Has anyone here allowed the state to take gaurdianship over a parent or sibling?

[Anonymous]

Long story short, my MIL has been declared mentally incompetent and the state has decided (since she has a very long history of repeated involuntary hospital holds and getting in trouble with the law/financially while off her meds) to appoint a permanent guardian. There are three kids - one is a paranoid schizophrenic like MIL, one has severe depression and last is my H. She was an only child.

We are a family with 2 young kids. MIL cannot live with us - she goes off her meds repeatedly and does things that deem her an unsafe person to be around. We also do not have the means to help her financially (well, we do, but not in an amount that would truly help). She also lives in a state that provides significantly more support to someone in her situation than our state (VA).

So, they (mental health facility) need a guardian and asked H. After discussing it, we are inclined to say no. We are several states away and we have tried our best over the last 15 years to manage the situation but, as anyone who has dealt with a loved one the severe mental issues knows, that is very difficult. Plus, her actions have reached a point where my children are unfortunately scared of her (I posted about this before, sadly).

So, has anyone allowed the state to take over? I cannot help but think, at this point, that may be the best thing.

[Anonymous]

I don't think that being the guardian of an adult means that you are financially responsible for her or that she would need to live with you. Rather, it means that your DH would be responsible for decision-making. I would be very hesitant to let the state make medical decisions for her.

[Anonymous]

No experience with this, OP, but just want to say that it seems entirely appropriate to let the state take guardianship. It sounds like it would be a crushing responsibility that would not be in your children's best interest. Best wishes.

[Anonymous]

I'd get more information about what's involved in being a guardian. When my family went through this with an adult relative, it didn't mean they become financially responsible or needed to provide housing, it was more about having legal rights to make decisions for the person, being able to apply for benefits on their behalf, etc. Case workers certainly might pressure you to also take the person in and provide financial support so that the state doesn't have to take on the expense, but that doesn't mean it's actually required.

[Anonymous]

Wow. Your husband doesn't want to be his mother's guardian? He'd rather turn that over to the state?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think that being the guardian of an adult means that you are financially responsible for her or that she would need to live with you. Rather, it means that your DH would be responsible for decision-making. I would be very hesitant to let the state make medical decisions for her.

I think it is more than medical. Medical power of attorney would limit responsibility to medical decisions - permanent guardianship makes the incompetent person your ward - like a parent over a child.

[Anonymous]

OP- As the pp suggests, I would first find out exactly what guardianship entails. But if your husband decides to punt on taking guardianship, don't let anyone guilt him about it. These situations have no winners and unless someone has dealt with a person like this in their life, they have no idea what it is like.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP- As the pp suggests, I would first find out exactly what guardianship entails. But if your husband decides to punt on taking guardianship, don't let anyone guilt him about it. These situations have no winners and unless someone has dealt with a person like this in their life, they have no idea what it is like.

I have reviewed the paperwork and the laws - it is financial, property, etc. We become accountable for her (yes, that term - accountable for your ward - is used). If it was limited to medical decisions, we would not be hesitant.

To the PP saying "wow", I will assume you have not dealt with a severely mentally ill family member. She once started a fire in our house to rid it of the cameras watching over her. That is what we are dealing with.

[Anonymous]

If I was your DH I would say no, the "accountable, financial, and property" stuff is just too much. What if your MIL went off her meds, left the hospital, and did something really bad? Your DH might be held personally liable and sued. You could lose your house and everything. I wouldn't do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd get more information about what's involved in being a guardian. When my family went through this with an adult relative, it didn't mean they become financially responsible or needed to provide housing, it was more about having legal rights to make decisions for the person, being able to apply for benefits on their behalf, etc. Case workers certainly might pressure you to also take the person in and provide financial support so that the state doesn't have to take on the expense, but that doesn't mean it's actually required.

I cannot imagine a government agency pressuring you to take her in. I really don't see that happening.

There could be some possible hassles involved, for example you might be responsible for updating her assistance every year (like Medicaid, possibly). And when that time comes around, you really need to be on top of your game so her benefits don't end. If she's NOT receiving SSI or SSDI, you might be required to arrange for her medical review (Medicaid requires a medical review if she isn't already determined disabled by the SSA, which involves obtaining medical records). I would talk to the mental health facility (is she residing there permanently?) about how this would work seeing as you don't live near her. I'm sure there are other responsibilities that I'm not aware of as well.

But you need to get your answers from a professional. Talk with the mental health facility, and maybe even a lawyer before making your decision.

[Anonymous]

We are in the process of trying to do it. Becoming guardian gives you responsibility to make decisions. You generally are not financially responsible in less you agree to be. She should have her own social security income that you would manage. I would not allow the state to do it. Then you have no rights as family. I would absolutely do it.

