Divorce/separation in DC?

[Anonymous]

To file for a divorce in DC, do you really need to be voluntarily separated for 6 months - or separated for a year?

Why is the law structured like that? And can you get around it anyhow?

[Anonymous]

My understanding is the 6 months applies if both parties agree to the divorce and 1 year if they don't (it's contested).

As for why it's that way, I don't know.

OP, you didn't ask this and didn't say what your situaiton is, but I am someone who is also trying to decide whether to divorce in DC. Hugs to you just in case you need them.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thank you so much. Yes, I guess I could use a hug right about now.

I'm not sure what to do next. The cost of two households is going to kill us. And my husband does not want a divorce.

Good luck to you, too. I suppose millions of women are going through divorces right now, but until you're going through it yourself, it's impossible to imagine how hard it all is.

Thank you again!

[Anonymous]

OP: Have you consulted a lawyer? If not, you should. It's expensive but if you are going to divorce it's essential. For instance, filing for divorce is often done after the parties have come to an agreement. You could file tomorrow and spend months in negotiations over custody (I'm assuming you have a child/children) and assets.
Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Check with a lawyer before you proceed so that you know what you have to do to protect yourself, BUT:

You should be able to establish separation by demonstrating that you lived in separate rooms and began to separate your finances. Check with your lawyer, but it was true when I separated.

Why is the law that way? SO that people cannot rashly divorce, and one party cannot take the other unawares and file when the other is not ready and not legally protected. If your spouse could walk out today and file tomorrow, you'd be screwed.

You also need to consider how you will manage two households after the divorce. You might need to sell your house now.

[Anonymous]

If you separate in January in Virginia and relocate to DC in May, do you have to wait a full six months to get divorced, or can you get divorced in Virginia even though you're relocated?

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thank you for all the good advice. I have not consulted a lawyer, but a colleague recommended one, and I will call today.

Honestly I feel like I was slapped in the face when I read the words, "You might need to sell your house now." I'm just at the beginning of this process, so a lot of this hasn't really sunk in. Both those words did - and I appreciate the candor. I have to make some though decisions this week. There is absolutely no way we can afford two separate households.

In addition to getting a lawyer, what do other people do to get emotional support? None of my close friends are divorced, and I'm afraid my family isn't going to be all that supportive - esp. at first.

[Anonymous]

For emotional support, see a therapist.
Do you have children? If so, it's nice to keep the family house, so the children's world doesn't feel totally undone.
Besides selling, one of you could buy the other out and the other could get an apartment.
If you have to sell the house, the children will survive.
But you can't sell it without your husband's permission. so it's not a short-term solution to your cash-flow problems.
Your lawyer is probably going to want a snapshot of where you think you husband stands on custody, child support, etc., to estimate how difficult the case will be. Lawyers often ask for a retainer, $10,000 and up. Not always, but better to hear it here and not for the first time from your lawyer.
If he does not want the divorce, he could drag things out.
This can cost plenty, even without going to court.
Try to avoid court!
Also, are you aware that if your husband wants 50-50, that's what he'll likely get, unless he travels all the time.

[Anonymous]

PP here. I talked my lawyer down on the retainer.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I called and left a msg with the attorney's office.

My husband does not want a divorce, but I don't think he'll fight me on it either. It might just take a while. If he and I could come to terms on our own, would I really need to retain a lawyer?

We own a house together. I desperately want to stay in the house for now - for my children's sake, and partially for my sake too. I have two very young children (under 5). Preschool paid for through the end of 2010. Each of us have similar amounts in retirement accounts in each of our names. Small money in investments. One car, not paid off yet. I don't think we would have custody issues. HOWEVER, I want the option of moving back to the city where I grew up - a few hours away from here. And obviously I would want to bring the children, which would really wreak havoc on visitation.

DH makes considerably more money than me. I don't see that changing anytime soon, even though I will start looking for a better paying job (which means more childcare costs). I'm wondering if my parents would be able to help me buy back my husband's share of the house? I don't know.

I know this is a question for the lawyers, but would I get any alimony/child support in DC???

[Anonymous]

I don't think we would have custody issues. HOWEVER, I want the option of moving back to the city where I grew up - a few hours away from here.

If your husband does not agree to this, that's a major custody issue. I wanted to do the same. No go.

Also, would you be comfortable with 50-50 and not being able to move back to your hometown? That could be one outcome.

Child support: Go to the DC Superior Court online guidelines and plug in the numbers. Remember these are guidelines and you can negotiate for higher payments. As for alimony, not a given, but maybe. Your lawyer can tell you that one.

[Anonymous]

Here they are. You may not have all the numbers handy, especially if his employer's covering healthcare costs.

http://csgc.oag.dc.gov/application/main/intro.aspx

[Anonymous]

Yes, you still need to consult a lawyer. 83% of fathers decide to become more involved in the children's lives because of divorce. The divorce takes away part of their family, and they cling to the other all the more. You say that you want to live in the house, which is the main asset. A husband who did not want the divorce in the first place is unlikely to make an agreement with you on that matter without some challenges. See a lawyer to find out your rights.

If you really, really think that this can be done in a non-adversarial way, contact a mediator. Again, your lawyer will be able to direct you to some mediators. But you'll still need to each have a lawyer look over your mediated settlement.

I am the poster who said that you might have to sell your home. I should have softened the blow of that. The reality is, in many cases the family needs to do this in order to maintain two households. If you think that you can hang on to it and still have some way for your future ex to pay for a place to live, that's great. It might have to involve a creative rent-back situation, or you taking on a boarder whose rent would go toward the second residence. But your choice to leave the marriage could very well be a choice to leave the home, especially if you choose not to see a lawyer first and come up with possible ways you could keep it.

For the VA/DC residency question: you cannot file in VA if you live in DC unless the other party still lives in VA. At least one party has to live in the jurisdiction where you file .

[Anonymous]

For the VA/DC residency question: you cannot file in VA if you live in DC unless the other party still lives in VA. At least one party has to live in the jurisdiction where you file .

Thanks for this -- are the rules any different for outright abandonment? One party has left the country.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, you still need to consult a lawyer. 83% of fathers decide to become more involved in the children's lives because of divorce. The divorce takes away part of their family, and they cling to the other all the more. You say that you want to live in the house, which is the main asset. A husband who did not want the divorce in the first place is unlikely to make an agreement with you on that matter without some challenges. See a lawyer to find out your rights.

If you really, really think that this can be done in a non-adversarial way, contact a mediator. Again, your lawyer will be able to direct you to some mediators. But you'll still need to each have a lawyer look over your mediated settlement.

I am the poster who said that you might have to sell your home. I should have softened the blow of that. The reality is, in many cases the family needs to do this in order to maintain two households. If you think that you can hang on to it and still have some way for your future ex to pay for a place to live, that's great. It might have to involve a creative rent-back situation, or you taking on a boarder whose rent would go toward the second residence. But your choice to leave the marriage could very well be a choice to leave the home, especially if you choose not to see a lawyer first and come up with possible ways you could keep it.

For the VA/DC residency question: you cannot file in VA if you live in DC unless the other party still lives in VA. At least one party has to live in the jurisdiction where you file .

OP here. Thanks. And thanks to the PP too who told me about the fact that I may not be able to move home. I have a lot to think about in the next week or so. I'm still waiting for the attorney to call me back.

Also, I'm not the same poster who asked the DC/VA question, but I'm so glad this thread is here for everyone with a divorce question. Boy, it's amazing all the things no one tells you when you get married. And I've been married for 12 years.