Should I tell parent that LT friendship with her DD is now a burden for other girl?

[Anonymous]

I teach a pair of new-to-MS girls who have been friends since toddlerhood. Both are nice girls. One has SN (ADD, possibly some ED) and is entirely socially dependent on the other girl. She also relies on her for "reminders" (forgotten passwords, lost items, etc). The first week of school, the parent of the girl with SN specifically asked me to sit them together and put them in the same cooperative learning groups. Not knowing the entire situation, I agreed.
Now, we are 5 weeks into the quarter and I am beginning to regret it. The NT friend is frequently distracted during instruction by the girl with SN asking her questions or attempting to socialize. I will redirect her, but within 5 minutes, it happens again. Last week, the NT girl slipped me a note asking to be moved to the back of the classroom. I asked her to stay after class to discuss her request. She burst into tears and expressed that she feels very stressed by the girl with SN. She said that she no longer considers them to be friends, but doesn't know how to walk away without being mean. She doesn't want to spend class helping her and sitting alone with her at lunch. She said that she felt awful about it, but she just wants to enjoy middle school. She was worried that she was a bully for wanting to stop being friends.
I admit that I myself am stumped by this one. Should I just separate the girls? Do I say something to the other mom? Is it even ethical to help a student dump a friend with special needs? Should I hand the entire mess over to the guidance counselor and run away even though the student confided in me?

[Anonymous]

Maybe separate the girls in class, but encourage her to see if she can get the sn girl to join her at a table with other girls?

[Anonymous]

Separating them in class because there is too much socializing and distractions is an easy and fair solution.

If the parents complain just explain that you tried it but there is just too much off task talking going on.

I wouldn't try to manage the friendship break. That is not your role.

[Anonymous]

Perhaps try posting this in the SN forum? Parents there might have some constructive suggestions.

[Anonymous]

It isn't your role to get involved in the friendship - you could refer to the guidance counselor on that part - but if one girl is distracting the other during class, it is your responsibility to move them and put them in different groups.

[Anonymous]

Let me preface this by saying I'm a parent of a SN kid. I can't believe you actually said "help her dump a friend". THat is not what is going in here. This young girl is being made to artend to and care for the SN girl. She has told you and you have noticed her learning impacted by the DN girl distracting her. NAND she is not socially responsible for this other girl. Now horrible. Separate those girls, talk to the parent, involve the guidance counselor... Do your job!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Perhaps try posting this in the SN forum? Parents there might have some constructive suggestions.

I think this would be a very very bad idea.

There are several parents there who are exceptionally sensitive to the type of question OP is asking. They have reacted very passionately and very angrily to anyone who posts a question along these lines. My impression is that a question like this would hit a little to closely for many of the parents in the special needs forum.

[Anonymous]

PP here... Wow the typos. I'm on my phone but you get the point. Take care of this poor girl placed inappropriately in a caretaking role.

[Anonymous]

I'm a special needs parent and a special needs teacher. Separate them now. If the SN mom asks just say they you think they her daughter would blossom with the opportunity to meet new people. Or that you mix groups of up every 6 weeks. Whatever seems to strike the right chord. You are the expert about that child/ those children in your classroom. Deep down inside you know the mom in enabling bad behavior and probably isn't aware of it.

[Anonymous]

My son was put in a care taking role for another student. Without my knowledge the SN parent had requested that our sons be in the same class - year after year. So the teachers - year and year, I think, relied very heavily on my son to look after this boy. One academic year I wouldn't have given it much thought, but when I found out it had been years of elementary school, I was very unhappy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Perhaps try posting this in the SN forum? Parents there might have some constructive suggestions.

I think this would be a very very bad idea.

There are several parents there who are exceptionally sensitive to the type of question OP is asking. They have reacted very passionately and very angrily to anyone who posts a question along these lines. My impression is that a question like this would hit a little to closely for many of the parents in the special needs forum.

Hello? People with kids who are SN also read other forums. Why b/c our kids grow up and go through all the same stuff your kid does PLUS they have learning disabilities, mental health or physical issues. We may be sensitive but sometimes we are also wise.

OP, if this girl requested a different seating assignment, her wishes needs to be respected. I agree that you should not be getting into managing a student friendship. Seeking the help of the guidance counselor might also be helpful.

