Help me phrase this nicely

[Anonymous]

My parents live overseas and we only get to visit once a year. My in-laws are local to this area for most of the year except 2-3 months when they go overseas as well, to the same city my parents live in. The in-laws and parents are friends, and see each other often during these times. When my in-laws are here, we see a lot of them and they are a huge help with my young child. We all get along very well and I'm really grateful for all that they do.

This winter, I am going to be visiting my folks with my son for a month at the same time my in-laws will be there. My mother-in-law is already busy hatching plans for my time there. I want to tell her nicely that I would like to prioritize spending time with my folks at this time, since their time with their grandchild is much more limited and they won't likely see him again until next summer when they come to visit.

Any suggestions for how to do this nicely? We have a good relationship that I want to preserve. My husband isn't going to be there, so I'm on my own in dealing with this situation.

Thanks!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents live overseas and we only get to visit once a year. My in-laws are local to this area for most of the year except 2-3 months when they go overseas as well, to the same city my parents live in. The in-laws and parents are friends, and see each other often during these times. When my in-laws are here, we see a lot of them and they are a huge help with my young child. We all get along very well and I'm really grateful for all that they do.

This winter, I am going to be visiting my folks with my son for a month at the same time my in-laws will be there. My mother-in-law is already busy hatching plans for my time there. I want to tell her nicely that I would like to prioritize spending time with my folks at this time, since their time with their grandchild is much more limited and they won't likely see him again until next summer when they come to visit.

Any suggestions for how to do this nicely? We have a good relationship that I want to preserve. My husband isn't going to be there, so I'm on my own in dealing with this situation.

Thanks!

"MIL/FIL, you are amazing grandparents, and I know you understand how important it is for grandparents to have special time with grandkids. We're so glad we get to see you so often; we're very lucky that you live close. I hope you can appreciate that I want to give my parents the opportunity to have some special, one-on-one time with Little Billy. We look forward to seeing you a few times during the visit, but please note that I plan to focus on my parents this time." Then tell them exactly what dates/times/events you CAN spend a bit of time with them, so they don't' feel completely shut out.

[Anonymous]

Thanks! No, I wasn't planning to shut them out completely, and being prepared with a list of times that would work sounds good.

[Anonymous]

What the PP said was great!

I *hope* your ILs are sensible people who both realize how lucky they are to live nearby most of the time and see the time you overlap overseas as bonus time--normally they wouldn't see him at all, right? So lucky them to see him a couple times when they wouldn't normally.

[Anonymous]

I think I'd try to be less wordy. When she brings up a group activity just don't commit. Say something like, "I'll keep that in mind! My main priority is for Billy to spend some quality time with my parents, so I can't commit to that right now. Would you like to come to lunch on the 19th? We'd love to have you."

I think they just need a gentle reminder that this is your parent's time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents live overseas and we only get to visit once a year. My in-laws are local to this area for most of the year except 2-3 months when they go overseas as well, to the same city my parents live in. The in-laws and parents are friends, and see each other often during these times. When my in-laws are here, we see a lot of them and they are a huge help with my young child. We all get along very well and I'm really grateful for all that they do.

This winter, I am going to be visiting my folks with my son for a month at the same time my in-laws will be there. My mother-in-law is already busy hatching plans for my time there. I want to tell her nicely that I would like to prioritize spending time with my folks at this time, since their time with their grandchild is much more limited and they won't likely see him again until next summer when they come to visit.

Any suggestions for how to do this nicely? We have a good relationship that I want to preserve. My husband isn't going to be there, so I'm on my own in dealing with this situation.

Thanks!

I don't know. I think sending something like this could generate a lot of ill will. A lot. I would not send out anything like this. Rather, try to deal with the specific situations as they arise. For example if they want to do something over X date, say hey that timing isn't good but what about if we meet up on Y. Or be proactive in setting the schedule and let them know what it is, and the best times for you all to see them.




"MIL/FIL, you are amazing grandparents, and I know you understand how important it is for grandparents to have special time with grandkids. We're so glad we get to see you so often; we're very lucky that you live close. I hope you can appreciate that I want to give my parents the opportunity to have some special, one-on-one time with Little Billy. We look forward to seeing you a few times during the visit, but please note that I plan to focus on my parents this time." Then tell them exactly what dates/times/events you CAN spend a bit of time with them, so they don't' feel completely shut out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents live overseas and we only get to visit once a year. My in-laws are local to this area for most of the year except 2-3 months when they go overseas as well, to the same city my parents live in. The in-laws and parents are friends, and see each other often during these times. When my in-laws are here, we see a lot of them and they are a huge help with my young child. We all get along very well and I'm really grateful for all that they do.

This winter, I am going to be visiting my folks with my son for a month at the same time my in-laws will be there. My mother-in-law is already busy hatching plans for my time there. I want to tell her nicely that I would like to prioritize spending time with my folks at this time, since their time with their grandchild is much more limited and they won't likely see him again until next summer when they come to visit.

Any suggestions for how to do this nicely? We have a good relationship that I want to preserve. My husband isn't going to be there, so I'm on my own in dealing with this situation.

Thanks!

"MIL/FIL, you are amazing grandparents, and I know you understand how important it is for grandparents to have special time with grandkids. We're so glad we get to see you so often; we're very lucky that you live close. I hope you can appreciate that I want to give my parents the opportunity to have some special, one-on-one time with Little Billy. We look forward to seeing you a few times during the visit, but please note that I plan to focus on my parents this time." Then tell them exactly what dates/times/events you CAN spend a bit of time with them, so they don't' feel completely shut out.

I don't know. I think sending something like this could generate a lot of ill will. A lot. I would not send out anything like this. Rather, try to deal with the specific situations as they arise. For example if they want to do something over X date, say hey that timing isn't good but what about if we meet up on Y. Or be proactive in setting the schedule and let them know what it is, and the best times for you all to see them.

[Anonymous]

Your husband/partner should be laying these ground rules for his parents and you can reinforce as necessary during the trip.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think I'd try to be less wordy. When she brings up a group activity just don't commit. Say something like, "I'll keep that in mind! My main priority is for Billy to spend some quality time with my parents, so I can't commit to that right now. Would you like to come to lunch on the 19th? We'd love to have you."

I think they just need a gentle reminder that this is your parent's time.

A "reminder" is recalling to someone what they already know. If MIL is "hatching plans," she clearly doesn't know that the focus should be on special time with OP's parents. It needs to be clear now for this visit and to avoid this dynamic in the future.

The original suggested language was good.

[Anonymous]

Thanks all for the good suggestions!

[Anonymous]

I have to say, I always cringe when I hear these suggestions on what to say to in-laws, because if I were to say anything similar to my in-laws, it would cause a giant shit storm. And the more polite, nice, lengthy and explanatory it is, the worse the outcome.

Just another perspective, from someone with a very emotionally sensitive mother-in-law. Be thankful you don't have one of those. But in case you do, the only thing that has worked for me is: 1) communicate via DH (who is more well-versed in the nuances of his mom's dysfunctional communication) 2) keep it a super short, simple request without explanation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have to say, I always cringe when I hear these suggestions on what to say to in-laws, because if I were to say anything similar to my in-laws, it would cause a giant shit storm. And the more polite, nice, lengthy and explanatory it is, the worse the outcome.

Just another perspective, from someone with a very emotionally sensitive mother-in-law. Be thankful you don't have one of those. But in case you do, the only thing that has worked for me is: 1) communicate via DH (who is more well-versed in the nuances of his mom's dysfunctional communication) 2) keep it a super short, simple request without explanation.

+1

This is my experience, also. Hope your IL's are more reasonable and less self centered, OP.