MIL wants to move to DC

[Anonymous]

My MIL has been saying she wants to move to DC (from Florida) for about 5 years. She lives alone, DH is an only child, she doesn't work, and really has no reason to be in Florida. The biggest issue for her moving here is cost - both the cost to buy something in DC and the cost of living. She's on a fixed income from an inheritance that isn't a lot of money. We don't have enough money to support her move here (we can help out a bit here and there). She has started ramping up the move to DC discussions recently and I think she's looking to sell her house in florida and actually pull the trigger. Aside from the financial disaster that I think this will be, i'm worried she has unrealistic expectations about how much she will see us. My husband works A LOT. We already have dinner once a week with my family and i'm sure we will do a once a week dinner with her, but beyond that I'm just not sure what she will do all day? Does anyone have any advice on how to talk through this with DH? His view - as far as I can tell - is that she's alone a lot in Florida, so it wont be that different for her here. I don't hate my MIL, but i'm not going to see her more than once a week.

[Anonymous]

She wants to live in your basement. Basically, are you comfortable with that?

It might be worth it if you WOTH and she's willing to watch the kids frequently.

Does she not have good friends or a social network in Florida? Siblings? Is she a widow? Where was DH raised?

[Anonymous]

I can see your DH's point. Being around her only child would be better for her as she gets older. If something were to happen to her, it would be easier for your DH to help her.

I would suggest she move to a cheaper area in the DC suburbs. Also, I'm assuming she knows your DH works alot. Maybe remind her that she wouldn't see DH very often. Once a week, at most. Set reasonable expectations up front.

[Anonymous]

Does she have friends and a life in Florida?
My MIL is alone a lot too and DH is also her only child, but if she moved here, she would miss out on her whole network of friends and activities and have only us.

Just typing that sentence gives me anxiety...

[Anonymous]

I think the conversation with DH should be about managing her expectations. You can't control whether or not she moves to the area.

Why don't you bring her up for a month or so to stay in one of those extended stay places? That way she can try it out and see how she likes it.

[Anonymous]

My parents considered moving from FL back up to MD and tried it out by visiting for a while. Long story short they realized that they couldn't handle the climate and seasonal allergies that they had forgotten about after a couple of decades in FL. I agree with PP's recommendation that it might be good for your MIL to rent a place short term to get a feel for what life will be like prior to actually selling her house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the conversation with DH should be about managing her expectations. You can't control whether or not she moves to the area.

Why don't you bring her up for a month or so to stay in one of those extended stay places? That way she can try it out and see how she likes it.

I proposed this and I think this is what we are going to suggest. She doesn't have many friends in Florida and just likes to spend time alone, so she claims that she will be fine not seeing us and just figuring things out on her own. And I do think you're right about managing her expectations, but my DH hates to ruffle feathers (generally, not just with his mom) and I don't think he will say to her "we will only see you once a week". I can say it, but that makes me the bad guy.

[Anonymous]

I think it's good to try it out. It's only going to get harder for your DH to care for her, and having her in the DC area might be a real convenience to you and to DH. Caring for elderly parents long-distance is really, really tough (and the travel expense is just awful).

But you need to hold your ground on making DH manage the relationship.

[Anonymous]

Why is this a bad thing and why just see her once a week? I see my MIL almost daily and it's a great thing. I am thrilled for my children to have family that is so invested. I would ask her to get a short term apartment rental to see if she likes that area enough to move. Perhaps she comes to the area a few months a year and also hangs out in FLorida for the great weather also.

[Anonymous]

Can you work out a deal where you help finance her now and she provides child care later? It doesn't sound like you have children at the moment, but daycare is radically expensive in DC.

[Anonymous]

Is her house in florida paid for?

I would have her do a test run in the winter here to see how she likes the weather.

If she owns the hous in Florida, could she winter down there and come up here and live in an extended stay type place throughout parts of the summer?

[Anonymous]

How old is she?

[Anonymous]

How old is she? Assuming she'll be able to drive for awhile barring any sudden incidents, looking WAAAYY out will help your budget. I don't mean like Olney or Vienna "way" out like DC posters like to say. I mean, like Hagerstown or Easton, MD or Culpeper or Front Royal, VA.

[Anonymous]

Retirees do better in MD than DC. There are some very nice communities that are reasonably priced where your MIL will also be able to make new friends and so not solely rely on you to fill her time. Look into Leisure World and places like that that have a range of ages and activities and living arrangements from homes to condos to apartments to assisted living, plus community amenities.

[Anonymous]

This is so sad. This poor woman is your family. Allow her into your heart and embrace her. That's only if she's a good person with good intentions, if she's toxic, then I don't know.