curfew for 23-year old

[Anonymous]

My 23-year-old daughter is living with me until January (then she will be off to live in a foreign country for a year).
She graduated from college in May and has basically been away for years. She works as a bartender and keeps very late hours. After work, many people go out and she sometimes isn't home until 3am. Then, she is miserable because she is tired and isn't getting enough rest. So, myself and my 2 other children have to deal with a crabby, miserable person when she has an early shift the next day!
I understand that she is an adult but also believe "my house, my rules". I threatened to give her a curfew if see continues this miserable morning behavior. My thought is that if she gets enough sleep she will stop being so difficult.
Please tell me your thoughts? Should I give her a curfew? If she doesn't like it she is free to find another place to live for free!

[Anonymous]

Do not give her a curfew! Are you serious? Talk to her about her morning behavior. Like she's an adult. Which she is.

[Anonymous]

No, do NOT give her a curfew. She's an adult, so a curfew is inappropriate but the expectation of tolerable behavior is not.

[Anonymous]

Let her solve the problem as to why she is crabby.

You can, however, demand that she not be nasty or rude to anyone. You make it clear that you don't accept this adolescent behavior and that she's not welcome to stay with you if she behaves like a 14 year old.

[Anonymous]

No curfew but don't give her money. I would charge rent,but she is leaving soon, so I would not push it.

[Anonymous]

Tell her to change her attitude or she can pack her shit up and leave

[Anonymous]

She is going between being a kid living at home, so self-indulgent as far as expressing her moods, and being an adult with her own life and own schedule. When she is not tired and crabby, talk with her grownup-to-grownup and ask her how she thinks "we" can solve this problem.

[Anonymous]

Why is she living with you? There are plenty of 23 yr olds who really shouldn't be living at home - for the sake of the relationship. If she has the money to "go off to live in a foreign country for a year", she has the money to have made other choices. She should renting somewhere (even if living in someone else's basement) and supporting herself. Nothing wrong with the bartender/late night lifestyle, but she needs to fully support herself so she knows what her decisions mean in terms of monetary lifestyle.

[Anonymous]

You can't give a 23 year old a curfew.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why is she living with you? There are plenty of 23 yr olds who really shouldn't be living at home - for the sake of the relationship. If she has the money to "go off to live in a foreign country for a year", she has the money to have made other choices. She should renting somewhere (even if living in someone else's basement) and supporting herself. Nothing wrong with the bartender/late night lifestyle, but she needs to fully support herself so she knows what her decisions mean in terms of monetary lifestyle.

NP, and this isn't really helpful. Practically, I can see why she didn't get a place in May - many (most) places require a year lease, and if she knew she was leaving in January, easier to stay with mom. Also, although it wasn't my experience, I think a lot of kids move back in with their parents directly following graduation.

To answer your question, OP: a curfew is not really appropriate. However, it is your house, and it's not unacceptable to expect a certain level of decorum and conduct in the public areas of your house. Tell her she needs to keep it to herself if she's having a rough morning.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can't give a 23 year old a curfew.

This, seriously. You can talk to her about her attitude in the am, but no, you can't rewind the clock 8 years and give her a curfew.

[Anonymous]

What is she doing in the mornings that's so bad? Are you letting your other kids run in and disturb her?

[Anonymous]

You're an idiot.

[Anonymous]

Actually, you can. You can say that if she's not in by 1am, she needs to crash with a friend.

BUT, it doesn't sound like coming in late is the problem. I agree with the poster who says sit down with her and ask her how she suggests addressing this problem.

Treat her a little more like an adult roommate.

[Anonymous]

OP, I can relate -- my 20 year old moved back in with us for a semester after dropping out of college. Our issue was less about sleep-deprived behavior than about waking us up when she would come home really late (as well as keeping us awake with concern about where she is if she didn't let us know when she was coming home). We had a baby, and sleep was at a premium, and her dad just couldn't sleep until she was home in the house.

So we made an agreement -- she would either be home by midnight on a work night, or would let us know where she was staying by midnight. On the weekends we were more flexible.

It wasn't a "curfew", of course. There was no grounding or punishment or whatever. It was basically just a lesson of how to be courteous to each other. Neither my husband nor I would be away from home until after midnight without the other person letting us know where they'd be. So we had the same expectation of the other adult then living with us. We all agreed that it was a reasonable expectation.

She's 23 - what does she think is reasonable?