Doormats deserve it

[Anonymous]

I've read so many threads where people know what to do to address a problem--speak up--and they simply won't do it.

"My cousins are taking items while cleaning my grandma's house without checking with far-away grandkids"
"My MIL 'insists' on visiting frequently without asking or helping with our new baby"
"My husband doesn't do his fair share of chores"
"My mother and father don't spend enough time with their only grandkids"

Speak up! Or don't, but recognize it is your choice. People aren't mind readers. They are going to naturally look out for their own interests and agendas, not yours. If you don't speak up, you are essentially giving them permission to do whatever is bothering you, because they either honestly don't know what your concerns are, or they know they can get their way because you are a ninny.

And of course I'm not talking about actual abuse here. If that is your situation, please seek professional help, or confide in a trusted friend.

I'm talking about "everyday" issues. If something bothers you, speak up, or at least stop blaming others for not understanding your point of view and adjusting their behavior.

And please, no "introvert" excuses. I'm one, too, and I've learned to operate in the adult world.

[Anonymous]

Op, this is a place where people seek advice. Speak up is not advice. It is a directive, and perhaps a starting point, but it is not advice. Family situations are complex. Often people need help determining language to use -- even people who are not doormats.

And frankly, Sherman Tanks like you often need the most advice because they have no idea other people have feelings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, this is a place where people seek advice. Speak up is not advice. It is a directive, and perhaps a starting point, but it is not advice. Family situations are complex. Often people need help determining language to use -- even people who are not doormats.

And frankly, Sherman Tanks like you often need the most advice because they have no idea other people have feelings.

+10000

OP, if you are an only child, be grateful and shut it.

[Anonymous]

To borrow the word from the OP, you all are a bunch of "ninnies."

"Speak up" IS good advice. It starts there. In 99% of family situations, it starts there. Yes, you have to think about dynamics/personalities, and what you'll say in advance. No, it's not easy. But if you aren't willing to speak up and make your wants and needs known, then you have no one to blame but yourself when things don't go the way you want them to. No one can see inside your head and heart and know what's going on.

Speak up, or accept the consequences of other people's choices and ways forward.

[Anonymous]

I agree that people in these situations generally need to be more assertive. However, I also think OP in a China shop, and "assertive" doesn't mean "loud, rude and intransigent."

[Anonymous]

Clearly this poster has never dealt with borderline mentally ill people who insist on dramatizing everything.

In other words, what you think of as rationally and firmly telling MIL you'd like her to call before coming by and seeing if it is convenient, she will take as "they don't love me and they don't want me in their lives and first they'll ask me to call and then they'll move with no forwarding address . . " and this will be reported to your other similarly insane relatives who will then attempt to organize an intervention with you because you're "thinking of disowning your MIL" or some such thing.

Rational behavior and speaking up only works if the people you are dealing with are similarly rational. That's a big, big assumption.

[Anonymous]

OP, my sister and her husband and his cousin cleared out my mother's house without telling me. How was I supposed to speak up?

Get everything in writing is my advice! Speak up is nothing unless the law is on your side.

Get a will. Get a pre-nup. Get it in writing!

[Anonymous]

I agree with OPs theory.

People will only continue to treat you they way you let them. You either have to accept it (that doesn't mean like it but sometimes that is what has to be done) or make is clear what you will & won't tolerate and stand by it.

Either way, stop whining about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, my sister and her husband and his cousin cleared out my mother's house without telling me. How was I supposed to speak up?

Get everything in writing is my advice! Speak up is nothing unless the law is on your side.

Get a will. Get a pre-nup. Get it in writing!

Who was the executor? Did you go to the executor or the lawyer?

No?

Then you didn't speak up, and you let her get away with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Clearly this poster has never dealt with borderline mentally ill people who insist on dramatizing everything.

In other words, what you think of as rationally and firmly telling MIL you'd like her to call before coming by and seeing if it is convenient, she will take as "they don't love me and they don't want me in their lives and first they'll ask me to call and then they'll move with no forwarding address . . " and this will be reported to your other similarly insane relatives who will then attempt to organize an intervention with you because you're "thinking of disowning your MIL" or some such thing.

Rational behavior and speaking up only works if the people you are dealing with are similarly rational. That's a big, big assumption.

Who cares what crazy MIL says/does, or what other crazies say/do? You do what you want and need to do. They can either deal with it or not. What, someone's going to call you a bitch? Not invite you to a family picnic?

OK!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, my sister and her husband and his cousin cleared out my mother's house without telling me. How was I supposed to speak up?

Get everything in writing is my advice! Speak up is nothing unless the law is on your side.

Get a will. Get a pre-nup. Get it in writing!

Who was the executor? Did you go to the executor or the lawyer?

No?

Then you didn't speak up, and you let her get away with it.

It was first come, first serve. There was nothing in writing. It was my sister's husband who encouraged her to not tell me when they were going through the house. My sister was always loyal to me. My father was still alive but grief stricken, and he also was side-swiped.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, my sister and her husband and his cousin cleared out my mother's house without telling me. How was I supposed to speak up?

Get everything in writing is my advice! Speak up is nothing unless the law is on your side.

Get a will. Get a pre-nup. Get it in writing!

Who was the executor? Did you go to the executor or the lawyer?

No?

Then you didn't speak up, and you let her get away with it.

It was first come, first serve. There was nothing in writing. It was my sister's husband who encouraged her to not tell me when they were going through the house. My sister was always loyal to me. My father was still alive but grief stricken, and he also was side-swiped.

Then get a lawyer and take action.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, my sister and her husband and his cousin cleared out my mother's house without telling me. How was I supposed to speak up?

Get everything in writing is my advice! Speak up is nothing unless the law is on your side.

Get a will. Get a pre-nup. Get it in writing!

Who was the executor? Did you go to the executor or the lawyer?

No?

Then you didn't speak up, and you let her get away with it.

Hey simpleton, sometimes the executors are self designated and more sneaky. That doesn't make them right. It makes them an awful person, as well as a thief. Try to follow along and keep up. Thankfully, not everyone is like you.

[Anonymous]

Calling another woman doormat and saying they deserve that treatment is a total hateful cunt move IMHO.

I don't use the c word very often but when I do, OP deserves it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, my sister and her husband and his cousin cleared out my mother's house without telling me. How was I supposed to speak up?

Get everything in writing is my advice! Speak up is nothing unless the law is on your side.

Get a will. Get a pre-nup. Get it in writing!

Who was the executor? Did you go to the executor or the lawyer?

No?

Then you didn't speak up, and you let her get away with it.

It was first come, first serve. There was nothing in writing. It was my sister's husband who encouraged her to not tell me when they were going through the house. My sister was always loyal to me. My father was still alive but grief stricken, and he also was side-swiped.

Where is your claim to these things? They belonged to your dad, apparently. I also don't understand the outrage of the other post because these cousins are clearing things out. She seems only upset that she's not getting her shot also.