How to remembwrite an alcoholic grandfather

[Anonymous]

I don't know how else to title this. My FIL passed last year of cirrhosis of the liver. He was a functional alcoholic. Charming and witty until the last couple years, but still. My kids are younger as I'm married to the youngest so missed really his good years. The family line is that he lived life on his own terms and had a good time doing it. Meanwhile as basically a newcomer to the family I think he was a wonderful guy in the grip of a disease. The problem is that I have been straight forward with the kids and said he died because he drank too much alcohol. DH is on board with that. The problem as we get closer to Thanksgiving and our visit is that that isn't the party line. We're all supposed to go along with this "he was a free spirit " idea which is very confusing to my kids. They saw him be erratic because of the drinking and DH and I tried to mitigate it as much as possible, but it's hard when staying at the family home. So, do I just tell the kids other people have different ideas, or say that it's really hard to say that someone you loved had a problem? Tough stuff this.

[Anonymous]

Ugh, I wish people who wrote things like this would remember to say how old their kids are.

[Anonymous]

OP here. They are 14, 11, 8 and 2 - all girls if that matters. The two oldest have spent the most time with my in laws because we sent them to stay with DHs brother for a week in the summer for 3 years once they turned 8.

[Anonymous]

Just tell the three oldest that sometimes when people were very close with someone who died, they refuse to think of the bad things about them because they only want to remember the good. Tell them it's not their place to correct anyone even in a subtle way (I thought Grandpa died because he drank too much?) and if they have any questions they can ask AFTER you have all left the house and are alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just tell the three oldest that sometimes when people were very close with someone who died, they refuse to think of the bad things about them because they only want to remember the good. Tell them it's not their place to correct anyone even in a subtle way (I thought Grandpa died because he drank too much?) and if they have any questions they can ask AFTER you have all left the house and are alone.

this.

[Anonymous]

The family is allowed to have good memories and tell fun stories about him -- he was still their father. Being an alcoholic doesn't diminish him as a person or as a beloved father. Now, that doesn't mean fun stories about his drunk driving or binge drinking should be encouraged around kids, but I really think that the kids have gotten the point that Grandpa had a problem. Enough said. Don't be a scold.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The family is allowed to have good memories and tell fun stories about him -- he was still their father. Being an alcoholic doesn't diminish him as a person or as a beloved father. Now, that doesn't mean fun stories about his drunk driving or binge drinking should be encouraged around kids, but I really think that the kids have gotten the point that Grandpa had a problem. Enough said. Don't be a scold.

Agree

[Anonymous]

WTF is "remembwrite?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know how else to title this. My FIL passed last year of cirrhosis of the liver. He was a functional alcoholic. Charming and witty until the last couple years, but still. My kids are younger as I'm married to the youngest so missed really his good years. The family line is that he lived life on his own terms and had a good time doing it. Meanwhile as basically a newcomer to the family I think he was a wonderful guy in the grip of a disease. The problem is that I have been straight forward with the kids and said he died because he drank too much alcohol. DH is on board with that. The problem as we get closer to Thanksgiving and our visit is that that isn't the party line. We're all supposed to go along with this "he was a free spirit " idea which is very confusing to my kids. They saw him be erratic because of the drinking and DH and I tried to mitigate it as much as possible, but it's hard when staying at the family home. So, do I just tell the kids other people have different ideas, or say that it's really hard to say that someone you loved had a problem? Tough stuff this.

It's a holiday. People shouldn't have to deal with horrible memories and unpleasant topics on the holiday. Say what you want at home and shut your mouth over Thanksgiving.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The family is allowed to have good memories and tell fun stories about him -- he was still their father. Being an alcoholic doesn't diminish him as a person or as a beloved father. Now, that doesn't mean fun stories about his drunk driving or binge drinking should be encouraged around kids, but I really think that the kids have gotten the point that Grandpa had a problem. Enough said. Don't be a scold.

I don't think it's about trying to diminish him or harp on "But he was an alcoholic!"

Alcoholism is a disease. The problem is when we are not honest with are skeletons in the closet no matter if they are alcoholism, mental health, LDs, it makes it a lot harder for our kids. They need to know things from a health prospective in case they are encountering them too.

