Those reminders my child isn't blending

[Anonymous]

Anyone relate? Warning...this are first world problems and I know I am very fortunate. Have a child with HFA. Just a mini vent here.

I delude myself into thinking my child is blending in to some degree. Actually the IEP team may contribute to my delusions because happy parents make their life easier . Every now and then (sometimes more often than I care to deal with) I get the reminder he isn't blending and may be struggling more socially than I thought. In the early years I got some pretty obnoxious comments from the mommy Olympics ladies at the music classes, etc (and I was already getting EI). Once we found an inclusive preschool the comments were usually gentler.

Now in public school I only get the occasional rude parent remark. Most of the parents are classy and compassionate enough to keep it gentle, but they know, and they let me know they know. Sometimes it is harmless and it's just me catching myself being oversensitive and I get over it. Sometimes it's the well meaning "I'm so glad Larla is seated at your son's table because it teaches her to be patient and compassionate." On the one hand what an awesome parent! This a good person trying to show support to me. It tells me inclusion is welcome and there are many parents teaching their kids good values. That said, I still get a little pang of wishing I could just hear "I'm so glad Larla is seated next to your son. She thinks he is so funny and sweet." I just really need those conversations where my kid is just another kid and not THE SN KID.

[Anonymous]

I get it. I think my kid is doing okay and then I see her at school/with other kids and I see how much of an outsider she is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I get it. I think my kid is doing okay and then I see her at school/with other kids and I see how much of an outsider she is.

OP here. YES! That too. I know DS has come so far, but then I see him with the NT kids in his class. I know not to compare, but at the same time I guess I need to be realistic and see that we have a long way to go.

[Anonymous]

It's not nice of other parents to make -any- sort of comments like that, OP, other than "I see Larla is at the same table with your son. Did he give you any feedback on the blahblahblah craft? Because Larla said she really liked the painting part of it."

Period.

That said ... what IS your son doing while he's mainstreamed? Just being sweet and funny? Or doing things that call attention to himself and leave impressions on other kids? Such that they report back to their parents and don't forget.

That would be my concern. Getting to the bottom of that, and not letting Mrs. Teacher blow me off

[Anonymous]

I mean, on the one hand, I feel bad that my HFA son is an outsider in most circumstances. But he has two other quieter boys that he considers friends, and who also seem to consider him a friend (one from school and one from scouts). So I don't think he's doing so bad.

[Anonymous]

Blending is over-rated.

Your kid is getting the help they need = always a good thing.

[Anonymous]

I don't care about blending but care that DS is getting the supports he needs. When I ask DS and his teachers "how's it going?" Most of the time, the answer is "fine". This is why we spend big bucks every year to have our ed consultant observe DS at school.

[Anonymous]

That stinks, OP. I would have been happy and sad by that remark as well.

I was talking to a dad at the parent observation day yesterday and he made some remark about how DS was doing so well. I'm pretty sure he was trying to be supportive which is great. But DS was actually blending in. He was acting like every other kid in the class so it was odd to single him out and come talk to me. He had clearly been alerted to the fact that DS has special needs and was watching him for signs of being special needs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I get it. I think my kid is doing okay and then I see her at school/with other kids and I see how much of an outsider she is.

This struck a nerve with me. I've been thinking about it for about a week now. I'm attending an afterschool program with my DS (who has significant language issues) that's twice a week. There are about 30 kids from his school participating. The exclusion isn't deliberate, they just don't notice him. We'll be running along, and I engage in some conversation with the other kids, trying to guide it so DS is included. It lasts about 1-2 exchanges and is then over. DS is sad about it and has commented how lonely he'd be if I weren't there. It kills me. The teachers/coaches are great but there's a limit to what they can do. Breaks my heart.

[Anonymous]

While my child has an open and obvious disability, I also hate the 'well meaning' kind remarks that essentially remind you that when your child has friends and is fitting in, it is essentially viewed as a 'teachable moment' rather than just your kid being good at something and having a good year. Ugh.

[Anonymous]

Parents of young children, I can well understand why you seek natural friendships with children in your child's classroom or in outside activities with his NT peers, but maybe also look at area activities at times for those youngsters in his age group with special needs, too. It may just be that a son or daughter might shine in a youth sports team focused on meeting the needs or including those with special needs = at least in the early years to learn the rudiments of the game. Joining a group in which one might continue to learn skills and bea part of for several years is also another possible outlet such as scouting, a church based youth group/service program. In middle school or high school, there may well be "service groups" such as Key Clubs that inquiries could be made about joining with a bit of peer support. Another community-wide group would be Special Olympics sports training. Consider your child fortunate for the times they will have a natural friendship with a bit more mature/understanding peer even if only in the school setting.

Keep the focus on what will benefit your son or daughter in the early years in school. For us it was to be in the best placement to learn the core skills of especially reading as well as writing and basic math that would serve her well in adulthood. There was never any question of a regular academic program so it was an easier choice of placement. If a regular high school diploma is possible, then I would put the appropriate academic setting and level over a social situation within the school.

As your children move onto high school, I can't say enough about Young Life. In our area there is a college based special needs program called Young Life Capernaum for high school up through age 21 young adults. It was started here about seven years ago and was so popular that half the group was over age 25 and just had to separate from the YOung Life program per se. We are fortunate that a few young couples with children decided to start a young adult offshoot following the same kind of programming monthly and servie a diverse group of young adults. Keep working on the basic communication, social, behavior skills because in any setting mainstreamed, fully included, volunteer job, competitive job, or social situation it will serve your son or daughter well.

Also, if your son or daughter could benefit from a positive mentoring experience, college students can be a wonderful resource to use and even for higher-skills (asware) middle schoolers or early teens, you can always use the excuse that the person will have a set of wheels to get one around to this and that and better than an after school or summer camp program. Sometimes, just learning to make a positive connection with one of the same gender a few years older can really help smooth things out. We have used such relationships for now about 15 years.

[Anonymous]

Our school has a self-contained special needs classroom and the PTA is active in raising funds for special needs causes.

It's very well meaning but among many parents there is attitude that special needs children should be pitied. They do not see special needs children as children their own children could be friends with but as a kind of different class like the homeless that they interact with out of the goodness of their heart and help as a sort of community service.

There are a lot of comments I hear along these lines and they really get me down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Our school has a self-contained special needs classroom and the PTA is active in raising funds for special needs causes.

It's very well meaning but among many parents there is attitude that special needs children should be pitied. They do not see special needs children as children their own children could be friends with but as a kind of different class like the homeless that they interact with out of the goodness of their heart and help as a sort of community service.

There are a lot of comments I hear along these lines and they really get me down.

Yeah, this. It is painful to see that your child isn't valued as a person who can contribute equally to a friendship or just be part of the group. No one wants to be pitied.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I get it. I think my kid is doing okay and then I see her at school/with other kids and I see how much of an outsider she is.

OP here. YES! That too. I know DS has come so far, but then I see him with the NT kids in his class. I know not to compare, but at the same time I guess I need to be realistic and see that we have a long way to go.

This is us too. It makes me so sad that what comes so easily to the other kids is so hard for mine. It makes me angry too and I don't know what to do about that.

[Anonymous]

I feel it too OP. There's sometimes a sense of loss over the "easiness" of just being able to go have a normal conversation with other parents or in our case, to watch my kid play with other kids without the anxiety that something really off might happen that I have to explain.