MIL wants to move to DC

[Anonymous]

OP here - she is in her early 60s, so hopefully lots of time before she goes downhill and needs care. We have two kids, both in school full time and are thinking about maybe having a third. We don't really need childcare help - we have a great nanny and I'd be very hesitant to swap the nanny for my MIL for two reasons: 1) nanny drives a lot - takes kids to/from school and activities and MIL isn't the best driver; 2) nanny does a lot of housework and cooking, as well as errands. We couldn't ask MIL to do that.

I wish she would look at a retirement community, but she doesn't think she's old and really wouldn't consider that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is so sad. This poor woman is your family. Allow her into your heart and embrace her. That's only if she's a good person with good intentions, if she's toxic, then I don't know.

She isn't toxic, per se, but I think it would create a toxic environment if she moved here with no intention of creating a life outside my husband and my kids. I'm not sure why that would be good for anyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the conversation with DH should be about managing her expectations. You can't control whether or not she moves to the area.

Why don't you bring her up for a month or so to stay in one of those extended stay places? That way she can try it out and see how she likes it.

I proposed this and I think this is what we are going to suggest. She doesn't have many friends in Florida and just likes to spend time alone, so she claims that she will be fine not seeing us and just figuring things out on her own. And I do think you're right about managing her expectations, but my DH hates to ruffle feathers (generally, not just with his mom) and I don't think he will say to her "we will only see you once a week". I can say it, but that makes me the bad guy.

I am trying to fathom a world with two working parents in which seeing someone once a week is "only" but rather a generous, frequent thing. Seeing someone more often than that they would need to live very close by.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why is this a bad thing and why just see her once a week? I see my MIL almost daily and it's a great thing. I am thrilled for my children to have family that is so invested. I would ask her to get a short term apartment rental to see if she likes that area enough to move. Perhaps she comes to the area a few months a year and also hangs out in FLorida for the great weather also.

Are you a SAHM? How does this work out logistically?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My MIL has been saying she wants to move to DC (from Florida) for about 5 years. She lives alone, DH is an only child, she doesn't work, and really has no reason to be in Florida. The biggest issue for her moving here is cost - both the cost to buy something in DC and the cost of living. She's on a fixed income from an inheritance that isn't a lot of money. We don't have enough money to support her move here (we can help out a bit here and there). She has started ramping up the move to DC discussions recently and I think she's looking to sell her house in florida and actually pull the trigger. Aside from the financial disaster that I think this will be, i'm worried she has unrealistic expectations about how much she will see us. My husband works A LOT. We already have dinner once a week with my family and i'm sure we will do a once a week dinner with her, but beyond that I'm just not sure what she will do all day? Does anyone have any advice on how to talk through this with DH? His view - as far as I can tell - is that she's alone a lot in Florida, so it wont be that different for her here. I don't hate my MIL, but i'm not going to see her more than once a week.

I would advise you to take a look at the MIL moving five minutes from me thread...

[Anonymous]

Has MIL handled her own money? She should be expected to know what she can afford. Op, nothing is keeping you and your husband from mentioning your expectation re being together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is so sad. This poor woman is your family. Allow her into your heart and embrace her. That's only if she's a good person with good intentions, if she's toxic, then I don't know.

She isn't toxic, per se, but I think it would create a toxic environment if she moved here with no intention of creating a life outside my husband and my kids. I'm not sure why that would be good for anyone.

This is what is happening, OP. She is going to make her life out of your family. As pp said, you can't stop her move but have DH manage what she thinks it will look like. What would give me great concern would be the financial piece. You say she can swing it moving here, but what about cost of living and unforeseen expenses. Does she have an emergency fund? Are you and DH her emergency fund?

[Anonymous]

OP you are really awful.

[Anonymous]

Omg, OP. can you imagine being in your 60's, with no family, no job, and your only child living far away? Your only child in the world? You begrudge her wanting to live near her son and his family?????

Imagine if only one of your children lived to adulthood and then married someone who wanted to keep you far away from his/her family.

Do you have any empathy at all? Yikes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Omg, OP. can you imagine being in your 60's, with no family, no job, and your only child living far away? Your only child in the world? You begrudge her wanting to live near her son and his family?????

Imagine if only one of your children lived to adulthood and then married someone who wanted to keep you far away from his/her family.

Do you have any empathy at all? Yikes.

OP ignore these crazy people who invest their lives in their children. I want to raise my children to independent and enjoy their lives, not to live to care for me because I'm too lazy/insecure to build a life and make friends on my own.

No doubt the daily MIL poster is SAHM, that's a totally different dynamic. And likely have more money in the pot I suspect (b/c SAHM is not for middle class).

MIL needs to get over herself and look st leisure world. They are a lot of fun and my friends dad loved living at the villages in FL which is similar.

[Anonymous]

We are trying to care for in-laws that are aging (late 70's) and have chosen to live far away from family and it is very, very difficult. There comes a time when even the best prepared adults need help managing their medical and living arrangements. If she can downsize and move now it might work out better in the long-run.

For right now, seeing her once a week sounds really reasonable, especially if you are both working. As your kids get older though it would be great to have grandparents in town willing to go to games, watch performances etc. of your kids. Those things don't involve having someone in your house but are really meaningful to the kids and helpful to the adults (because as working parents, you wont' be able to be there for all of those things as the kids get older).

[Anonymous]

You could establish once a week date night where MIL watches the kids and you go out.

There may be downsides to having her so close, but don't ignore the upsides. The kids would have a grandmother around.

[Anonymous]

What happens after five years?