Should I tell parent that LT friendship with her DD is now a burden for other girl?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a special needs parent and a special needs teacher. Separate them now. If the SN mom asks just say they you think they her daughter would blossom with the opportunity to meet new people. Or that you mix groups of up every 6 weeks. Whatever seems to strike the right chord. You are the expert about that child/ those children in your classroom. Deep down inside you know the mom in enabling bad behavior and probably isn't aware of it.

Will do. Thanks!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My son was put in a care taking role for another student. Without my knowledge the SN parent had requested that our sons be in the same class - year after year. So the teachers - year and year, I think, relied very heavily on my son to look after this boy. One academic year I wouldn't have given it much thought, but when I found out it had been years of elementary school, I was very unhappy.

How could you be oblivious to this for years?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My son was put in a care taking role for another student. Without my knowledge the SN parent had requested that our sons be in the same class - year after year. So the teachers - year and year, I think, relied very heavily on my son to look after this boy. One academic year I wouldn't have given it much thought, but when I found out it had been years of elementary school, I was very unhappy.

My DD was put into this position year after year-- I noticed that none of the PTA mom's kids got this role -- we switched schools. My DD is not in ES school to tutor the SN kid. Sorry. She needs an education as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a special needs parent and a special needs teacher. Separate them now. If the SN mom asks just say they you think they her daughter would blossom with the opportunity to meet new people. Or that you mix groups of up every 6 weeks. Whatever seems to strike the right chord. You are the expert about that child/ those children in your classroom. Deep down inside you know the mom in enabling bad behavior and probably isn't aware of it.

+ 100

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My son was put in a care taking role for another student. Without my knowledge the SN parent had requested that our sons be in the same class - year after year. So the teachers - year and year, I think, relied very heavily on my son to look after this boy. One academic year I wouldn't have given it much thought, but when I found out it had been years of elementary school, I was very unhappy.

How could you be oblivious to this for years?

We were new to the area and this is a common practice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My son was put in a care taking role for another student. Without my knowledge the SN parent had requested that our sons be in the same class - year after year. So the teachers - year and year, I think, relied very heavily on my son to look after this boy. One academic year I wouldn't have given it much thought, but when I found out it had been years of elementary school, I was very unhappy.

How could you be oblivious to this for years?

We were new to the area and this is a common practice.

I'm OP and agree with the PP that this is a pretty common practice. I get 4-5 requests a year (exclusively from parents of girls with SN) to seat/group two students together as a social-emotional support that will ease school anxiety and thus aid instruction. It has never backfired for me before. However, after this situation and the anecdotes shared by PPs, I will be very hesitant to agree to in in the future.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My son was put in a care taking role for another student. Without my knowledge the SN parent had requested that our sons be in the same class - year after year. So the teachers - year and year, I think, relied very heavily on my son to look after this boy. One academic year I wouldn't have given it much thought, but when I found out it had been years of elementary school, I was very unhappy.

How could you be oblivious to this for years?

When you have a polite kid who gets good enough grades, you know remarkably little.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My son was put in a care taking role for another student. Without my knowledge the SN parent had requested that our sons be in the same class - year after year. So the teachers - year and year, I think, relied very heavily on my son to look after this boy. One academic year I wouldn't have given it much thought, but when I found out it had been years of elementary school, I was very unhappy.

How could you be oblivious to this for years?

We were new to the area and this is a common practice.

I'm OP and agree with the PP that this is a pretty common practice. I get 4-5 requests a year (exclusively from parents of girls with SN) to seat/group two students together as a social-emotional support that will ease school anxiety and thus aid instruction. It has never backfired for me before. However, after this situation and the anecdotes shared by PPs, I will be very hesitant to agree to in in the future.

Perhaps talking to the parents of the other child should be something you should do before agreeing.

[Anonymous]

I'm the parent of a child with severe ADHD who needs frequent redirection in class. I would be MORTIFIED if this burden of redirection and social cueing should be on the shoulders of a classmate, to the detriment of their own learning! This is the job of the classroom aide, special educator, or whoever is qualified to help.

This poor girl is being put into an awful situation:

1. Please commend her for her courage in speaking up.

2. Also praise the delicacy of feeling which she demonstrated, not wanting to hurt her classmate and long-time friend.

3. Separate them.

4. Contact the parents of the child with special needs regarding what accommodations are available to her. Do they have an IEP or 504 plan, which would guarantee special services for their daughter? They have to be acquainted with the whole special needs process, and must be made to understand that their child needs more support than what a peer can give them, and also that it's unfair to the peer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My son was put in a care taking role for another student. Without my knowledge the SN parent had requested that our sons be in the same class - year after year. So the teachers - year and year, I think, relied very heavily on my son to look after this boy. One academic year I wouldn't have given it much thought, but when I found out it had been years of elementary school, I was very unhappy.

