Financial support "vs." independence
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Anonymous
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If you have accepted financial support from your parents/ILs/other family members as an adult--do you feel obligated to alter your decisions/behavior/plans/accommodations in recognition of that?
For example, if your parents contribute significantly to the down payment of your home, do you give them a key if they ask for one? Do you let them visit as often as they wish, even though it might be too frequently for your taste/lifestyle? Do you listen to their suggestions as to decorations/repairs/renovation priorities? I'm just wondering if people "give in" to their parents' expectations/desires more, less, or the same than if they HADN'T been given financial support as an adult. |
Anonymous
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There is literally going to be no single answer to this , because like everything else - its entirely specific to the givers and the life long relationship. By the time you buy a home its a LOT of years of a relationship behind it. Some may have people who have strings, others have no strings, others didn't know until they accepted or denied, etc.
I will say, there is one nice thing about having more money than your parents, you don't have to worry about these dynamics since it will never be an issue! Our DP here would buy all 3 of our parent's homes outright (about 90K each!) |
Anonymous
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When my parents gave us money towards our down payment, they made it very clear that it was no strings attached. They didn't want to know details, be involved in the process, or be repaid (we offered).
If my in laws ever offered money, we would 100% turn it down, because there would be expectations attached to it. |
Anonymous
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From what I have seen of one of our DD's and SIL, it depends on the maturity and expectations on both sides. DD and SIL received 20% for the downpayment on their home from SIL's parents who are very generous and he is an only child. However, both DD and SIL are not emotionally that independent and thus the In-Laws, particularly FIL has had more of a say in the operation of their home than is healthy. However, if you have a DS who calls at the least little issue even for advice, it is hard for DS to complain about parental involvement. A bigger issue for this couple is that the IN-Laws let them know not that they were establishing an education trust fund for twins, but "the amount!!" It has taken away the incentive that one needs to be saving for college and again just seems to feed into both DD's and SIL's over-reliance "on parents." And actually given the cost of undergrad today and the fact these kids are very young, one can honestly say well if undergrad is paid for, then still save to help with grad school or first home purchase. It is a balance and not always necessarily the negative being on the In-LAWS. Also, it is important to be equitable in what you do for one daughter or son's family to consider how you might balance it out now or in future planning for other siblings. For example we kept our oldest on our family health plan through grad school as she needed access to good health services and with our other daughter we paid a similar amount towards a car. |
Anonymous
| Both sets of parents have given money with no strings. One set gave significantly more, but that didn't buy them anything more than we would offer the other set. They all live far away and are welcome to stay with us when they want to visit. |
Anonymous
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My husband and I turned down an offer of a $40K loan from my ILs for our down payment. We didn't need it (had more than enough for the down payment on our own). My husband was lukewarm on the issue, but I made the point that "then they'll want a key and want to tell us what to do."
Now, each and every time they visit--even though they didn't give us any money--they ask for a key, and tell us what to do. ("Why'd you get the deck painted? You should have done the basement carpet.") When they do this, we catch each other's eye, grin, and one of us says, "That's the decision we made together." |
Anonymous
Exactly this. |
Anonymous
| I gave back a $10,000 check from my parents when we were house hunting. I wanted them to know he had purchased it on our own. I didn't want to complicate the dynamic (power) in the relationship. Also didn't want to wonder if they agreed with our choice of house. |
Anonymous
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Here's my situation:
I have a trust fund and annual gifts from family with absolutely zero strings attached. Millions. Not a word between annual meetings to go over how the investments are doing. My husbands family gave the kids Legos for their birthdays and make demands to see each and everything they make with them, guilt the kids when they visit is they are not playing with the Legos during their visit, and try to get the kids to keep thanking them over and over for the Lefos they got in June. |
Anonymous
They probably feel insecure and jealous at what they know (or think they know) that your family can provide...still, I'm sure it's frustrating to witness Much Ado About Legos. |
Anonymous
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My parents and grandparents helped in significant ways. I came out of a private liberal arts school debt free, which for our family was a big deal and a huge gift I did not fully appreciate until I was not paying loans and all my friends were.
They have written a generous check for our son's college fund. Based on our relationship, I do not expect any strings. That just isn't how they are. |
Anonymous
That was my first thought too. |
Anonymous
| Op, I would make sure your kids write an official "thank you" note. Send IL's later 1 picture of the kids enjoying the legos. Since you know that they expect - consider it a baseline, and give what you are comfortable giving them - like 1/4 of what they ask for. Whatever it is, try to be consistent so you get them use to it. |
Anonymous
| ^maybe that wasn't to Op but was to a NP |
Anonymous
| You people have weird clingy parents. |