Doormats deserve it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's hard to be assertive in ways that will hurt people you love. And most of the people who post here love their troublesome family member or the things they do wouldn't hurt them. You come across as someone who has never had to seriously deal with emotional fallout from telling a loved one you're not speaking to them, cutting them off, etc. Actually your advice is just a cudgel. It doesn't consider the nuance of family relationships- "speaking up" to a sister might mean losing contact with nieces and nephews. It has to be juggled carefully. You think if people don't go in scorched earth they're doormats. They're not always. You just have no idea what you're talking about.

+1000

+2000

She sounds like the person who says "I don't get it! Why don't junkies just PUT the needle down? Why don't drunks wake up one day and stop drinking? Why can't my kid with a learning disability just BE different?"

Addictions and learning disabilities have physical/biological components that make them unavoidable. Not standing up to an abusive relative and allowing them to be part of your life and to constantly steamroll you is a choice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's hard to be assertive in ways that will hurt people you love. And most of the people who post here love their troublesome family member or the things they do wouldn't hurt them. You come across as someone who has never had to seriously deal with emotional fallout from telling a loved one you're not speaking to them, cutting them off, etc. Actually your advice is just a cudgel. It doesn't consider the nuance of family relationships- "speaking up" to a sister might mean losing contact with nieces and nephews. It has to be juggled carefully. You think if people don't go in scorched earth they're doormats. They're not always. You just have no idea what you're talking about.

Not OP, but he or she is right. You have to realize it's not about you. You make your decisions and boundaries, and work with reasonable people when possible/as appropriate. But participating in a toxic relationship makes you toxic--and part of the problem.

Oh shut up. Let me know when one of your kids is an incorrigible fuck up and you cease to participate in the relationship on the basis of being reasonable. It can be hard to say "I can never ever have a decent relationship with this person I love because there's no hope of it ever being okay." If you love that person, you want that hope.

[Anonymous]

OP, your assertion is appalling, unkind and ignorant.

Doormats are raised from childhood to subjugate their needs to others. It takes some life experience in adulthood to learn that they are a doormat, that being a doormat doesn't work for them, and that they need to be assertive. And assertiveness requires practice, too. No one gets an assertiveness package when they turn 18 and it doesn't just turn on with a switch.

To say they deserve what they get gives those who take advantage of others a green light, but those are the people that should be shamed. No child deserves that kind of childhood or start in life, and no one deserves be to taken advantage of.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, my sister and her husband and his cousin cleared out my mother's house without telling me. How was I supposed to speak up?

Get everything in writing is my advice! Speak up is nothing unless the law is on your side.

Get a will. Get a pre-nup. Get it in writing!

If there is a will, what is the next step? Litigation/criminal charges with the relatives?