Will my single dad BF leave me to have more bio kids?

[Anonymous]

I am mid 40s woman, with a BF who is awesome. He is a divorced single dad, early 40s, 8-year-old son. He has been divorced for more than 5 years.

The issue is, I know I won't be having any bio babies. I don't want to adopt or anything like that. His son is a blessing. Even though my BF says that it is completely my decision to have one or not (the odds are not in my favor), I can't help but think he is being too wishy washy. If he wants more bio kids, then I want him to move on now and not break my hurt later.

How do I know what he really wants?

[Anonymous]

I haven't known any guys that age who want more kids once they have one.

[Anonymous]

Usually men do not care. If he really wanted more, he'd go for a younger woman. Usually when men have second families/more kids, it is because of the wife's wishes, not his.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am mid 40s woman, with a BF who is awesome. He is a divorced single dad, early 40s, 8-year-old son. He has been divorced for more than 5 years.

The issue is, I know I won't be having any bio babies. I don't want to adopt or anything like that. His son is a blessing. Even though my BF says that it is completely my decision to have one or not (the odds are not in my favor), I can't help but think he is being too wishy washy. If he wants more bio kids, then I want him to move on now and not break my hurt later.

How do I know what he really wants?

By asking him, duh...noone on DCUM can help you out there. You didn't type a single thing to point out how he is being "wishy-washy". It sounds like you are talking about a problem that doesn't exist. There are other ways to have a child besides adoption. Surrogates etc...If you've already had that conversation with him and you are both OK with not having more kids, why would you doubt him.

[Anonymous]

My husband had two kids. He didn't really care one way or the other if we had kids together. I said, I'd like to have a baby. He said sure. But it would NOT have killed him to not have any more. However, he loves his blended family (we had one kid together). Some men don't think too deeply about this. Know your man. (Ask him).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Usually men do not care. If he really wanted more, he'd go for a younger woman. Usually when men have second families/more kids, it is because of the wife's wishes, not his.

I think this OP.

Although I think men have different motivations for having kids. Some get pressured into it by their wives; others feel they missed out the first time around and want a family they will appreciate the second time around. Sadly, some guys want to just spread their seed.

I used to work with a woman who dated and had a kid with a guy; her kid was the 7th kid this guy had from 4 different women. (I'm not kidding.) She was completely shocked and devastated when he dumped her. Why she didn't see it coming, I'll never know.

He was at least twice her age. She was young, 20 years old when she got pregnant and 21 when he moved on to yet another woman and got her pregnant. That was his MO. She was very sweet and intelligent. I think she had crappy self-esteem though. She was working toward her college degree part time b/f she had the baby. The upside is that she and the rest of the exes had a nice family bond. They'd have family get togethers with the kids. I think of her sometimes and hope she's doing well.

[Anonymous]

I was unaware that DCUM had become a psychic hotline...

How are we to know what he really wants? We don't know him.

How can you tell if he is lying? Does he lie or tone down the truth just to keep you happy? Does he say one thing and later on change his mind? Is he able to have difficult conversations and say things to you that you might not like?

[Anonymous]

Why don't you ASK him what he wants? That's a way you would know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:By asking him, duh...noone on DCUM can help you out there. You didn't type a single thing to point out how he is being "wishy-washy". It sounds like you are talking about a problem that doesn't exist. There are other ways to have a child besides adoption. Surrogates etc...If you've already had that conversation with him and you are both OK with not having more kids, why would you doubt him.

Being very logical, if he wanted to have more kids as a number 1 priority, he would have likely had more than 1 with the ex and/or picked late 20s/early 30's woman to date. At this point saying he wants a sibling for his son is likely not a driving factor because it may not be the typical sibling experience with what would be the age difference plus split household with the son. As the situation stands, he gets the best of both worlds. He gets to experience fatherhood but he also gets couple time with you NOT focused on kids. You can go out to dinner when you want, go away for a weekend, talk about a life other than the kids aka what life will be like when the kids are out of the nest but while you are still young enough to enjoy it.

