Gossip

[Anonymous]

Next weekend is the annual beach trip/reunion with my husband's family. It's generally fun and enjoyable, with lots of kids around.

But at night, the booze comes out, and so does the gossip about practically everyone who didn't attend that year (or even those who went to bed already). Last year, for example, they talked about a cousin whose daughter is in gymnastics, speculating how much that costs. They slammed the mother (the in-law) for being a SAHM who promotes an expensive activity.

I always stay silent, even when they ask what I think. I wish I hadn't about that. I like that cousin and his family a lot.

I'm almost dreading this year. Should I speak up?

[Anonymous]

Who cares what they say? It's none of their business, but if they want to judge, just step aside. No need to stick up for the people they're talking about unless they're getting offensive (racist, homophobic, etc.). You can be noncommittal if you don't want to be confrontational. "Well, it seems to work for them" or "Sara is so good on the balance beam!" or whatever. Just drink your wine and go to your mental happy place.

[Anonymous]

Just dont go to bed early!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just dont go to bed early!

OP here...don't I know it!

Good advice above, and thank you. I'm just wondering if I'm being complicit? Am I just as bad as them to hear it and stay silent?

[Anonymous]

Why not be the first to stand up and say we're not going to talk behind anyone's back anymore. That's what I'd do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why not be the first to stand up and say we're not going to talk behind anyone's back anymore. That's what I'd do.

Because who is she to tell other adults how to behave?

OP, I'd tell you to excuse yourself and go to bed, just be sure DH is still there to protect you.

Then again, sounds like they'll talk about you at some point...

[Anonymous]

This sounds like my step-mother. I never say anything, but I know that everyone knows she is like this. Thus, none of us trust her. If they are talking about someone to you, they are talking about you, as well. Don't participate, but don't feel like you have to be the police on it. I usually stay positive when I'm hearing the gossip so as to not add fuel. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Joke when you go to bed: "I'll give you a head start on me: I'm a bleeding heart liberal AND I still breastfeed my 18-month-old!"

[Anonymous]

They're probably already talking about you at other times, so you may as well just remove yourself (to bed or another room) when they start this. You're complicit if you sit there silent.

[Anonymous]

When they ask what I think I might try something light like, "Aw, I like her! You guys are a tough crowd!" That will let them know where you're coming from and it doesn't give them much to make fun of you for.

If you come on stronger and holier-than-thou, I feel like they might eat the flesh right off your bones when you're not looking.

But good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Next weekend is the annual beach trip/reunion with my husband's family. It's generally fun and enjoyable, with lots of kids around.

But at night, the booze comes out, and so does the gossip about practically everyone who didn't attend that year (or even those who went to bed already). Last year, for example, they talked about a cousin whose daughter is in gymnastics, speculating how much that costs. They slammed the mother (the in-law) for being a SAHM who promotes an expensive activity.

I always stay silent, even when they ask what I think. I wish I hadn't about that. I like that cousin and his family a lot.

I'm almost dreading this year. Should I speak up?

How is it "generally fun and enjoyable" all day long if you know that the bashing is coming up every night? That would put me on edge the whole time. Don't let the idea of "they're boozed up" give these people a pass on being backstabbers. That is what they are, after all. Don't you think that, by day and sober, they'd do the same thing if their targets weren't around, or the kids weren't there to soak up the gossip and report it back to moms and dads?

OP, you already said you are dreading this year, and you now wish you'd spoken up for that one cousin, etc. Read the red flags you, yourself, are putting up here. You don't like this behavior and don't like how it makes YOU appear; because you know that silence is, to them, your tacit agreement with whatever they say. This year, either don't go, or go and speak up if you stay in the room, or go and leave the room promptly when the booze and bitching session begins each night.

[Anonymous]

I agree that you can't just call them out on it; then you'd be as judgmental as them, in a way...

[Anonymous]

They sound horrible, frankly.

[Anonymous]

Smile gently and lightly suggest that maybe it would be more entertaining to talk about the rest of the world than to salaciously bitch about beloved family members the minute they were absent. I might look at all of them and gently ask why they enjoyed talking about each other so much, and how it felt knowing that each of them was, had been or would be the topic of conversation at some point.

In my early twenties I had a friendship group that would do this - what eventually made several of us stop prticipating in the talking was understanding that everyone was talking about everyone else, and we did not like how it felt to be talked about. So we started redirecting the conversation and outright refusing to bitch, and people eventually adapted their behaviour (around us, maybe they still talked that way when we weren't there) or drifted away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Smile gently and lightly suggest that maybe it would be more entertaining to talk about the rest of the world than to salaciously bitch about beloved family members the minute they were absent. I might look at all of them and gently ask why they enjoyed talking about each other so much, and how it felt knowing that each of them was, had been or would be the topic of conversation at some point.

In my early twenties I had a friendship group that would do this - what eventually made several of us stop prticipating in the talking was understanding that everyone was talking about everyone else, and we did not like how it felt to be talked about. So we started redirecting the conversation and outright refusing to bitch, and people eventually adapted their behaviour (around us, maybe they still talked that way when we weren't there) or drifted away.

What reasons could they possibly give?

What I don't like about this is that you are asking grown-ass adults to justify/change their behavior to match your standards.