Now here's where the wisdom of having a kid with SNs comes in. Every child where possible needs to learn strategies for independence. This child probably has an IEP, I would consider consulting with the special ed teacher to implement strategies for her to learn to focus, use organizational tips to help her remember what she needs to, and advocate for herself and ask a question of the teacher when she doesn't understand something.

The girls friendship may revive on it's own, but both girls could benefit from a break.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My son was put in a care taking role for another student. Without my knowledge the SN parent had requested that our sons be in the same class - year after year. So the teachers - year and year, I think, relied very heavily on my son to look after this boy. One academic year I wouldn't have given it much thought, but when I found out it had been years of elementary school, I was very unhappy.

Can't imagine the impact was too great since you only heard about after the fact.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Perhaps try posting this in the SN forum? Parents there might have some constructive suggestions.

I think this would be a very very bad idea.

There are several parents there who are exceptionally sensitive to the type of question OP is asking. They have reacted very passionately and very angrily to anyone who posts a question along these lines. My impression is that a question like this would hit a little to closely for many of the parents in the special needs forum.

Hello? People with kids who are SN also read other forums. Why b/c our kids grow up and go through all the same stuff your kid does PLUS they have learning disabilities, mental health or physical issues. We may be sensitive but sometimes we are also wise.

OP, if this girl requested a different seating assignment, her wishes needs to be respected. I agree that you should not be getting into managing a student friendship. Seeking the help of the guidance counselor might also be helpful.

Now here's where the wisdom of having a kid with SNs comes in. Every child where possible needs to learn strategies for independence. This child probably has an IEP, I would consider consulting with the special ed teacher to implement strategies for her to learn to focus, use organizational tips to help her remember what she needs to, and advocate for herself and ask a question of the teacher when she doesn't understand something.

The girls friendship may revive on it's own, but both girls could benefit from a break.

NOT special needs parents. Some parents in the special needs forum. Big difference.

Several threads with topics very similar to what OP posted have turned very hostile very quickly in the special needs forum.

[Anonymous]

Special needs mom here.

Regarding the original request by the SN girl's parents to have her be in every single group with her friend and sit next to her throughout the day -- would you ever honor such a request for two other students = neurotypical students? Because this sounds like an extraordinary request to me, OP. An inappropriate request. It sounds like the only reason you honored it was that one of the students was special needs. It's not an accommodation to help the SN child access the curriculum. It's simply an accommodation to make the parents feel that the child is comfortable. And it would create an imbalance in the classroom and essentially render another child an aide for a child, which is inappropriate. Also, it really limits the SN child's ability to work toward having better social relationships.

I have a special needs child (severe) and I can't imagine putting this burden on another child. Nor would I want my child to have only one contact.

The request was inappropriate and shouldn't have been honored.

I agree you need to split them up, and simply find a way of explaining it -- it's time for a new floor plan, it's time for Larla to meet new people, Larla and Larlita belong in different curriculum-based groups.

If the SN child requires constant caretaking, she needs a 1 to 1.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Perhaps try posting this in the SN forum? Parents there might have some constructive suggestions.

I think this would be a very very bad idea.

There are several parents there who are exceptionally sensitive to the type of question OP is asking. They have reacted very passionately and very angrily to anyone who posts a question along these lines. My impression is that a question like this would hit a little to closely for many of the parents in the special needs forum.

Hello? People with kids who are SN also read other forums. Why b/c our kids grow up and go through all the same stuff your kid does PLUS they have learning disabilities, mental health or physical issues. We may be sensitive but sometimes we are also wise.

OP, if this girl requested a different seating assignment, her wishes needs to be respected. I agree that you should not be getting into managing a student friendship. Seeking the help of the guidance counselor might also be helpful.

Now here's where the wisdom of having a kid with SNs comes in. Every child where possible needs to learn strategies for independence. This child probably has an IEP, I would consider consulting with the special ed teacher to implement strategies for her to learn to focus, use organizational tips to help her remember what she needs to, and advocate for herself and ask a question of the teacher when she doesn't understand something.

The girls friendship may revive on it's own, but both girls could benefit from a break.

Thank you for chiming in. I appreciate your perspective. The girl with SN has a 504 plan that is managed by her guidance counselor. The consensus seems to be to separate the girls. I'll do so and give the counselor a heads up. We have a social skills group forming that might help. Although she doesn't have an IEP, I've tried strategies with her that I use with others successfully which is where the possible ED comes in ( ODD that the parent has alluded to).