combining households with kids of very diffferent ages (needs)

[Anonymous]

My boyfriend has two teenagers. I have two young school aged kids (K and 2nd.)

Their needs in life are quite different. For instance, boyfriend's daughter is 16 and just started driving a car, is out rather late, a lot of quarreling about curfew. Boyfriend's son may be smoking pot. We are at a real cross roads about how to proceed. Understandably, he wants them to live with us, if we merged households. I'm a little more fearful. He has told me he would create rules, a contract with them, etc.

I'd welcome more thoughts about how we might think about this subject, so it's not divisive?

[Anonymous]

Consider waiting until the teenagers leave home to merge households.

[Anonymous]

DON'T. You want a pot smoker around two school aged kids?

How can this NOT be divisive?

You need another BF; your BF needs to focus on his kids.

Lucky you: houses aren't blended yet. So don't!

[Anonymous]

Your first responsibility is to your own kids, and they need to be in a healthy environment. Kids can be really affected by the teens that they see regularly and look up to. These teens don't sound like the best examples right now.

[Anonymous]

BF can't manage his kids now, no reason to think he will just because he moves in with you.

Past behavior predicts future behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My boyfriend has two teenagers. I have two young school aged kids (K and 2nd.)

Their needs in life are quite different. For instance, boyfriend's daughter is 16 and just started driving a car, is out rather late, a lot of quarreling about curfew. Boyfriend's son may be smoking pot. We are at a real cross roads about how to proceed. Understandably, he wants them to live with us, if we merged households. I'm a little more fearful. He has told me he would create rules, a contract with them, etc.

I'd welcome more thoughts about how we might think about this subject, so it's not divisive?

Why can't he create rules and a contract now? I would NOT move in with him and expose your kids to this until he has resolved this problem. He needs to parent his own children, rather than expecting a woman to do it for him. If he's capable of solving this problem, let him do so before you disrupt your children's lives.

[Anonymous]

Do not merge households. This is a recipe for disaster.

[Anonymous]

It sounds from your post that things are currently intense and not great between your boyfriend and his kids. To me that is a definite negative as you think about moving in together. So, why are you thinking of doing it now? Do you have a good relationship with the kids? Are their current issues usual or unusual?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:BF can't manage his kids now, no reason to think he will just because he moves in with you.

Past behavior predicts future behavior.

I reluctantly agree with this. He needs to demonstrate that he's actively parenting b/f you merge households.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do not merge households. This is a recipe for disaster.

+1

Even in optimal circumstances it is rough. This is a horrible idea. Your kids don't need this chaos in their lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My boyfriend has two teenagers. I have two young school aged kids (K and 2nd.)

Their needs in life are quite different. For instance, boyfriend's daughter is 16 and just started driving a car, is out rather late, a lot of quarreling about curfew. Boyfriend's son may be smoking pot. We are at a real cross roads about how to proceed. Understandably, he wants them to live with us, if we merged households. I'm a little more fearful. He has told me he would create rules, a contract with them, etc.

I'd welcome more thoughts about how we might think about this subject, so it's not divisive?

Why can't he create rules and a contract now? I would NOT move in with him and expose your kids to this until he has resolved this problem. He needs to parent his own children, rather than expecting a woman to do it for him. If he's capable of solving this problem, let him do so before you disrupt your children's lives.

I have merged kids with my second husband. That question really stands out to me. There should be rules and enforcement of said rules in place now. What is he waiting for? For YOU to be the bad guy, putting you in an impossible situation? He needs to get his shit under control first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My boyfriend has two teenagers. I have two young school aged kids (K and 2nd.)

Their needs in life are quite different. For instance, boyfriend's daughter is 16 and just started driving a car, is out rather late, a lot of quarreling about curfew. Boyfriend's son may be smoking pot. We are at a real cross roads about how to proceed. Understandably, he wants them to live with us, if we merged households. I'm a little more fearful. He has told me he would create rules, a contract with them, etc.

I'd welcome more thoughts about how we might think about this subject, so it's not divisive?

Why can't he create rules and a contract now? I would NOT move in with him and expose your kids to this until he has resolved this problem. He needs to parent his own children, rather than expecting a woman to do it for him. If he's capable of solving this problem, let him do so before you disrupt your children's lives.

I have merged kids with my second husband. That question really stands out to me. There should be rules and enforcement of said rules in place now. What is he waiting for? For YOU to be the bad guy, putting you in an impossible situation? He needs to get his shit under control first.

Exactly. And you'll be spending your time trying to get his kids under control instead of focusing on your own. Don't do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My boyfriend has two teenagers. I have two young school aged kids (K and 2nd.)

Their needs in life are quite different. For instance, boyfriend's daughter is 16 and just started driving a car, is out rather late, a lot of quarreling about curfew. Boyfriend's son may be smoking pot. We are at a real cross roads about how to proceed. Understandably, he wants them to live with us, if we merged households. I'm a little more fearful. He has told me he would create rules, a contract with them, etc.

I'd welcome more thoughts about how we might think about this subject, so it's not divisive?

Why can't he create rules and a contract now? I would NOT move in with him and expose your kids to this until he has resolved this problem. He needs to parent his own children, rather than expecting a woman to do it for him. If he's capable of solving this problem, let him do so before you disrupt your children's lives.

I have merged kids with my second husband. That question really stands out to me. There should be rules and enforcement of said rules in place now. What is he waiting for? For YOU to be the bad guy, putting you in an impossible situation? He needs to get his shit under control first.

+1. What is he waiting for? Teen behavior usually gets worse when a new step-parent is added.

This man is showing you what kind of parent he really is. Believe him.

[Anonymous]

No way, live seperate.

[Anonymous]

It depends on the kids. My brother and SIL divorced when my nieces were about 4 and 6. After a couple of years, my SIL remarried with a guy that had two then teenage boys about 8 & 10 years older than the oldest. Those boys adored their sisters and to this day (my nieces are now 22 and 24, and their brothers are 32 and 34) they are thick as thieves. It was actually quite good. The boys became a lot more responsible when they were given responsibilities around younger sisters. And the girls also became better behaved when there were more watchful eyes on them and they had more "adults" giving them attention. It helped that my brother, his girlfriend (now wife) and my SIL and her husband were all pretty friendly (my brother and SIL fought over money and they got along much better when they were no longer sharing finances) so they were one big family for all the intervening years.

I've seen a couple of other households where it worked out well. I know that they are in the minority, but there are combinations that do work out. It depends on the kids.