How to change dynamic in my marriage

[Anonymous]

I've been married for 7 years. My husband and I love each other very much but the dynamic in our relationship has to change.
He complains that I rely on him to handle all the difficult decisions and things in our lives. The only reason I do is because every time I try to assert myself, he either tells me that I'm wrong or he doesn't want to hear it. I've just stopped trying and let him deal with everything because I don't want to be scolded.
It's messed up. We are dealing with it in therapy. We are both dry committed to dealing with this and working on it.
Has anyone been through anything like this? Any advice on how I can assert myself more in our marriage?
Pre-marriage I could handle things with ease. My self-esteem has taken a hit though. I am in individual therapy as well.
I just want it to get better.

[Anonymous]

I realize that this isn't a controversial thread everyone, but I would appreciate some response.

[Anonymous]

My marriage is a little like this only I (wife) am the one that does everything. I realize this is a problem and have started to let him handle things and really try hard not to criticize the way he does things. It is hard to change. We love each other too. This is what marriage is about. We should probably go to counseling so it is good you are trying this route. I would pick one thing you want to handle from now on and tell him you are doing it now, he cannot criticize.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like he's asking you to be more confident and more aggressive. But you are "trying to assert" and letting your self-esteem be questioned.

Let's say you were buying a new car.

You: Honey, I picked out a 2008 Prius at the dealership. Want to go test drive it with me?

Him: No! That car is dumb! Why would you pick that?

You: Watch it buddy. I don't see you offering an alternative. So get off your butt or shut up.

Him: Yes, honey.

Look, I know it sucks to have to constantly battle and stick up for yourself. You feel like no one is on your side. But if you don't, he'll lose respect for you and you'll lose your marriage.

[Anonymous]

Why assert? I mean can you just make decisions. Is this money which you feel is partially yours? If you are dependent on him, and therefore can't make independent (to some degree) financial decision, that's the core problem. Money = control

[Anonymous]

My husband is like you. It's so irritating and I struggle to respect him. I want to tell him to grow a pair.

[Anonymous]

This is the dynamic in my relationship too (I am wife). I think if your husband wants you to make more decisions then call him on his criticism. "You asked that I make more decisions and so I'm doing that". Also, if he isn't involved in something just keep him out of it. My DH will involve me in every little thing and I just don't need to know about all of it.

[Anonymous]

I used to be like you because I came out of a very controlling relationship where my boyfriend told me what to do, say, think, wear, etc. I did not realize that's what was happening for an embarrassingly long time.

When I started dating a new guy (now my husband) I'd constantly ask him "What do you think?" or "How do I handle that?" or "What do I say to my teacher?" and the first few times he told me and then (because he's brilliant) realized there was a pattern and started saying things like "How do YOU think you should handle it?" or "Well, if I were your professor what would you say to explain the situation? Practice on me!" and I got really mad at him for "not helping." But really he was - he refused to let me put him in that role of dictator.

I screwed up some things and made some bad decisions. But I learned to own my shit. Your husband needs to let you make what he thinks are bad decisions. Maybe he'll be wrong and they'll turn out great and he'll have to learn not to pout, or maybe you'll screw things up and he'll have to learn not to gloat. But mostly he needs to step back and you need to keep pushing more self esteem on yourself, you know?

[Anonymous]

A concrete example would help. Can you give an example of a case where you tried to be assertive, and he scolded you or told you to shut up?

[Anonymous]

OP to some degree it's hard to give advice because although ou describe what happens, you don't really say why you think it's happening. Your DH could be controlling, or a perfectionist, or anxious. Or he could be just fine, and you may be anxious or insecure. He might think he's just giving input or having a give-and-take where you see criticism (in which case it's more a communication style than a personality issue on either side). Each of these might warrant a different solution approach.

If your therapist isn't helping you guys figure out how you fell into this dynamic, maybe you need a new one?

[Anonymous]

Just start doing exactly what you want to do. Don't check in with him.

If he gets mad, tough shit.

He'll learn sooner or later.

And if he doesnt? Good. He sounds like a douche anyway, if I'm being honest.