My dad is killing my soul and devouring my family's spirit,

[Anonymous]

Such a long story. My dad ran off when I was 10. I had no contact with him until my teens. He remarried and tried to be a dad in between stints in jail and rehab. Later on he favored the stepkids and pretty much treated us like crap except when he needed something. Recently his wife has had both her feet amputated due to diabetes and can't care for him. He has early stage dementia as well as diabetes, kidney failure and congestive heart failure. Surprisingly he keeps plugging away, living in a dream state while I am solely responsible for his care.
Now, before you call me a doormat realize that he was left alone, near death when the police found him and after exhausting all other options, brought him to my home, where he has lived for the past 4 months. I brought him here because although he has been a jerk to me throughout my life, the last few years he has been ok. I didn't want to see him hurt. I am still his daughter. My brothers are smart enough to stay away and I don't burden them with his problems.
The main issue is what he is doing to my family. My kids are traumatized by his absolutely insane behavior. Yelling, screaming, cussing, plus he has cyclic vomiting disorder and pukes daily. Our only break is dialysis and that's three times a week. He is filthy, has diarrhea all over, removes his undergarments and walks around naked. He also has good days where we talk and laugh and he even helps out.
Why haven't I moved him into a care center you ask? Well he has no assets, nothing. He has a tiny pension and the clothes on his back. Medicaid is in the process of approving him for level 4 care but the hurdles are never ending, he is too far gone for assisted living, and not needy enough for memory care. He has been turned down from 6 foster homes, and I can't blame them. He gets $1500 a month from disability and $200 pension. His meds alone are 600$ out of pocket. Co pays are about 300$ ,supplies 200$ and food 200$, plus he needed New dentures and we paid for them. We just can't afford private care. So we wait and hope.
My marriage is suffering, my dh has been wonderful but the stress is getting to all of us, I just spent 4 days in the hospital with an infection and my husband took care of my dad, cleaning up his shite and vomit all while being kind to my dad. My drs feel the stress is harming me. WTF do I do? Drop him off at a hospital? I could get charged with elderly abuse. My brothers will.not.help. Step siblings had him trespasses from their property. My in laws take our four kids out of the house for a break, but no one will touch my dad. I can't even get respite care because of his crazy diabetes. Any suggestions would be helpful. Please don't be mean or smart assy, I know it's fun, but honestly I couldn't take it. There are many smart people on here with a wide variety if life experiences and that is why am am asking for advice here. Thank you kindly.

[Anonymous]

Wow that is rough. I'm sorry.

[Anonymous]

No advice, just sympathy.

[Anonymous]

Oh, OP, I'm so sorry, I hope somebody more knowledgeable can come up with some advice. You are such a generous person to help your father in this way.

Why exactly does he have incontinence and vomit?
Can this be treated?
What about his moods? Do you think any of this are side-effects from meds? If so, could you get him to switch or change the dose?
My husband, a doctor, had to fight to get his father off an SSRI which gave him Parkinson's symptoms. The psychiatrist would not budge until DH strode into his office with his Dad and gave him what for. This may not apply to you, but I'm just commiserating that medical treatments of so many things must be really hard to manage.

Big virtual hug!

[Anonymous]

If he gets hospitalized, Medicare will pay for some nursing home time. Another thought is call Adult Protective Services and ask for assistance. Some nursing homes will take a Medicaid pending patient that has good family support - the family support is important because family needs to complete the Medicaid application.

[Anonymous]

I'd start looking for a public social worker sort of resource and make clear that you cannot care for him.

If you bring him to a hospital, he would presumably be admitted and I suspect they'd then be able to find him a place to go. Best bet is coordinating with social service or elder care agency to learn options.

I doubt you can be charged with abuse by admitting that you cannot care for him.

[Anonymous]

I guess the first thing is to get him approved for Medicaid coverage and perhaps you should look into getting a disability lawyer to help push along his case. I am not sure what the fee for this service would be. Also contact the Department of Social Services to see if there is any way to get a Social Worker for your Dad as he is basically homeless if not in your home, and it is obvious that his needs are way beyond the capacity of you and your family to care for him now. Also find out about the Elderly and Disabled Waiver so that once he is approved for Medicaid until another placement for long-term care is found, you could get daily help in up to I believe 20 hours a week to help with his self-care etc. Also it would at least help pay for respite if you could find a worker at the rates offered in your home to give you time to be with your family. You need to keep pushing the system to get him approved and stay strong that he needs to be out of your home. There is a reason your brothers etc. are not getting involved,

[Anonymous]

I wonder if you could get him committed for mental health reasons?

[Anonymous]

We had an extremely similar situation with my dad. It was soul sucking and horrific. The Medicaid process is a nightmare. We had to wait and finally got approved and moved into nursing care. Do call a social worker. They have tons of resources to help you.

[Anonymous]

I think Adult Protective Services or something like it.

You and your husband need to be prepared for them to fight you on taking him off your hands. But holy shit, that is a HUGE amount of difficulty you're dealing with. Your health and your kids must remain your first priority. So don't let social workers shove you off, okay?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think Adult Protective Services or something like it.

You and your husband need to be prepared for them to fight you on taking him off your hands. But holy shit, that is a HUGE amount of difficulty you're dealing with. Your health and your kids must remain your first priority. So don't let social workers shove you off, okay?

This. They will try to convince you that he is your responsibility, or get you to sign something that says that you are ultimately responsible for him. The next time he needs hospitalization (and set that bar low), take him to the ER and tell them you will not allow him to come home with you. They can't throw him out. They will try to guilt you, make you feel like a burden to society, etc.. Just keep repeating that you're sorry, but it's not possible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think Adult Protective Services or something like it.

You and your husband need to be prepared for them to fight you on taking him off your hands. But holy shit, that is a HUGE amount of difficulty you're dealing with. Your health and your kids must remain your first priority. So don't let social workers shove you off, okay?

This. They will try to convince you that he is your responsibility, or get you to sign something that says that you are ultimately responsible for him. The next time he needs hospitalization (and set that bar low), take him to the ER and tell them you will not allow him to come home with you. They can't throw him out. They will try to guilt you, make you feel like a burden to society, etc.. Just keep repeating that you're sorry, but it's not possible.

I agree. Don't let anyone guilt you into taking him back. Unless they've been in your position, they have no idea what this does to your own mental health.

[Anonymous]

The advice about the next hospitalization is very important. And if you can have made contact with the local social services person for adult cases it will be a conduit for the hospital social worker to deal with. If you do not already have receipts do make a detailed listing of his monthly income as stated and exactly how it is spent. Medicaid in any case would pick up the coverage for a lot of medications so the money he receives would offset a nursing home's monthly fee to a limited degree. His health needs with dementia and the digestive issues do sound like he needs skilled nursing to deal with medication management, hydration, excalating behaviors. Another factor is that if he you feel he is a danger to your children that is another reason to find a long-term placement with appropriate supports. Remember his lifestyle and choices have brought him to this point n life to a great degree, and you have gone above and beyond.

[Anonymous]

Take him to there check him in and leave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Take him to there check him in and leave.

This is what i would do. Harsh, but he bailed on you when you were a kid with far less justification. There is no way you should be looking after him at home under these circumstances.