How could you be oblivious to this for years?

We were new to the area and this is a common practice.

I'm OP and agree with the PP that this is a pretty common practice. I get 4-5 requests a year (exclusively from parents of girls with SN) to seat/group two students together as a social-emotional support that will ease school anxiety and thus aid instruction. It has never backfired for me before. However, after this situation and the anecdotes shared by PPs, I will be very hesitant to agree to in in the future.

OP, you are throwing out the baby with the bath water. You get 4-5 requests a year and this is the first that didn't work. Having a familiar or friendly kid in the same class or sitting a child next to a peer doesn't make that peer "responsible" for them. It was a "reasonable" accommodation; it just wasn't a good fit in this case.

You don't know if the anecdotes shared here are based on prejudice or not. The PP complains that her kid was in the same class with the same kid with SN--on purpose. Oh, the horror. He doesn't sound the worse for wear and she's only assuming after the fact that the teachers overly relied on her kid. She doesn't actually know.

Personally, I am skeptical of the utility of peer role models. My kid was in an public preschool program that was meant to integrate SN with their typically developing peers. The NT kids essentially ignored the SN kids, but there were some that would pinch the non-verbal kids. I saw this when volunteering and mentioned it to the teacher. I was told, "That's never happened before." Well, it was an ongoing thing b/c I'd see the same kids doing it on field trips and in subsequent years.

People are often concerned about their kid picking up "behaviors" from the SN kids, but truly some NT peers aren't all they're cracked up to be.

In the future, I wouldn't dismiss this tactic out of hand, but I would let the parents asking know that it's subject to change. I would also look for alternative ways a SN child can be supported.

[Anonymous]

OP - You sound like a very competent, caring and intuitive teacher. Probably as a rule when such requests are made, you might just share with the requesting parent that you prefer that while a requested seating arrangement might be possible in a class, that as a rule you do not have the same seating/partner chart for all classes or for the entire year. In the case you mention, it does sound as if the 504 may not be enough, and is it possible that you could in your role as the teacher request a meeting with the parents of the SN child and simply keep it on focus of what you have observed in the first quarter and the student's performance or level of needs which have risen. So based on that you are moving the student to the front of the room or wherever so that redirection on your part might be a bit easier, but also, however, one does it also share you are not certain that this will be enough.

And for any student in elementary or middle school in terms of the social piece, it would be a much better approach that trying to pair off two students to try and develop a "lunch buddies" idea among a few student - easier to do for a new student or a newly included student since usually if set up at the start of a new year or placement,many students just then naturally find others whom they like to mix with. For this particular girl, the idea of having the guidance counselor involved is key and maybe the best conduit to speak with the parents about the social skills group, too. You are the educator and need to focus on the learning academic environment and what this student with SN needs to be successful as well as what the other student needs to do so, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a special needs parent and a special needs teacher. Separate them now.

Will do. Thanks!

Former teacher here. I am surprised that you needed help from DCUM to come to this conclusion, and glad you took the advice. I hope both girls (and the rest of the kids too) learn a lot in your class this year.

[Anonymous]

I have a daughter in the same situation in the same class for the 4th year with her mild SN friend.

Please separate them. It is dragging down my daughter, stunting her maturity and academic skills (even though I encouraged her being extra nice to this girl several years ago). Her SN friend is so dependent on her and never wants to be away from her. So neither of them makes any other friends. While this was ok in 2nd grade, it is not good for either of them anymore. I tell my dd to play with other kids on the playground and sit with different kids at lunch, but she is too easy going and her friend is so clingy.

I recently talked to her teacher to about this and she is going to try putting them in different groups now that she knows. She too thinks it a good idea

[Anonymous]

Another special needs mom.

No child -- either SN or typical -- should be seated exclusively with another child 100% of the time. It would be weird and inappropriate. Why not treat this as any other best friend or close friend pairing, using the same good teacher training and experience you obviously have.

I also want to say that the SN child needs to be paired with other children for her own sake, so that she is an equal with others in the class, so that other kids don't get the impression that being paired with her is some sort of "responsibility" for them. That being her partner is just being a partner.

[Anonymous]

SN parent of a tween (so yes, I read several boards).
I believe that I posted on a similar thread on the SN board.

First, OP, thank you for caring about these students and wanting to help.

Second, many times SN parents are seeking appropriate ADULT resources from the school and are hitting a wall at each turn. It is unfortunate that our schools are depending on peer students to help our children along (it appears to the detriment of these NT kids) when they are struggling..this may work in some situations but from the posting here, it appears all to frequent.