My sister and mother want a particular response when they give gifts

[Anonymous]

Stress comes over me when they give gifts to my kids. If they don't get an enthusiastic over the top thank you, they are disappointed.

My sister doesn't have kids of her own and really wants to play the part of generous aunt. She really tries too hard.

I can do my best to encourage thank you notes, but can I really force a particular outcome?

My sister is also really big on "score keeping" with gifts with friends etc. - so toxic....

I really wish they wouldn't give gifts at all

[Anonymous]

Contributing to the college fund is the biggest gift of all...

But since they're all out to impress little kids, somehow I don't think they'll take to that.

[Anonymous]

They sound like narcissists. Narcissists give presents in order to be admired and be the center of attention, which is supposed to assuage their deep insecurities. If the "medication" for their insecurity doesn't work they lose it.

Since you can't make a narcissist happy no matter what you do you should cut yourself a break and ignore them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Contributing to the college fund is the biggest gift of all...

But since they're all out to impress little kids, somehow I don't think they'll take to that.

I have family like this.

[Anonymous]

I make my child say thank you when he receives gifts. I correct him if he doesn't, and teach him that doing so is polite. I was unaware that this made me a narcissist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can do my best to encourage thank you notes, but can I really force a particular outcome?

If you're not already requiring thank-you notes, then that's something tangible you can do.

[Anonymous]

OP here - thank you notes of course. But the giver wants to be given praise, receive a lot of attention, buy affection etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I make my child say thank you when he receives gifts. I correct him if he doesn't, and teach him that doing so is polite. I was unaware that this made me a narcissist.

That isn't even close to what the pp said.

I take it you don't know anyone like the pp mentioned.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I make my child say thank you when he receives gifts. I correct him if he doesn't, and teach him that doing so is polite. I was unaware that this made me a narcissist.

That isn't even close to what the pp said.

I take it you don't know anyone like the pp mentioned.

*like the OP mentioned.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I make my child say thank you when he receives gifts. I correct him if he doesn't, and teach him that doing so is polite. I was unaware that this made me a narcissist.

That isn't even close to what the pp said.

I take it you don't know anyone like the pp mentioned.

*like the OP mentioned.

+1 "Over the top" is they key here. A normal polite thank you is the norm. Expecting repeated spcific levels of enthusiasm OR ELSE you get guilt tripped is a HUGE red flag.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I make my child say thank you when he receives gifts. I correct him if he doesn't, and teach him that doing so is polite. I was unaware that this made me a narcissist.

Way to miss the point, pp.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Contributing to the college fund is the biggest gift of all...

But since they're all out to impress little kids, somehow I don't think they'll take to that.

When I was growing up, my aunt purchased savings bonds (this was in the 1960's and 1970's)... $100 for Purim, $100 on my Birthday and $100 for Xmas (My dad is Protestant, My Mom was Jewish)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Contributing to the college fund is the biggest gift of all...

But since they're all out to impress little kids, somehow I don't think they'll take to that.

When I was growing up, my aunt purchased savings bonds (this was in the 1960's and 1970's)... $100 for Purim, $100 on my Birthday and $100 for Xmas (My dad is Protestant, My Mom was Jewish)

I forgot to complete my reply: when I headed to college, those bonds helped cover a lot of my education. These gifts for me were an even greater financial gift for my parents

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stress comes over me when they give gifts to my kids. If they don't get an enthusiastic over the top thank you, they are disappointed.

My sister doesn't have kids of her own and really wants to play the part of generous aunt. She really tries too hard.

I can do my best to encourage thank you notes, but can I really force a particular outcome?

My sister is also really big on "score keeping" with gifts with friends etc. - so toxic....

I really wish they wouldn't give gifts at all

This is not your problem to solve. You should raise your children to deliver the thank you that you think is appropriate. If it isn't enough to please your relatives, then let your relatives be disappointed. Your job is to make sure the kids (assuming its kids and not young adults) say an appropriate thank you, not to make sure these relatives are happy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They sound like narcissists. Narcissists give presents in order to be admired and be the center of attention, which is supposed to assuage their deep insecurities. If the "medication" for their insecurity doesn't work they lose it.

Since you can't make a narcissist happy no matter what you do you should cut yourself a break and ignore them.

Narcissist is an extremely over-used term on this forum.

It is an actual disorder and also associated with Borderline Personality Disorder
https://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/ency/article/000934.htm
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH0015312/

But a personal acting selfishly once in a while is a far cry from someone being a narcissist. You obviously have deep seated issues about his PP, but don't let your experience color everything. Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.

OP, you encourage and prompt your children to be polite and say thank you when they receive a gift. You can't control the disappointment of others if they didn't get the reaction they hoped for, so don't even try. If they feel slighted, that's their deal. Don't worry about it.