Oh as to him leaving the decision to you, I get that. While I don't necessarily want to have another child in my mid-forties I would consider it if my DH and I were split and I met this amazing man that didn't have any kids and really wanted to have one with me. The guy would have to be driving that bus because I for sure wouldn't be trying to talk him into that. It would need to be one of those things that the added responsibility bonded us together rather than put incredible stress on the relationship (see all the DCUM post about division of labor/stress of young kids). To be in that place, he would need to want it 130%, be willing to do the heavy lifting with child care duties, and appreciate the sleepless nights etc for the joy of having a child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband had two kids. He didn't really care one way or the other if we had kids together. I said, I'd like to have a baby. He said sure. But it would NOT have killed him to not have any more. However, he loves his blended family (we had one kid together). Some men don't think too deeply about this. Know your man. (Ask him).

DH here, this describes me.

[Anonymous]

OP here, I guess the reason I thought he was wishy washy on the topic of having more kids, is abdicating that decision to me. That if he eventually married another woman who wanted kids, that he would be fine with that, too.

I guess I am concerned he will be one of those men who turns 50 or 55 and decides he wants to be with a younger woman and having babies lets everyone know what a stud he still is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, I guess the reason I thought he was wishy washy on the topic of having more kids, is abdicating that decision to me. That if he eventually married another woman who wanted kids, that he would be fine with that, too.

I guess I am concerned he will be one of those men who turns 50 or 55 and decides he wants to be with a younger woman and having babies lets everyone know what a stud he still is.

NP here. I wouldn't worry about it. It could be that he doesn't want to say "no, I don't want anymore kids," because he is worried that you want one and he doesn't want you to blame/resent him for saying no.
He might be leaving it open in case you want to try.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, I guess the reason I thought he was wishy washy on the topic of having more kids, is abdicating that decision to me. That if he eventually married another woman who wanted kids, that he would be fine with that, too.

I guess I am concerned he will be one of those men who turns 50 or 55 and decides he wants to be with a younger woman and having babies lets everyone know what a stud he still is.

No relationship comes with any guarantees. I'm a PP that is married with two kids. My husband could go thru a mid life crisis at 50, dump me for a younger woman and have a kid with her because she wants one and is willing to do all the work and won't be with him any other way while he told me he didn't want a third! I don't think he is that guy but I realize that changes in job (losing a job or something radically changed at existing job) or losing a parent, or having a health scare can change a person and maybe when tested they don't handle it well. But what am I going to do? Refuse to marry him on the what if we change and not for the better? Or not have kids with him because he may leave me someday? I can't live my life for the what may be instead of living my life on the best information I have at this time. This is partly why I believe you don't make a sacrifice for your SO that you don't think is worth making. If you really want to have a kid and your SO doesn't, you break up and find the person that wants the same thing precisely because at the end of the day there are no guarantees. You have to be able to live with the decision you make no matter the outcome. So unless your SO has a history of doing things that makes other people happy to the detriment of himself/he doesn't really want OR not being able to speak up for himself, you have to take what he says at face value. In this moment, who he is, would have a kid if it made YOU happy AND he is not strongly against it , but doesn't need another one to make him feel complete.

[Anonymous]

PP here just wanted to ask OP are you really concerned that your boyfriend will change his mind or do you feel like adding a child to the mix bonds your relationship in a way you wouldn't have without kids? Sort of how people say if I didn't have kids I would have left him long ago and would not have put up with x behavior or bothered going to counseling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, I guess the reason I thought he was wishy washy on the topic of having more kids, is abdicating that decision to me. That if he eventually married another woman who wanted kids, that he would be fine with that, too.

I guess I am concerned he will be one of those men who turns 50 or 55 and decides he wants to be with a younger woman and having babies lets everyone know what a stud he still is.

OP, he dated you knowing you do not want kids. He's ok with it. I get your concern but he has a child. He's happy with that. He'd have more if you want them but he's not going to commit. My husband was like that as many men with kids I know are. He knew I wanted a child and it was a deal breaker for me. We adopted. He completely supported me although he got nervous at times based off his past parenting experience. He's a great attentive dad and husband. He has no regrets having another child. He said he didn't particularly want one more but if I did, he would support it too. (adoption was not an easy process and I can't do it again). He has his kid. He's satisfied. He'd do it for you and probably be a great dad to that child too. Its ok you don't want kids. Focus on the good.