Patrick Kennedy is facing a lot of backlash from his family over his book about his family's struggle with alcoholism:
https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/the-fix/wp/2015/10/05/in-putting-a-political-familys-secrets-out-in-the-open-patrick-kennedy-is-hardly-the-first/

It's not unusual for people in the same family to have different narratives/experiences with the same thing. Personally OP, I think your oldest two are ready to be educated about alcoholism. I don't think you use their grandfather as the primary example, but you can mention how this affected him too. Please remember, it is a disease. I think you should approach Al-Anon for help b/f moving forward in any case.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The family is allowed to have good memories and tell fun stories about him -- he was still their father. Being an alcoholic doesn't diminish him as a person or as a beloved father. Now, that doesn't mean fun stories about his drunk driving or binge drinking should be encouraged around kids, but I really think that the kids have gotten the point that Grandpa had a problem. Enough said. Don't be a scold.

I don't think it's about trying to diminish him or harp on "But he was an alcoholic!"

Alcoholism is a disease. The problem is when we are not honest with are skeletons in the closet no matter if they are alcoholism, mental health, LDs, it makes it a lot harder for our kids. They need to know things from a health prospective in case they are encountering them too.

Patrick Kennedy is facing a lot of backlash from his family over his book about his family's struggle with alcoholism:
https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/the-fix/wp/2015/10/05/in-putting-a-political-familys-secrets-out-in-the-open-patrick-kennedy-is-hardly-the-first/

It's not unusual for people in the same family to have different narratives/experiences with the same thing. Personally OP, I think your oldest two are ready to be educated about alcoholism. I don't think you use their grandfather as the primary example, but you can mention how this affected him too. Please remember, it is a disease. I think you should approach Al-Anon for help b/f moving forward in any case.

But you don't have to do that over Thanksgiving dinner. If you do that over Thanksgiving dinner, you are being a harpy and a buzzkill.

[Anonymous]

What's your question?

[Anonymous]

Is it really going to come up how Grandpa died? Can't people tell stories about how warm and wonderful Gpa was without someone else saying "yeah and he drank himself to his grave"? Just agree, "yes he was wonderful in a lot of ways" and silently say to yourself "except for the booze".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The family is allowed to have good memories and tell fun stories about him -- he was still their father. Being an alcoholic doesn't diminish him as a person or as a beloved father. Now, that doesn't mean fun stories about his drunk driving or binge drinking should be encouraged around kids, but I really think that the kids have gotten the point that Grandpa had a problem. Enough said. Don't be a scold.

I don't think it's about trying to diminish him or harp on "But he was an alcoholic!"

Alcoholism is a disease. The problem is when we are not honest with are skeletons in the closet no matter if they are alcoholism, mental health, LDs, it makes it a lot harder for our kids. They need to know things from a health prospective in case they are encountering them too.

Patrick Kennedy is facing a lot of backlash from his family over his book about his family's struggle with alcoholism:
https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/the-fix/wp/2015/10/05/in-putting-a-political-familys-secrets-out-in-the-open-patrick-kennedy-is-hardly-the-first/

It's not unusual for people in the same family to have different narratives/experiences with the same thing. Personally OP, I think your oldest two are ready to be educated about alcoholism. I don't think you use their grandfather as the primary example, but you can mention how this affected him too. Please remember, it is a disease. I think you should approach Al-Anon for help b/f moving forward in any case.

Educating a child about alcoholism is fine. It should be done for every child. But alcoholics are still people who can be beloved by their family members. I get the notion that it's confusing for these children to hear sentimental stories about grandpa while mom tells them about the evils of alcoholism and the horrors of a cirrhosis death. Children are very black and white in their thinking. They tend to think that persons labeled with terms like alcoholic are evil. If they hear fond memories, they grow confused.

I think OP needs to back off. These children are too young to understand that family relationships and lives are more complex than saying tropes like "Grandpa was an alcoholic." Yes, there is a danger of becoming a scold here, especially since these children themselves are at genetic risk of alcoholism. Alcoholics can be beloved and can love others. They can be full fledged family members. And holidays are not the time for a morality tale about Grandpa. Really, OP.

[Anonymous]

You should also point out to the kids that despite Aunty Larla's Ph.D, she's overweight and has never married.

Uncle Larlo needs to get his teeth fixed.

Definitely find fault with everyone. I mean, these are only their blood relatives, but it's your duty to tear them down as much as possible. Why allow the kids to see their good side?