Vent Post: I don't understand my brother's motives.

[Anonymous]

I'll start by saying I know he is an adult , but I don't get it.
My brother has been seeing this woman for a few months, we haven't met her, yet, the plan is to meet her at mom's birthday dinner tomorrow.
Brother and I are pretty close, we talk often and he's been gushing over her the last few months, unusual for him because my brother has been quite the player.
Anyway, we were talking a little bit ago, finalizing plans for mom's party ,and he oh so casually slips into the conversation the lady he's been seeing has lymphoma.
Or dad died from lymphoma just 2 years ago in September. I don't know what he's thinking. I'm worried about it and also furious. Why would he bring her around the family after everything? Why would he put himself through that again?
Apparently the girl knows about our dad and is not bothered.
I know everyone has the right to their own happiness and love.
I know even though I still think of him as my younger brother, he is almost 33 and she is 31 , they are adults and can make their own choices.
I just don't understand.
Don't really need advice.
Just needed some place to vent.
Thanks/

[Anonymous]

I'm not sure I understand why you are angry? Concerned or sad would make sense. Furious does not.

[Anonymous]

Maybe think of it this way -- he didn't choose to fall in love w a girl who is ill. But he fell in love with her. Then realized that she's ill. Then decided she's ill but still here -- so there's no reason to drop her and make himself miserable -- so he will continue to love her.

[Anonymous]

Well, I was going to say that your family would be understanding, having had been through that. But from your reaction, I don't know. My brother dated a woman with lymphoma during and after my parents were both diagnosed with cancer. She's still going strong almost 7 years later. Not all lymphomas are death sentences. Try to remember she's a human first, and a human with a disease second.

[Anonymous]

Same as 14:44. I also don't see why you're angry. I'm sure he didn't seek out someone who has what your dad died of.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm not sure I understand why you are angry? Concerned or sad would make sense. Furious does not.

+1 I also don't understand the title of your post. Your brothers 'motives'? Sounds like he really likes / loves / is happy with this woman with whom he has some shared experiences.

[Anonymous]

are you mad that he told you, or that he's dating a woman with cancer?

[Anonymous]

So, you're mad at your brother because his gf has cancer? It's not as if she got sick on purpose to spite your family. Do you think your brother should dump her because she's sick? Or do you think he should hide her from the family because she's sick? He just wants everyone to meet her, that's all.

[Anonymous]

I think your job here is to treat her as if she doesn't have lymphoma. She doesn't need everyone staring at her as if she's going to die soon. Lymphoma has a relatively high cure rate.

[Anonymous]

You sound self-centered to the point of cruelty, OP. Seriously, go back and re-read your post. You make it sound as if the girl has some dishonorable taint and your brother is falling for it.

Most likely, your brother knows you're a bit off, which may be a reason why he attempted to downplay this information.

There are all kinds of prognoses for different lymphomas. My best friend's husband recovered from one.
It's not about your father's illness or your sense of trauma. This is your brother's life. It's not his fault he fell in love with someone who suffers from a serious illness.

[Anonymous]

Wow OP, you sound like you have some serious issues with cancer patients. Are people with cancer not allowed to be loved? Are they not allowed to date? Are they only allowed to date if the other person doesn't have a family history with the same type of cancer? How about a little compassion for someone that is suffering from an illness you are fortunate enough to not have. Instead of making it sound like her cancer is somehow linked to your fathers and was brought up to hurt your family.


I get that you are just venting, but jeez lol

[Anonymous]

Holy, crap, OP. You think your brother has motives that are in any way related to you???? WTF is wrong with you?

If you can't just keep your trap shut, the only thing for you to say is, "Lila is lovely; I'm so happy you met someone who makes you so happy. I know her illness will be hard on you both, especially after what you just went through with dad. Please let me know how I can be supportive."

[Anonymous]

You're righta, your brother is an adult. You, apparently, are not.

[Anonymous]

I'm trying to understand why you are upset.
Are there unresolved issues from things that occurred during your father's illness?

Id the girlfriend visibly ill, and you think the sight of her would be upsetting for your mom at her party?

Was your brother not around and supportive when you dad was sick?

Did your brother engage in self- destructive behaviors when he was ill , and you are scared that will happen again?

I'm drawing a blank.

I'm sure you know this, but don't say anything to him about it other than being supportive and friendly. Obviously he's okay with the situation, so you should be happy for him.

[Anonymous]

OP, do you think you are "stuck" in the anger part of grief over your father, and are redirecting that anger?

I am not going to judge you, because feelings are irrational sometimes. This hit home for you and that's probably where the fury comes in.