So sad my child will not have a 'sane' extended family

[Anonymous]

DH and I both have some really f*cked up families. His parents were emotionally neglectful and are still dysfuctional. They don't even like each other (but are still together). My mother was physically abusive to me growing up. She is nicer to me now because I am her only sober child. My siblings are irresponsible, selfish and opportunistic.

Both DH and I are going through lots of therapy because we don't want to impart all the dysfunction we grew up with to our child. I am still trying to work out what my relationship with my family should be, but I suspect we will become increasingly distant. I wish I had a good relationship with my mother or my sister, but I have to accept their brokenness. One thing I feel sadness about is that our child does not have 'the doting grandparents' or the reliable uncle or aunt. I wish I could fix that.

We decided to pick a friend as a guardian for our child. The silver lining is that we have a solid group of friends.

[Anonymous]

It's ok, op. We all have baggage, and it's hard, because we all want our kids to have the best of everything, but the hard part of parenting is recognizing that you won't always be able to give your child the "perfect" life, and they won't always have the "best." But they don't need the best, they need food, clothing, shelter, and your love. And probably a good education and some socialization as well. As long as you get the mandatory stuff, everything else will be ok. Don't worry! My mother and father are both mentally ill, and I used to have the same concerns as you. But seeing my children grow up, I realize that my relationship with them is most important. They are wonderful, resilient little people, and figuring out that grandma and grandpa are a little "different" isn't going to kill them.

[Anonymous]

OP I think it's great that you are able to be open about this. I, too, come from an abusive family and my husband had a neglectful mother and kind of useless father.

The worst thing you'll find as you raise your kids is that people will tell you that your parents aren't so bad, they love you, be grateful, etc. and that the kids "need" these relatives.

These people have no idea what it means to be raised by toxic people or to have parents you wouldn't inflict on an innocent child.

It's wonderful that you are strong enough and wise enough to recognize that YOU get to decide how much of a relationship you want.

Friends can be the family you choose. Glad you have good ones.

[Anonymous]

Totally not a big deal. I don't have parents and my kids godparents are not relatives. It's fine. Sometimes family is the people you come from. Sometimes it's the family you create and pull together.

[Anonymous]

I can relate to this, OP. My perspective is that I'm going to do everything in my power to give my kids a stable, healthy home life. They may not have the type of extended family that I'd always dreamed of, but I can give them the best of everything I have to give...and I hope someday that when they're adults, they'll still want me to be an active part of their lives (and their partners' and kids' lives, should they end up having them).

Also, if you have a great group of close friends, it sounds like your kids will have lots of doting aunties and uncles.

I think you're doing everything right. Take pride in the fact that you're going to give your child a loving and stable home. That is not a small feat, especially considering the background you grew up in.

[Anonymous]

If your kids have a good family and home life they're already way ahead of a lot of kids out there.

[Anonymous]

I agree with everyone else OP - you are doing a great job as a parent. Your most important job is to nurture and protect your kids. If the sad reality is that doing so means they don't have the kind of doting grandparents you'd wish for them, then so be it.

I come from a very similar background and am struggling with many of the same challenges. In my case we have cousins who adore each other, but the dynamics in my sister's household (mother of the cousin) are profoundly negative, chaotic, and unhealthy. So we have to restrict contact.

I remind myself regularly that my job is to protect my kids, even when that means limiting access to people they love. It is the parents' burden to do these things, especially with difficult family dynamics that others might not understand. But you know that you don't want to subject your kids to what you went through. Hang on to that and build loving supportive networks elsewhere.

[Anonymous]

My parents sucked with me, but have been amazingly good grandparents. I have strict boundaries, though. So some contact is possible depending on circumstances.

My brother is mentally ill but I get together with his son as much as possible.

We have no guardian for our son. Not sure what to do about that.

[Anonymous]

I grew up like this, not being close to any one in the family apart from my two parents, and thought it was normal!

So... while you feel this heavy burden, your children may not. Be careful not to convey your pain to them.

[Anonymous]

The worst thing you'll find as you raise your kids is that people will tell you that your parents aren't so bad, they love you, be grateful, etc. and that the kids "need" these relatives.

These people have no idea what it means to be raised by toxic people or to have parents you wouldn't inflict on an innocent child.

It's wonderful that you are strong enough and wise enough to recognize that YOU get to decide how much of a relationship you want.

Friends can be the family you choose. Glad you have good ones.

I so totally agree! My blessing (and curse) is that the most dysfunctional in my family killed themselves (yes, multiple suicides in my family). It's easier to be around the family that's left because they're pretty good but if my father was still alive, no way in fucking hell would my kids be around him and I'd have to establish boundaries with my mother so there would be no impact on my kids. We've been very up front with the kids about my family history because they're more likely to suffer from depression and substance abuse. Knowledge is power and I have nothing to be ashamed of.

My DH's parents died when the kids were little. Only one of my kids remembers them and not very well. It's a shame because they were fabulous grandparents. But, to paraphrase the PP, your family is who you choose it to be. Hugs!