanks! I have two! And a son, who is being taught the same autonomy values! ?

[Anonymous]

I think people might be under a misapprehension. I believe the invitation being "declined" by 10:51's son might be the blanket invitation that NCS issues to St. Albans as a school, as a courtesty to its brother school. St. Albans issues the same type of blanket invitation for non-date-specific dances (e.g. a "regular dance" vs. Homecoming or the Prom). Obviously there would be no issue whatsoever with any student declining that type of invitation (for that matter, not everybody goes to their own school's dances).

[Anonymous]

My son (a senior) received a personal (verbal) invitation each year from three different NCS girls.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My son (a senior) received a personal (verbal) invitation each year from three different NCS girls.

What do you want us to say?