[Anonymous]

OP here - I do not know if the mental health facility will hold her permanently. There has not been a determination made yet on that aspect of her care. We would prefer that - the only time she has been safe and happy over the last 15 plus years was the 4 months she spent in a facility after a breakdown. She even made friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd get more information about what's involved in being a guardian. When my family went through this with an adult relative, it didn't mean they become financially responsible or needed to provide housing, it was more about having legal rights to make decisions for the person, being able to apply for benefits on their behalf, etc. Case workers certainly might pressure you to also take the person in and provide financial support so that the state doesn't have to take on the expense, but that doesn't mean it's actually required.

I cannot imagine a government agency pressuring you to take her in. I really don't see that happening.

There could be some possible hassles involved, for example you might be responsible for updating her assistance every year (like Medicaid, possibly). And when that time comes around, you really need to be on top of your game so her benefits don't end. If she's NOT receiving SSI or SSDI, you might be required to arrange for her medical review (Medicaid requires a medical review if she isn't already determined disabled by the SSA, which involves obtaining medical records). I would talk to the mental health facility (is she residing there permanently?) about how this would work seeing as you don't live near her. I'm sure there are other responsibilities that I'm not aware of as well.

But you need to get your answers from a professional. Talk with the mental health facility, and maybe even a lawyer before making your decision.

OP here - thank you. We will talk to someone. I should add that my H has ADHD and some anxiety. He can only handle his mother is small doses - she was not a good mother to him growing up.

Given his ADHD, I have to handle all our personal finances. He is a beyond wonderful man, but tracking, organizing and following up on things is not something he is good at. So most of the leg work would fall on me. And that is fine except that we already learned, when he was durable power of attorney, no one would actually let me help him. So it was a lot for him to keep up with (especially because she was constantly opening and closing bank accounts, etc. to keep her money safe).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd get more information about what's involved in being a guardian. When my family went through this with an adult relative, it didn't mean they become financially responsible or needed to provide housing, it was more about having legal rights to make decisions for the person, being able to apply for benefits on their behalf, etc. Case workers certainly might pressure you to also take the person in and provide financial support so that the state doesn't have to take on the expense, but that doesn't mean it's actually required.

I cannot imagine a government agency pressuring you to take her in. I really don't see that happening.

There could be some possible hassles involved, for example you might be responsible for updating her assistance every year (like Medicaid, possibly). And when that time comes around, you really need to be on top of your game so her benefits don't end. If she's NOT receiving SSI or SSDI, you might be required to arrange for her medical review (Medicaid requires a medical review if she isn't already determined disabled by the SSA, which involves obtaining medical records). I would talk to the mental health facility (is she residing there permanently?) about how this would work seeing as you don't live near her. I'm sure there are other responsibilities that I'm not aware of as well.

But you need to get your answers from a professional. Talk with the mental health facility, and maybe even a lawyer before making your decision.

OP here - thank you. We will talk to someone. I should add that my H has ADHD and some anxiety. He can only handle his mother is small doses - she was not a good mother to him growing up.

Given his ADHD, I have to handle all our personal finances. He is a beyond wonderful man, but tracking, organizing and following up on things is not something he is good at. So most of the leg work would fall on me. And that is fine except that we already learned, when he was durable power of attorney, no one would actually let me help him. So it was a lot for him to keep up with (especially because she was constantly opening and closing bank accounts, etc. to keep her money safe).

Then, you both become guardian. That is what we are doing. My husband has power of attorney and the facility will not recognize it. I handle everything and they are now claiming they will only deal with him. However, they are not recognizing power of attorney and refusing to allow us to be involved in any matters from financial to medial. If you both give up guardianship, you will have no rights.

[Anonymous]

OP, I am a guardian for an incapacitated adult. My brother has mental and physical disabilities. Now, I'm not an attorney, so perhaps you should speak to one.

I have no financial obligations to him. Meaning, the state can't touch my money. I am not legally answerable for his actions. I am only obligated to be a decision maker on his behalf. Practically speaking, I will also make sure that his financial affairs are in order. But the state can't come looking to me (personally) for money.

We have a family trust that will take care of some of his expenses. He has SS disability income in his own name. SSDI also pays for about 70 hours a week of respite care from qualifed aides. Meal prep, medicine administration, manipulate in a life, shower, change diaper if needed...

Every incapacitated person deserves an advocate who will look out for them. Make sure they get all the care they are entitled to, make sure no one takes advantage of them, make sure they aren't parked in a corner, all doped up, and left to stew in their own waste...

I read your other thread and replied to it about how to help your DD feel better. I am also of the opinion that the right thing to do here would be for you and your DH to assume joint guardianship. What would you want someone to do for your own chiild someday?